Balls to Feet

Sorcery & Saucery

2012-01-09T14:44:00.005+11:00

Mr Cool opened the door to his bedroom and marched forward to his four post bed. He slung himself backwards into a setting that appeared to be India's version of' "I Dream of Jeannie". Lace, chiffon and satin fabrics draped down around him as he manouvered through the brightly coloured pillows. His phalanges floundered as they rummaged throughout the maze of haberdashery. This was the result of his new addiction, spending pay cheque after pay cheque at Copperart. If there was a new throw rug, he had to have it. If there was a Moroccan lamp with half off, he would grab at it. Of course he would first argue that he felt the second 'c' was redundant and that North African spelling seemed arbitrary anyway, postulating that the Ottoman Empire sent only criminals and degenerates to inhabit the North of Africa. The young Nick was seemingly unaware that the great Turkish based empire never stretched beyond Algeria and had incorrectly asserted otherwise to Suzanne (with a Z because her parents believed it cosmopolitan, in reality it all seemed rather derivative and removed much of the beauty that existed within Susan, as coincidentally its origin lay in Middle Egypt and the lotus flower for which the name can owe an amount of intrinsic aesthetic.

Alas, his addiction to all homewares and haberdashery was quickly absorbing every facety of his life. It had quickly overtaken his Police Academy phase which had recently seen him pawn 429 autographed photos of Steve Guttenberg for the princely sum of $39.95 which was just enough to accessorise his recently acquired 'Friends'-brand coffee table. The same coffee table that was meant to be the home for the remote to his 34cm JVC television. This was the remote that he was looking for as he molested several cushions atop his king single four post bed. After one more furious thrashing of hands he happened upon his remote between the legs of his giant teddy bear, Selwyn.

Click. Vwwoooooooppppp. The TV booted up and it was just in time. You see, as much as Nick loved haberdashery, homewares, Friends, Steve Guttenberg and Savage Garden (I would fly to the moon and back, if you'll be my baby - he was talking about a dude!), he loved one thing more. This love was above it all. Above all material objects. He even thought of it as a spiritual love which was saying a lot for a young man carrying the baggage of sexual repression from not one but two Catholic schools. This had become a ritual for him.

The steam rose of his freshly delivered Pizza Hut pizza, partnered with a 2 litre bottle of Coca Cola and a mountain of Wizz Fizz. The physical ingestion of all that he viewed as holy now matched the aural and visual equivalent of doing heroin for the first time. He flew himself backwards, temporarily blinding himself as his ears folded back across his face covering both eyes. He felt good now. He felt good in his pants!

As he rolled across his bed to where his ghetto blaster was surrounded by unopened Metallica CDs he felt dirty. He knew he bought them to cover up his love for 90s pop. Inside a Rolling Stone that had Stevie Ray Vaughn on the cover, he had glued a piece that he had cut from Smash Hits Magazine. The article was an in-depth report on the inner machinations of Bachelor Girl. Buses & Trains had become Nick's feel good song of 1998. Popping opening the cassette deck, Nick fished for the tape he wanted. It was a TEAC clear cassette that had been written over time and again. The liquid paper creating an almost Himalayan shaped crest that evoked memory of his ancestry as well as his mastubatory exploits he had only began 2 years prior. He read the title of the tape and it brought joy to his face. 'The Boy Is Mine - Monica & Brandy'. It was important to Nick that he had written it as Monica & Brandy. Not because he thought the Moesha starlet was a vapid personality with a larger talent for exploiting her teen body to garner success but because his parents almost named him Moesha. Apparently with an origin in the Islamic Delhi Sultanate, Moesha was a descendant of those from Sheba who had come to settle in what is now India. Moesha was a harlot and who was also known as the strumpet of the south when translated form the sanskrit in which her name was written. Nick was more or less offended that he was almost named after the vagina that ruled much of modern day India from her back, as was the custom of the day.

Frustrated and exhausted after having thought about the origin of his dislike for all things Brandy, he fixed on his television and began his ritual. Masturbating to Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

A Moment Before The Holidays

2011-12-16T14:22:00.004+11:00

The walk to the video store was becoming more and more lonely for him. He kicked along an empty Solo can as he whistled. The song was free and loose and matched the spring evening air. His knuckles hovered off the ground. The enormous weight hunched his body forward as if two giant hams were stitched to the end of his arms. As Graham read the last sentence he drooled in awe of having two giant hams at the end of his limbs which, for the interest of the reader, currently held aloft 3 footlong meatball subs, half a pizza and bucket of chicken. Snack time.

Along the path were littered chocolate wrappers, smashed beer bottles and condom packets. His mind was cast back to his amorous encounter with the Cockie Monster. Num, num, num. The voice growled in his mind. His body being molested by a woman whose idea of sexuality was framed somewhere between Sex & The City and Pretty Woman. That Hollywood sexualisation of ageing women which has managed to con them into believing that promiscuity equates to some sort of sexual revolution. After this divergence of thought away from the Monster he looked down and saw the dying throws of an erection within his jean shorts or jorts as they have become colloquially known. Or, and perhaps most importantly, regarded as formal attire by Geoff.

The jorts strained at the zipper and subsided with the resignation of the tide against a breakwall littered with Asian rock fisherman. The same Asian rock fisherman that believed a lack of ability to swim, a 10 ft pole with nylon string and some seafood entrees was tantamount to an extreme sport. The same kind of extreme sport that Craig enjoyed. The face off against death that can only be encountered by attaching 4 wheels to the bottom of a skiboot, grabbing the tow ball of a convertible sports utility vehicle, wearing something sparkly and throwing your body from side to side whilst maintaining the flourish of the wrist, much akin to that of a rhythmic gymnast.

Alas, the jorts won and his shoulders sunk further down. The misery was becoming overwhelming. Almost the same brand of misery that one could experience from engaging in a Hawaiian cultural tradition, only to have their voice reach a high falsetto at the same time a photographer snapped a picture of the emasculating incident. The photo would be purchased by a member of the friendship group and thrust in the face of the performer as the chants rained down upon him like $1 bills showered Eastern European women at a New York supper club called White Lace in the October of 2006. The personification of a harshed buzz.

Trudging now, the journey continued. It required a fitness or stamina that one may see in a supreme athlete. A Marion Jones type physique. Funnily enough, the exact same physique of George. How is it taking this long? Why am I walking? What has to be so important? A quest. This quest.

His hands dragged him downward. Almost to his knees. He needed a break and pulled a sandwich out of his day bag. A day bag is a brilliant piece of luggage. It can be slung over the shoulders and worn like you would piggyback a midget. I digress. He needed sustanance and dug into his bag. He removed a sandwich. Holding a half the sandwich having just attacked it with the gusto Gibbo might attack a family meal, he now stared upon it. "No, not too much. We still have a long way to go." Fucking Bastian.

The story grew more and more arduous. The journey seemingly neverending and then he saw it. Standing up like somebody standing up when everyone else was lying down, it was there. Glowing the fading light of dusk. STAN THE VIDEO MAN. His clothes were tattered. His face have grown a layer of stubble and eyes sunken in his skull. He propped himself up on the counter. Cracked lips moving out of the way as his tongue ducked in and out of his moistureless mouth. The pleasure couriers (his nickname for the lips) required some lubrication and the Cockie Monster was nowhere in sight to provide liberal dashings of KY Jelly.

The store clerk could see he was in distress and plucked a can of ice cold Snow Cap from his personal fridge. The condensation on the outside dripped slowly down and seemed to have come from somewhere mystical, like Scarlett Johansson's vagina before Sean Penn ruined it. The drink cooled his mouth and he was able to speak.

"I have something for you. I have come many miles for this and I am told that you are the only one that can help."

'Sure, what can I do for you' replied the clerk.

'I need the sequel to this.'

His arm swiftly drew something from his day pack. The giant catchers mitt hand covered whatever it was and the video store clerk winced in anticipation. The huge arc the arm was travelling seemed to take an eternity. Clocks ticked as the hand finally met the counter. His hand moved and there it was in all its splendour.

"THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTS"

First Day of School

2011-02-07T11:17:00.003+11:00

Mr Cool on his first day of School

"Hey Nicholas, how was your first day of school?"

"FABULOUS!!!!!!!"

It is early February and everyone has just gone back to school. The holidays are over, the time of rampant dress up pagents and bedroom karaoke are over for Nicholas D'Cruz. The year is 1988 and the year is a big one for Nick. This is the beginning of schooling life. One wear he will be picked on incessantly for both his large ears and also for attending 2 Catholic schools and never once being touched up (most likely due to the aforementioned ears). What does life hold for this young man? Sure by the end of the year he well be wearing his favourite 'Expo '88' shirt and will have discarded his America's Cup 1987 - Kookaburra III legionnaire's cap. The zinc smeared memories of a bygone era where he clamoured as his mother left him at the gate of the pre-school. Clasping his hand tight to the pool fence gate that held him confined in a world of playdough, picture band aids and afternoon naps, his eyes look longingly as his mothers Mitsubishi Scorpion putts away.

Flash forward and he stands in the asphalt playground surrounded by coloured lines and numbers stenciled to the hot ground. One group of students is singing, another plays hop scotch whilst the next gaggle skips rope. Nick announces his himself to school yard by beginning what will become his daily routine. Skipping from one side to the other, Nick begins to belt out his favourite musical numbers, first comes 'An English Teacher' from Bye Bye Birdie which is recanted in a squawky vibrato then onto 'A Boy Like That' from Westside Story. His brown feet kicking furiously inside his brand new Clarks school shoes. The leather scents conjuring memories of his distant homeland in India where adorning such footwear would have you beaten. The freedom of song and sensible footwear intoxicated him as he dreamt of his life to come. "I WILL BE THE WORLD"S GREATEST EVER SHOE DESIGNER"

Back to present day and Nick has crumpled with the burden of an unfilled dream upon his shoulders. The stiletto pumps he sketched for Cher to wear to the 1990 Grammy Awards are a fading memory, like the tailights of the Greyhound bus he skipped so he could visit Kylie on Ramsay Street. What has he become? his only cultural roots are the fact he works in a call centre and drives people around after midnight.

This season, we seek to rectify his dream and let him live in the light he always craved. This year. This season. Vocational goals aside. Nicholas D'Cruz will be fabulous once more. The Lady Gaga of the football pitch will become Lady NaanNaan, the bitch of the pitch! Stunning the crowd with his genital attacks, high kicks and glamorous shoe designs, the year, the month, the week, the day will be his. This season we give you Nick's motto.... LIVE FABULOUS, DIE GAY!

Where are we about to take it?

2011-02-02T10:12:00.004+11:00

Craig Hutchinson has moved from the front of stage to back of field in a return to the Parrots.

It is hard to put in so much effort and reap little reward which is why we will forget about last season. Mostly because The Parrots results were below par. While Fairclough was slugging it out in his championship tee ball side. The rest of the guys were off doing other things over summer.

Keep swinging Daniel. Hitting the tee is a guaranteed base hit, right?

Unit posed for a school photographers demo potrait shots which somehow made it's way into a motivational poster type setup with romantic phrases. Hey, Fabio started on the front of books. Shoot for the moon Unit, at least if you miss you will land amongst the stars.

Reynolds, like the cool guy he thinks he is, started a new sport. Unicycle basketball. Yeah, this will go about as far as Rove MacManus' career in Hollywood. Stick to what you know fat ass, eating and being a virgin.

Graham took up aerobics in order to help the ebb the rapid flow of weight gain he is currently experiencing. Fortunately he only went twice as he picked up a jazzercise class and elocution lesson with Liz Smiley. Unfortunately for us he still wears the one piece and has added a see through raincoat to stop getting soaked by the hail of rain from Liz's lessons.

My arch nemesis his summer blowing trumpets. Unfortunately the above picture does not fit as Trumpets is actually a 32 year old body builder from Muncie, Indiana. Go fuck yourself Richard.

Let's hope for a good season. As I say to anybody who asks. Sure, me and the Mrs use lube when we "make love" all the time. We put it on the door knob outside so Frank can't get in.

Matt Damon on a Tandem BIke

2010-08-19T10:37:00.002+10:00

This is Matt Damon on a tandem bicycle and he is like our season. Sure riding a bike is fun. Riding a bike with your friend is fun. Riding the same bike as your friend is.... well..... fun.... kinda..... I guess the results didn't go our way and that's ok. We can all record "The View" and look at a bunch of women that look like Hutcho discussing current events while waiting for next season. Next season guys.... next season......

P.S. Coming soon: The Post-season wrap up

Ryan Perry and Friend In Matching Hats

2010-07-12T15:57:00.003+10:00

You saw it here first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do they have matching hats?

Where are they wearing matching hats?

Is this really Ryan Perry?

All you need to know is that yes, it is Ryan Perry and yes he and a friend are wearing matching hats.

The World Crap

2010-07-01T10:50:00.002+10:00

"Da Australiens sent it. Zey said it was for ze shit sandwich vich vee av coming to us"

Four years ago, Andrew Reynolds was unleashing a never before seen sexual assualt on an inflatable kangaroo named Dowdzanus. He climbed on top of table at The Ranch and karate kicked and chopped in celebration. The table rocked back and forth under the extreme pressure of his weight and he threw chairs in moments of unbridled joy. This year however there was no such jubilant expression. It was those German cunts.

This World Cup has been one of let downs. Like being promised sex prior to a blind date only to find out she looks like Mikey Robins (pre-gastric bypass). Sure the tits are nice and lifting a fold to find half a BBQ chicken is a pleasant surprise but the unrelenting pressure of fighting a flacid penis to find something arousing about the encounter is distressing on a grand scale. We have seen the Soccerboos (I'm looking at you Craig Moore) being unfairly reduced to 10 men and fighting a losing battle against Mexican referees who are trying to take our jobs.

I guess what I am saying is that now Algeria is gone, is there any reason to watch and put up with vuvuzelas? Probably not. BLOGGER OUT.

I Live In A Caravan

2010-06-17T11:14:00.002+10:00

"Go back to your caravan." Those words will haunt us all forever.

What does a jellyfish vagina, a snail's snatch and Thornleigh Thunder have in common? They're all a bunch of spineless cunts. With seconds ticking away they decided to commit the most unsportsmanlike act I have ever seen and kick the ball away to ensure the mighty Parrots did not get another possession. The act infuriated the Parrots and they set off launching a tirade of abuse at the team who is famous for living at the arse end of a highway.

Number 8, or Octo-cock as he shall henceforth be known is the most retarded person I have ever seen. The pronounced forehead, slumped shoulders and haircut from a junkyard presented a look reminiscent of Joe Dirt with an extra chromosome. The focus was only taken of him by the fact Number 6, or Numero no-dick, masturbated to a Justin Bieber poster at half time. Due to his lack of male genitals this involved him furiously rubbing the Ken-like bald patch that lay in front of his pelvis. Climax was reached when he douched out Number 4's deposit from the prior night's activities.

I am going back to my caravan. That doesn't have wheels. Is made with bricks. That has running water, electricity and Foxtel. That also cost over half a millie. I guess you cocks can go back to living under the pedestrian bridge near the train station or in your parents cleaned out garage that you call your "apartment". It's cool though cos you can stay up as late as you want and if you have cereal for dinner, nobody can say anything to you. Not even the toothless prostitute lying in your bed. You know, the one you call your girlfriend? Last time I checked girlfriends don't come with an invoice for the $50 wristy you just got and the tear stains of a girl who has seen her life slip by due to her need for some goey to dance at Patrick's all night (til 12am) who pays for her "recreational" drug habit by getting railed by 3 guys for a hundo. Fuck off back to the Maccas you are famous for.

It's me, your favourite ref!

2010-06-11T09:01:00.003+10:00

Hi guys. It's me the ref. You might remember me from such games as robbing you of the last game you played where Deluca dribbled the ball from halfway and there was an offside called or perhaps it was the time I gave Rens his 3rd yellow of the season for turning away from me and saying "Gosh darn it." Either way I have some terrible news. I'm in the clink.

Wait a second, not Colonel Klink (aka Unige, yep Klink is simply Eunis with a monocle - did you know the 'monocle' is a sex move where a man finishes in one eye so the recipeient squints?) but gaol. Why I am in gaol. Solicitation. Not cool guys, not cool. While on the outside a turn tricks of the discount variety, being between 10 and 20 dollars, inside I cannot get that kind of cash. I am stuck here maybe giving a wristy for some cigarettes or the world's tiniest crack rock. It's hard for me which is sad because I was usually making it hard at the rate of a tenner for tossing a client's salad. All I can say is I am bummed and not in a good way!

Anyway, I write to tell you that I will not be your ref this weekend but to ask of you a favour. My current financial situation has become dire at best so I am raising funds. I am doing a can drive! Actually it will be done by proxy because I am currently sharing a cell with guy called Steve who likes to use my face as his personal butt pillow. This weekend referees will be collecting tin cans which we will then return to the manufacturers with an exorbetent amount of complaints in hopes of receiving part of the original sale price as a refund. yeah it probably brushes the law but it's cool cos ref's are the policemen of the soccer field so I git me some contacts.

Here are the requirements:-

- No dented or damaged cans
- No cans previously used for any kind of anal play (You should be using Fountain tomato sauce bottles or a Grolsch swing top with the top removed - BELIEVE ME!!!!)
- No cans close to expiration
- No cans of inedible foodstuffs like 'Cauliflower infused Brussel Sproyts' or the like
- Under no circumstances is control of a can collection to be given to Graham Werner or by virtue a representative of Gibbo! I cannot stress this enough!

I hope all is well and you can help me out as I have mounting legal costs and I fear the lease on my new Prius might lapse unless I can get $2.32 together for this week's payment. My partner Augusten and I have a new kitten named Elliot that is struggling without me. I bought her a ball of wool and some Snappy Tom before I left but if someone can change the kitty litter for me that would be sweet! O.K. my time is almost up so I'll say ciao to all you beautiful bumbinos and just letting you know I'm doing a bit better since I got this photo of George and I:

What I've been doing!

2010-06-08T15:53:00.002+10:00

What have you guys been up to? Actually don't tell me because I really don't care. What I have been doing is some blog mentoring and my protege has become quite the genius. All you need to do is follow his blog. It's called www.lazertits.com and it is amazing. Here is a preview, check it out some time...

Graham, when did you have a daughter?

2010-06-08T10:42:00.004+10:00

I think we all know who the mother is.....

Anyway, your duaghter is really talented. I like the way she can sing a few lines before running out of breath. It's just like you when you exercise!

Now, if you feel like some Vanessa Carlton and like looking at the fat guy from LOST:-

Fuck Blogging, Just Drum

2010-06-04T08:30:00.001+10:00

And it comes...

2010-05-07T14:29:00.003+10:00

Geoff lay awake in his bunk bed. The Manchester United doona cover soiled with the love he had just given himself. Content, he lay some 2 meters off the ground inches from the ceiling and the poster of his beloved Ryan Giggs. Giggs looked back at Geoff with the defeated eyes of a 65 year old paraplegic, which was a coincidence as he was a 55 year old who plays like a paraplegic. Perhaps it was the disappointing display the poster Giggs had just witnessed or maybe the fact that Mr Sheffield from televisions The Nanny was often mistaken for his younger brother that gave Ryan such a vacant look.

It was cigarette time. Geoff reached for the packet of Winfield Sky Blues resting on top of his life-size Sir Alex Fergie's-son doll. The rear end curiously squashed with a convenient hole around his loins filled with a balloon that seemed to filled with a dough-like substance as if an artificial vagina had been flung from the depths of space and cast into 'Allie's bottie'. Geoff rolled the cigarette between his lips and felt satisified. The victory of today's game had been awaiting him for almost a month AA/11 football and the atmosphere prior to kickoff was palpable.

The ground was nestled at the back of an all boys school somehow adding to the homo-eroticsim of witnessing 22 virile young men colliding on the pitch. Carved deep in this den of homosexual undertones was the battleground for what would become a great victory.

The teams lined up for kickoff exchanging glances of hatred mixed with the earnest undercurrent of attraction from the coach on the sideline. Geoff paced the sideline anxiously shouting encouragement to his players and banking the thought of Frank's firm calves in his mind for later on. The goals came in what were flashes, somehow in the past, present and future at the exact same time. The final ten minutes endured for what seemed like days or a weekend of tantric sex with Sting. Was the culmination a sign of joy, the intended destination or were the team to live each moment as shudder of ecstacy and wish that it be neverending.

Whistle blown and Geoff licks the sweat from his top lip savouring the taste of victory and mental exertion all at once. The flavour sits on his pallet and he holds it for but a minute. Congratulations are to be made and back rubs offered. "About time" he lectures to himself.

The doona slips revealing his obtuse frame, grown large on portions of his brother's leftovers and home made beer. He questions whether or not his changing physical shape had anything to do with Hayden getting engaged. His plump breasts confirmed his initial thought. As he exhales he thinks out loud "I don't give a fuck". Blushing from his own cuss, he thinks about Sunday nights Logies.

"If I were there I would punch Rove in the face. Why would Tasma lower herself to him"

He chuckles to himself at the unintentional pun. As the last second of cackle parts his lips he meditates on Harold from Neighbours. His chin jiggling from the last shake of head after being aroused by an inciting comment from Lou. With all that clam around you would of thought the old tuba players lips could have searched out some better minge than fighting over Madge. I guess it's a case of aim low and score versus aim high and miss by miles. Left at night to comfort one's self in a dark corner of Ramsay Street with but a picture of Toady's dead wives, footage of Kate Ritchie's infamous video and a well worn hand towel, slippery with the moisture of Dove hand cream.

"Good night world, we are all winners".... And with that last thought, Geoff drifted off to the land of slumber and he would be content again as a victor, lover and man.

Fatties!

2010-04-27T12:00:00.006+10:00

I have been working on my first "in-season" post for about 2.5 weeks now. I was pretty much there and then this came up. It has been brought to my attention that a member of our team laid with a buxom lady. I think that's as gently as I can put it.

"But Blogger, what about the football? I come here to read about football. I do not wish to know about the pitfalls of living within walking distance to a competitive eating star."

Well, in response to your comment, I agree. This does however concern you and I point to mating rituals!!!!!!!!!!!!! This impacts football in a few ways.

1. Absentmindedness - as we are all aware the player in question has blueballs as stated by him repeatedly ad infinitum. How does this correleate? Well we have noticed a distinct drop in ability with regard to the prolonged abstinence from intercourse as highlighted in this graph:

The drop in performance is horrible and could be the reason we have yet to win a game!!!

2. Fatherhood - from the mating rituals we can see that the offending player may have impregnated the championship eater. How do we know this? " Gorillas also mate during pregnancy but once the young one is born there is usually a break in mating activity for a few years. " So the baby may already be born and due to resembling the elephant man. So the satellite has blue balls because he impregnated her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUM DAH DUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. The dominant female - the player may begin to suffer from the dominant 'female' and become henpecked. He has already regaled the team with the story of how seconds was demanded from him. However, when they went to Sizzler he was the only one getting seconds. She was having elevenths.

4. Who is he? - Guess:

"More fries bitch!"

How it happened:

Ballstofeet: So, [name redacted] how did this shit go down?

Parrot Player: We were at Windsor's annual eat like a horse fair and well, she ate a horse. Turns out it was a misread on her part. She was meant to eat 10 pies but she did what she did. Not the first time either. Hear how Rangirangdoo was scratched on the weekend? Well I cried out Rangirangdon't but it was too late and it was only the hooves left. She generally cooks them in a broth of rum and Winfield Reds.

BTF: .............................................................

PP: Yeah..... So she scanned the crowd and I was the nearest male within her approachable distance.

BTF: Approachable distance?

PP: Well, she has a long range manouverability distance of 17.5m without rest breaks and a sprinting distance of 0.64m at a top speed of 1.16 knots.

BTF: That sounds like the stats for a Collins class submarine!

PP: No. Slightly bigger.

BTF: Wow! So what happened next?

PP: She started her mating ritual.

BTF: Which involved?

PP: Burping in my face.

BTF: And?

PP: I don't know. The gas emitted is enough to stun a dromaderry.

BTF: [vomiting] That'll do........... We'll finish this later........

The Naming Ceremony

2010-04-07T16:26:00.003+10:00

Who is that guy? What's his name? Why did the coach just wet himself? All questions to do with everybody's names. Here are your names for the rest of the year. Keep it, hug it, love it.

Geoff - "Coach"
Frank - "Frank the Tank" "Tank" "Wilt"
Rens - "Hollywood"
Prince - "Price" "Juice" "Tough Juice"
Deluca - "Quincy"
Ben English - "Benglish" "Sandler" "Billy Madison" "Veronica Vaughn"
John Routledge - "Johnny English" "English 1" "Neil"
Nathan Ottley - "Noodleman" "The Cambodian Ace"
Wayne - "The Elevator" "Flo Rida" "America's Wang"
Cottee - "Overtime"
Jason - "The Vow" "Monk" "Liu Kang"
Joshua - "Nightstick" "Flamepunch" "Ice Grenade" "Gunface"
Nick D'Cruz - "Gwenyth" "Mr Cool"
Gareth - "Unit" "Unito" "Eunis" "Younis" "Unige"
Dowd - "Dowdface" "DJ AM" "Jewbot"
Adam Delpopolo - "Pops" "The People" "Populus" "Common"

Come on girl, show 'em what you can do!

2010-03-19T09:05:00.005+11:00

Coach Werner got us through our first challenge on the weekend as we went down to Chokeville Prems 2-1. What a bummer. A few pieces of better luck (or execution) and we could've claimed victory in the mouth of hell. Boy was it warm. What about the Elevator? Wayne-oh-no just lifted it over the bar from about a foot out. Against his old team too, must've stung a bit. (BTW, The Elevator is Wayne's new nickname, yep I made it up. Write it down, take a picture, sing it to the tune of a Savage Garden song, I don't care!)

This we take on the "neckers". That's right those fuckwits called the Hills Hawks. Who could think of something better to do at 4:50pm on a Sunday afternoon. Water the Gardenias? Sit down and prepare yourself for Channel 9's parade of suckage starting aka Domestic Blitz? Knit yourself a new naval themed jumper for the cooler months? No, if you have two testicles (three for coach) and a heart beat you should be at Galston watching the mighty Parrots tear shit up. Tear as in rip not as in cry. Though they might be crying after we beat the snot out of 'em and show them who the superior genus of bird is!

Afterwards we might go out and celebrate by listening to Lady gaga. I dunno, we're just so unpredictable, who knows what we'll do????

Now for the big news. I mean big as in the fattest guy you know is coming back to our humble shores. Can you feel it? Can you hold your excitement? Can you hold onto the food that he will inevitably try to rip out of your mouth like the time at Reynolds' 22nd birthday when he declared the leftovers were his and had them doggy bagged so he could take them home without even consulting anyone else, least of all the birthday boy?

Word on the grape vine is that Graham has had a bit of trouble. He's gone dark, started hanging out drinking coffee and lsitening to My Chemical Romance. Here's evidence that he's even a cutter!

Ok, goodnight. See you all at the game. Anonymous Blogger is getting back in the swing of things. Sometimes I feel awkward back typing again. Now I feel like Mr Kelly. Sure the first time it was fun but now it just doesn't feel the same second time round. Hey, at least he gets to meet Ben Fordham, I just sit here and type shit about a midget that used to host his own variety program. OF SHIT! Hahahaha...

Watch it. Process what has just happened. Love it!

2010-03-18T11:26:00.002+11:00

Sad face

2010-03-11T16:39:00.004+11:00

Some days my emotions get the best of me. Some days I wake up and don't want to leave my bed. Some days I struggle to find the energy to power up my Apple IIe so I can play 'Where In The World Is Carmen Sand Diego?' and do my blog. Every single one of those days it is your absence that kills me. It's hard to get motivated, I don't know what to do with myself and I have zero material for my blog.

Please come back. I miss you.

It's like the finale of Blossom or the show LOST. Nobody gets it but me. When you used to waddle (run) at training, your nipples flexed, holding up the yards of fabric you'd call a shirt, thighs rubbing with the ferocity of Norway's curling team, buttocks dancing from side to side like a barge being tossed in a large ocean swell and chins jiggling like the hindquarters of Kirstie Alley, I was hypnotised. The beauty in the beast was almost too much to contain and it spilled out of me...... Wait, that sounds like I was having a tug. My enthusiasm was channelled in a way that allowed me to write about you continuously and I took such enjoyment from that. I just want you to know that I'm missing you Graham.

Did you know that the fast food economy has collapsed in your absence? Coincidence or direct correlation? Also, McGraths Hill is rising out of the ditch in which it resides. Almost like a giant weight has been lifted from it's boundaries. Weird!

Come back Guts. The deep fried industry (and I) need you!

Dang.

2010-03-01T09:04:00.005+11:00

Guys. I could write one hundred stories about this picture and how something awesome is happening with Player A or Player B, or how Player C would hit that. Just know that I can show restraint when hand delivered a photo of coach's last 5 conquests.

P.S. Conquest is the correct term. Climbing aboard does require oxygen assistance when you're that far above sea level. Mt N-Everest!

Haters Gonna Hate.

2010-02-19T09:34:00.004+11:00

I give Can-a-der 2 thumbs up!

On February 16 some years ago. George was born and it was awesome. He was the first baby that came 'gym ready' complete with the abs that have rocked the world for the next 3 decades. Happy Birthday bro!

Back to the real world. On Tuesday I was slipping on my crocs, not caring about a King's of Leon song but digging their style after having some iSnack 2.0 on my toast when I thought 'wesa need some mooey mooey posters of Kings of Leon, Annakin'. Srsly though, suck it RR. Haters gonna hate.

How I roll!

I totally forget that bitches name but I do rememebr her sister did this thing that gave me this face:

It was cool. She thought i was all dark and mysterious cos I told her although I was no Jedi, the Sith was heavily recruiting and I could be a possible future dark side member... while she tended to my member. ZING!

Conceptual artwork for my Dark Side uni!

Anyway before you try outing me RR, know this. I have my own action figure like:

Whilst the only toy modeled of you looks like:

Either you have a severe case of frostbite or you are too poor to colour correct that. Plus it's a hand shaped butt plug! A HAND SHAPED BUTT PLUG! Man, some Star Wars nerds hate on me but I used that shaped hand to get down with Queen Padme Amidala. For real! Like I said before, haters gonna hate and Jar Jar has rooted half of Hollywood. You just gave a handjob to Dog The Bounty Hunter. You ain't even on my level.

I even made The Situation read your drivel. As you can see he was less than impressed.

Then he said to me, "Bro. RR is not even on your level. He's like Giaan Rooney and the winter olympics. Totally irrelavant."

Thanks The Situation. You always know what to say.

P.S. I'm selling some W.W.T.S.D. wrist bands. What Would The Situation Do? BUY ONE!

Daniel Fairclough Signs Lucrative Record Deal

2010-02-16T08:46:00.004+11:00

So I guess the baseball is a LIE! He has gone to sing and follow his life long dream. Ummmm.... Aim for the stars Daniel....

Fast forward to the 2:49 mark to hear him really get those notes.

Deluca reads last post from blog, fist pumps like a champ.

2010-02-12T09:15:00.001+11:00

The Good Daniel Giveth and The Better Daniel Leaveth

2010-02-12T08:46:00.002+11:00

Beefcake!!!!!!!! Daniel is seen exiting a heavy training session of sitting on his arse for 3 hours with 5 minute stints standing outside a diamond. Sounds like the same job that Antonio, my cousin the jeweller has except without the lisp.

Daniel Fairclough has left the building. It came as a shock to the entire team but he's sticking with the Knights and playing baseball in winter. "Isn't that a bit like playing newcomb ball with yourself?" you ask. Of course it is but the decision is not mine and McPhie didn't even try to up the ante with some sweet contract kickers.

I talked to Daniel about his time with the parrots and he sincerely wanted to thank everybody for the years of fun. We'd all like to thank him for bringing Frank which will ultimately be his legacy and how can we not appreciate the gift of Frank. Frank has often bestowed his gift to many women opening with the line "I got you something, here's a package for you", but never has he been gifted to someone else. Just special.

Daniel has listed some memories as follows:

Highlights

-Winning POTY award

-Winning the Golden Boot Award

-Beating Deluca to win the Golden Boot award (It wasn’t a tie pre and post season goals don’t count)

-Making the grand final,

-Playing with a magnificent bunch of Lads

-Car pooling with Mr Cool and Frank.

- Seeing George after the game with his shirt off

Low light

-Loosing the grand final

-Bringing Marc the d-head goal keeper

-Playing with Deluca

It's been unreal.

I just look at the coming season and I think of where we've been and how we've gotten here. I think that this season we have a new team and in one swift move we've lost of 400 kilos from the roster jsut by Fairclough and Werner leaving. Total amazeballs!

Good luck Daniel. We wish you well and hope you'll reach the dizzying heights of some other baseball greats such as the retard from Something About Mary and Boxy. May playing a summer sport in winter bring all the tidings you'd expect. You truly are changing the face of sport. Imagine if Grant Kenny said "I know being an Ironman is a summer vocation but screw it. I'm taking this shit to July! I don't even care what my wife Lisa Curry-Kenny 7 time Commonwealth Games gold medalist says about it." Daniel, you could be what Grant Kenny never was, an Olympic silver medalist and summer-cum-winter sports star!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. That keeper was a real d-bag. Remember how his abandonment cost Reynolds his only good front tooth? You should probably give him some money for that.....

Rumour has it....

2010-02-08T15:46:00.002+11:00

Someone from the Parrots left Australia to go raise their child in Canada. I can't disclose names but I have received this photo. Maybe you can see the likeness.....

What could be worse than watching a gay asian do Lady Gaga on youtube?

2010-02-08T12:28:00.002+11:00

Having a gay asian do Lady Gaga in your team. Hi deluca!

I'm here for the sex!

2010-01-29T10:40:00.004+11:00

Daniel Fairclough & Nicolas Deluca pose for 'Super friends'

Ok so with the return of NBA Jam I think it best to highlight who would make the cut for the best duo in Glenhaven footballing history! Who would you pick? Does Nadia Petrova remind you of a fat guy in Canada?

It's a heavy task and much like Mikey Robbins I carry a weight too much for any human to stand. While his weight is his huge arse and lack of humour, mine is the weight of responisbility to pair up the best duos since Charles & Eddie. Let's do this thing!

Geoffrey Werner & Hayden Cooper

Strengths: Knowing each other inside and out

Weaknesses: That doesn't really translate to success on the field

Special move: Love.... (WTF?)

Chance of selection: 3% - Aimed at the gay and women over 40 market.

George & his Abs

Strengths: - Ab work.
- Girls.

Weaknesses: - Articulating himself in English.
- Abs can get cocky and do their own thing.
- Cannot play on sand covered pitches.

Special move: Pressing the X button 3 times intiates Manpower mode where George and his Abs dance to "You can leave your hat on" in a red velvet covered room.

Chance of selection: 100% in Japan (they like his girlish charm). 2% in Germany (they criticise his weak bone structure).

Hutcho & Chris

Strengths: - Music
- Drew Barrymore trivia
- Church guitar solos

Weaknesses: - manly things.
- A flat, A minor, B Sharp, C flat, F minor and high C above A
- possible non-existence of testicles

Special move: Hamlet on the axe. One recites Hamlet while the other jams out on his guitar.

Chance of selection: 0% in 'So you think you be a church guitar solo playinga ctor duo'

Mr Cool & Frank

Strengths: - Frank's superior bedroom skills and charm
- Mr Cool knows all the words to Jai Ho

Weaknesses: - Unable to provide discount naan ovens
- If mated, child may look like artist's impression above

Special move: Frank being Frank.

Chance of selection: 83% due to the Frank factor.

Cottee & Dowd

Strengths: - Hard work, sometimes 8 days a week
- Gold pouch around one member's neck
- Cool little hats
- Cool candle holders

Weaknesses: - Stereotype associates one as a poor athlete and having curly hair
- circumcisions

Special move: They'd all be special because getting this duo together may prove difficult due to a hectic work schedule and money swimming ala Scrooge McDuck.

Chance of selection: 100% in Hollywood, 5% elsewhere, 0.2351% in regional centres.

If you were a song, what would you be?

2010-01-22T09:11:00.009+11:00

Sexy pikchur right? So it's the start of the season and material on the team lies somewhere between scarce and fuck all. I have had to put my Sports Journalist of the Year sash back on and really ask the team some hard hiting questions like what is their favourite song and why?

Mr Cool

Favourite song: Jai Ho - Pussycat Dolls

Why: At the risk of totally falling into a stereotype, I am Indian and I LOVE Bollywood. I just really get into it and am in total awe of some of the actors like Anupam Kher and Brahmanandam(Ed: adingdong Lolz). When a song like this comes along and I can wear a bindi and just dance it's like nothing matters. Nobody can tease my ears or my ice cold persona. I'm not Mr Cool I become just a fan of traditional dance and song where my spirit can run free and nobody will get discounted naan ovens... NOBODY!

Coach Geoff Werner

Favourite song: Buses & trains - Bachelor Girl

Why: When this song came out I had just got back from Daydream Island (aka George's abs) and it just struck me as my song. It was 1998 and this was my jam. I could go and dance in the clubs (I had just turned 18) or sit down with a white wine spritzer and just relax. The lyrics are total amazeballs too! "I walked under a bus...", it just reminds me of the time I hit a wombat in my VL. Plus the guy with glasses was a total fox!

Nick Deluca

Favourite song: The Corrs - Runaway

Why: I just love Irish music. The tin whistle and angelic voices. There is nothing better than slipping into a bubble bath with a glass of wine, some scented candles but I can never be fully relaxed until The Corrs is on. Runaway is obviously my favourite and started my love affiar with them some 15 years ago. Daniel always joked about wanting to do a few of the sisters but I just wanted to sit down with my walkman on, play with my Tamagotchi and read my Dolly magazine.

Brendan Dowd

Favourite song: Leonardo's Bride - Even When I'm Sleeping

Why: Best. Song. EVER! That is all. How can you not like your celebrity doppelganger?

Craig Hutchinson

Favourite song: Taxiride - Get Set

Why: When Taxiride first came out I was going through my rebellious phase. I was really mucking up at home doing the wrong thing. If I got told to eat my vegetables I'd eat everything except tomato and then say it's a fruit. You didn't tell me to eat my vegetables and fruit! I was quite wicked. When my drama mentor said that doing a one man version of Annie Get Your Gun was the most idiotic idea ever, I went and did a matinee session that was Annie Get Your Gun vs Cats where I chopped up the scenes and did them back to back. Fergus and Quincy said it was the best version they'd ever seen. After that, I put on my brown leather jacket with the velour elbow patches and walked out of the Year 8 quad singing Get Set. Great song!

Chris Hillard

Favourite song: Sheena Easton - Morning Train (9 to 5)

Why: I work all the time. 25 hours a day. 8 days a week. 53 weeks a year. I've often wondered what it would be like to work the simple hours. I think it would be like this film clip. Bicycles and steam trains. Can I finish now, it's 5pm and I don't knock off until 1am tomorrow?

Frank

Favourite song: Human Nature - Don't Say Goodbye

Why: Can I qualify this? I don't actually like, in fact I think it sounds terrible. The reason I have nominated it is because I nailed 6 birds at once due to this. I got a 7-some because of Human Nature. Why wouldn't I like it when I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

Wow, what an eclectic taste! Maybe one of them can be our anthem for the year?

theparrotblogger@gmail.com

Advertising Deal

2010-01-20T08:15:00.002+11:00

So, this year I have sold the advertising rights to the new hit TV show 'Jersey Shore' shown on MTV. It is THE best show ever.

'Fist pumpin' like a champ'

Twitter

2010-01-19T08:20:00.002+11:00

I have a twitter account. I can update it more regularly than a blog and will do so.

www.twitter.com/ParrotBlogger

You can also see that I have embeded it in the blog too!

You make me this way....

2010-01-18T16:30:00.003+11:00

After feeling sufficiently better now that Christmas is over and the New Years resolutions to try and finger bang Paris Hilton have subsided, we can start to look forward to 2010 and all it has to offer. Even if your resolution to finger bang Paris Hilton quickly becomes an attempt to finger bang a Paris Hilton look-a-like that is in fact a certain Canadian-lodging-ski-instructor-course-taking-fat-man-no-not-Ski-the-delicious-yoghurt-but-ski-as-in-the-snow-variety.

Now what is the best thing about 2010? is it that a number of Parrots have cut off their testicles to spite their penis' by getting engaged? Is it the fact Hutcho has started a one-man dance troupe called Shoefeet? Is it the fact Frank is back and better looking than ever? Is it the attacks on Indian students have given us an unfortunate situation where any taunting of Mr Cool will now be racial vilification? No. The best thing about 2010 is the GHFA foosball-liga. Yay!

This year I am gonna call out more people than ever. Sure the fact Deluca gets injured more than Shane Watson's right labia is humourous and I get neverending mileage from it but won't it be great to hear who got crabs from a Belgian roller skating phenom? I can't wait to tell you about my summer and listen as you all whine about the disappointing 2009 finale to Home and Away. We can sit around in a circle braiding Geoff's back hair and sip sarsaparilla beneath your Zac Efron posters. Man.... 2010 could be our year!

P.S. Any new signings? Anyone leaving? Anyoen think the term 'gushing bride' sounds like one of Frank's home made movies about his days as a DJ on the bridal circuit?

Arseface McButtmunch

2009-09-22T10:58:00.004+10:00

Hi everyone, my name is Arseface McButtmunch or I go by Richard Wilkins as my stage name. Hey, what is the difference between a washing machine and your mother? The washing machine doesn't follow me round for a week after I dump a load in her. But seriously, I have business.

I am writing from my secret headquarters. It is in a very secret place where nobody has ever been before. Hobart. While I am here I am announcing my intention of world domination. The axis of evil and I have been watching reruns of Heartbreak High and laughing about how we forced Ada Nicadamamamamamdoo onto the world! Bwahahahaha, phase one complete!

What? Hang on a second. Something has come up. Paul McDermott's wife is making us change something. We wanted to be the Axis of Evil but she is making us change it....

I don't like this.....

We're changing our name. We used to be tough. It has been stolen from us! I regret to inform you all, we are no longer the Axis of Evil but the Axis of Social Club. Tshirts are 20 bucks. Email me....

Arseface McButtmunch, out!

:(

Hello.

2009-09-18T14:38:00.001+10:00

First it was green boots. Now it's yellow bikinis....

Nelson Aspen, The Olive Branch and I

2009-09-18T09:03:00.009+10:00

Nelson Aspen and I - Look at those eyes! DREAMBOAT!

The Blogger waits patiently outside LAX niteclub in Los Angeles. The large black bouncer, wears a smart black button down shirt with pinstriped slacks and shiny jackboots. Large breasted scantily clad women crawl about the path, desperate for their chance to give Charlie Sheen a BJ. One older woman sees Martin Sheen exit and immediately is all over him. Before she can unbuckle his belt, hired security goons remove her.

Martin: Jesus, I am the President! Now I know how Clinton felt...

Goon No. 1: Wow, this muthf*cka still hasn't gotten over the West Wing (in hushed tones to Goon No. 2)

Goon No. 2: Yeah dawg. Stupid ass cracker!

Goon No. 1: Yeah white people are stupid!

Goon No. 2: Hahaha, did you get that from a Chris Rock DVD?

Older Woman: Tell Emilio I loved him in The Outsiders!

Martin: Who the fuck is Emilio? Is that the guy that irons my delicates in DC?

The bouncer unclips the velvet rope separating me from the red velour and black tiled interior of LAX. Young women throw themselves at middle aged men with 'leverage' in the 'industry'. By leverage, I of course men he is a male secretary for a female mail clerk.

Tart #1: Oh my god! This place is amazing!

Tart #2: I think I just fucked Jackie Chan in the janitor's closet!

Me: Excuse me, but I think that guy is the janitor. It says "Janitor" on the back of his jumpsuit and on the front there is a nametag that reads "Miguel".

Tart #2: So?

Me: Jackie Chan isn't a Mexican janitor.

Tart #3: So who are you? What do you do?

Me: Ummm, I'm kind of a writer...

Nelson Aspen: Lame!

With a flourish of his wrist he dismisses the girls now circling me. Their eyes glow green as the neon lighting picks up their sinister smiles. Each one feeling they have just squandered a chance to make it big by not infecting me with some venereal disease.

NA: So, what brings a pretty young thing like you here?

Me: Well I came here to see you... I think we should talk about this olive branch situation.

NA: Ok, so you wanna spank me with an olive branch.

Me: No, it's about your blog.

NA: My blog? Well it's only the most read counterculture, underground, gay hipster, pirate themed thrash metal jazz fusion based weblog in the West Hollywood area!

Me: huh? But it's about the Parrots.

NA: Ahh, not you again. I just had PETA and the RSPCA here yelling at me for using real Parrots in the "Captain Jacks A-Sparrow shoot". I didn't know Simon Rex had done gay porn and I didn't know that birds could catch herpes. Now any further questions will be answered by my legal team.

Me: No. The Parrots Confidential blog. I offered you an olive branch.

NA: What are you talking about? I'm gonna have to ask Kochie about this one...

Me: Kochie? Don't you mean that fuckwit builder guy from all those Jamie Durie 'let's build a house for retards' shows.

NA: Umm, no. he is a fuckwit but I mean Kochie from Channel 7's Sunrise program. You know, the top rating breakfast program that people make joke's about Fifi's box?

Me: But I thought you were that guy?

NA: Oh my god! You don't mean Richard Reid?

Me: Yeah, you. Richard Reid.

NA: Honey, my name is Nelson Aspen and I am a fucking Hollywood correspondent. I can tell you why Emilio Estevez never won an oscar for 'Champions', I can tell you who dyes george Clooney's pubes and if indeed Lady Gaga has man and boy bits.

Me: Then what the fuck does Richard Reid do?

NA: He buys pillows for lounges that don't come with pillows on tv shows that make you wanna put said pillows over his face until the last inch of life is kicked from his limp, brainless corpse.

Me: But I thought he was you. I thought he was at least that semi-normal gay American on Australian tv.

NA: No way. I'm outta here and tell that Richard Reid, I know he's been taping Patti Newton in the shower. He thinks it's Bert. Whacking off over a woman that you think is a man is pretty much the most embarassing act an interior designer can sink to, especially when Underbelly 2 was littered with scenes of Matthew Newton's arse.

Me: Hahaha. What an idiot!

NA: BTW handsome, Emilio never won an Oscar because he married Paula Abdul. 'Opposites Attract' cost him that statue so don't make that mistake. When you get famous, which celebrity will you marry?

Me: Ita Buttrose!

NA: Fist bump that shit!

Me: Nelson, this place is heaps like The Ivy in Sydney right?

NA: No way! This place is full of cocaine swilling reality television stars. The Ivy is full of fuckwits who wear Ed Hardy shirts. Huge difference! It's the kind of place you'd expect to find Dieter Brummer.

Me: Whoa, that bad. Lucky I've never been. Richard Reid has.

NA: I told you he was an idiot. He'd probably try to give Karl Stevanovic a handjob.

Me: He totally did!

NA: Giving the gays a bad name...

Me: See you later Nelson Aspen. Hollywood correspondent and all round sweet dude. I'm glad you clarified that you are not that retarded bloke of Channel 9 who I shall have to track down in my next adventure.

Can I have the 2 minutes it took to read that back?

2009-09-08T14:29:00.002+10:00

So. You know how sometimes you get things you didn't ask for? You know how the things are so painfully shit house that you'd rather sit through a Rove McManus monologue or apply vinegar to your freshly circumcised penis? You know these kind of things like a Hey! Hey! It's Saturday comeback or Paul McDermott singing?

"I've come to rape your ears with my boundless talent for turning the human voice and my lack of wit into a glacially paced song loaded with as much humour as a Hey Dad scriptwriter's apology to his wife for nailing Betty in her Walgett"

Well, we got another thing we didn't ask for this week. Another blog from Richard Reid. Apart from the seemingly incorrect use of actors for current Parrots (I had Michelle Kwan as Mr Cool, Tasma Walton as Dowd, Tom Selleck is the correct moustached choice to play Reynolds - Magnum P.I. era of course, Kevin James as Fairclough and that fat guy that played Gimli in Lord of the Rings to play Werns. Actually no, let's go for Oprah. No... Let's go for someone like Tony Robins that ate Gimli and Oprah. We need this character to be proportionately correct). Oh no, I've got caught up in the magic of it all and forgot where I was..... I was giving it to Richard Reid for infecting the internet with such a disgusting excuse for a blog. Reading that blog makes me feel like I did the first time I saw those Nikki Webster pics in FHM. Should I have a boner? Then I saw the non-photoshopped pics and realised that I should not have had a boner. No amount of Sard Wonder Soap can clean your mind of that image and no amount of Jif can scrub this filth from the internet.

I do however have a solution! I am willing to welcome Richard Reid into my internet bossom if we as Australians do one thing. I am willing to help pave the way for him and allow him to be revered in the god-like manner that you adore me. I will share my harem, my riches, my fame/infamy and most importantly my Segway!

So help me. Come along. Help me rid the world of Paul McDermott! I have already cut him out of the Doug Anthony All Stars poster in my bedroom and sang over all his songs. I have re-edited Good News Week to include only the guests, that fat guy who everybody cheers for losing weight even though he is still the biggest fat arse on tv and that awkward blonde completely devoid of funny comedienne. It actually turn into a good show! Wes Carr actually proves he isn't one dimensional and does a stand up job at a mop impersenation. One girl even fucked a mop, thinking it was him. Turns out it was his girlfriend and she reckons the mop is better!

Anyway. Get rid of Paul McDermott. He was born in Adelaide. ADELAIDE! I didn't even think that was still part of Australia. I thought it existed as some outlaw colony run under pseudo-marshall law where bacteria live in houses and Adelaide-ians live in bins as they are the least evolved form of life. I saw a documentary on Adelaide called Mad Max. You should watch it!

Snowtown residents offer bank tours to tourists. Come and chew the vat.... I mean fat.

So Richard, what do you say? Friends? You are such a Ross after all....

I dunno what to do with myself...

2009-09-04T10:23:00.002+10:00

The season is over. Pricey is the new Parrot of the Year. Mylanta is on special 2 for $10 at Priceline. I've reviewed the season. I've won Blogger of the Year. Considered learning Spanish. Given up learning Spanish. Found out Spanish in the sexual sense is where you finish on the decollatage. Thinking about Spanish again. Now what?

After the John Della Bosca saga, I thought about doing a political blog but after quickly realising that Mr Della Bosca reminded me of The Man Without A Face and wondering what the bird he nailed really liked about him, I thought about it again. I ruled a line through the political blog.

I flirted with the thought of a fashion blog. I like clothes. I like womens clothes, especially when they are made of fishing line and lace so I thought I could add something positive to the fashion world. Then I saw a woman that reminded me of Werns and I could not do back to back blogs about hemlines on women that look like Mimi Bobeck.

Finance? Is economics the key to my new blogging success? Keynesian economics, Marxist Financial Theory, Alan Greenspan? Would we really find fiscal & monetary policy interesting or would I just try to find nudes of an 83 year old Greenspan. I think it will be the later...

If I rule out those options, could I move to something that garners millions of readers a day. A gossip blog? Would you want to read about Lindsay Lohan's latest lesbian fling at the San Diego zoo or Scarlett Johansson's rumoured 3rd nipple. I'd probably just post pictures of how awesome it would be if Britney Spears was in Twilight so she could pash Rob Pattinson. No blog there...

Maybe celebrity is the answer but not gossip. What about music? I like music. I listen to Taylor Swift. Maybe I could give you all the latest news and answer questions like is Lady Gaga a fucking hack or is she just retarded? Not like heaps retarded just like 3 or 4%. She definitely airbrushes her photos! She's got serious Juice-nose going on too. I hate her...

I dunno what to do. I feel like Tracey Grimshaw getting ready to go out. Should I take a belt sander to my face, put on dress and pretend I am a lady or do I dust off the old brown tux and let everyone know that I am in fact a man. Decisions, decisions.

SIDEBAR: So pissed off I didn't get to see George! In fact I will be following a group of investigators trying to track him down. Maybe I can hire that guy says he found Olivia netwon-John's ex but hasn't so much as shown a photo. He sounds good... Where in the world is George San Diego?

The Blogies

2009-08-26T14:27:00.002+10:00

As we creep forward to the night of nights and everyone is anticipation playing that wizard game (which I understand is less like a game and more like a one man beer snake competition made from empty tinnies) it is time to announce the award categories for the Blogies! Yes, just like the Logies but with no Darryl Summers *sad face*.

This year awards (hopefully trophies if I can get my mits on some by Saturday night) will be awarded in the following categories:-

- Most Outstanding Performance in a Season Ending Injury

- Most Situps in Minute & Creation of Patented Abdominal Training Device

- Most Work Hours Worked Outside of Normal Working Hours

- The Bronze Blogie - The Bestest Newest Nickname Award - *nominations will remain open until presentation

- The Silver Blogie - Most Stolen Goals & Credit aka Mr Coat Tail Rider

- The Gold Blogie - Blogger's Favourite Subject Matter

If anyone knows where I can get 6 cheap trophies on a quick turnaround, please let me know cos I now have 2 business days to pull together an entire awards how and I'm not Hugh Jackman. Please help! theparrotblogger@gmail.com

I'd also like to take this time to thank anyone who has any involvement in planning this weekend's festivities.

The Night of the Parrot!

2009-08-24T11:28:00.002+10:00

Guys.... I wish I was coming. I wish that I could be there to eat food from the over priced spit or drink cans of VB's but I cannot... $25 for some burnt meat off a butcher hired spit with salads provided by the bin behind Woolies is too steep and I cannot get Mrs Blogger to part with the cash for that, couple of dolphin chokers full of Australias finest most tasteful beer under $11 a sixer and a pack of Peter Jackson lung fuckers.

I know we all enjoy Parrot night as the night we sit around and eat in gala fashion with speeches and award presentations. It's like the Allan Border medal - Frankston edition. Enjoy your night fellas, my presence will go largely unnoticed thanks to fact I'll be emailing my honour role and presentation speech to Reynolds this year. We've discussed it and because he's been stuffing donuts in his face, he hasn't had the time to write his usual 2 minute thanksgetting speech. Instead I am the brain behind the pen this year and I will only be using fat arse as my communication medium.

Have fun ladies.

Poor Sports "Journalism"

2009-08-21T08:40:00.005+10:00

He's at it again... Richard Reid. I've tried to reach out to Richard personally to increase his viewership, I've tried to give him some tough love (unfortunately not the tough love he requested. That tough love involved a 3 metre length of rope, steel spikes, baby wipes, 5 litres of motor oil and some football headgear) through this blog but none of it has worked. He continually goes about reporting based on rumour, sexual inuendo (in-his-endo! ZING!!!) as well as a lack of proper moral & ethical standards (Yes my morals are loose but not as loose as Richard's. He once swallowed a hamburger whole to show off in front of his new lover but unfortunately he forgot about his destroyed rectum and the burger fell out whole...... on the set of Random Acts of Kindness..... NOT COOL!)

The lies that are published in his "blog" (if we can lower ourselves to call an internet gossip column a blog) are an insult to us as members of the reading public. I adore good literature (once waited in line for 3 days for the latest Danielle Steele novel, worth it!) and abhore false or misleading journalistic claims.

I have secured a number of phone interviews in response to P CON's claims.

BallsToFeet: Do you guys really feel hurt by my actions as a blogger and the light in which I portrayed you?

Deluca: No, not at all. I think it's a fair representation of who we are and the roles which we play in the team. It made my skin crawl to be represented like that. There has been no legal action against BTF, which is probably the premier sports blog in the country.

Mr Cool: From a viewership standpoint, I can see what he (Richard Reid) is trying to do. It's a tough market with exceptional competition... Oh golly gosh, my Rhogan Josh is burning...

Dowd: I feel great just to be counted in with these guys and be mentioned by the greatest sports journalist since Ian "The Bear" Maurice. Sometimes I think about how us Jews have had it hard. We've put up with a lot of shit but now we have people to look up to. As long as I am mentioned in the press then it's good exposure for us. I was talking to that one Jewish guy in Mad Men and we were talking about how BTF has contributed more to the Jewish community in this last season than any self deprecating Jewish comedian has done in the last 6-years. BTF humanises us and makes people realise that as Jews, we are part human.

Werns: Wow, I can't believe the lies that have spurted forth from that degenerate. I love BTF and the light I am shown in. As an intellectual I look at what he does to me and I piss myself. I have always considered myself as a great user of the Queen's English so when I see myself portrayed as someone who can barely speak, it's polarising for people. BTF and I get the joke and that's all the matters. I'm not some retarded jackass who wipes my arse with one hand and types with the other, like Richard Reid. Richard Reid is an anangram for rider chadri and I think that suits him fine. Chadri obviously being another name for a burqa, he is the rider of oppression and infinite abuse. When history has it's pages written you'll find a long list of names looked at in a bad light from Stalin to Hitler to Kim Jong Il to Richard Reid, these people will be remembered like a penis in a porno, an absoloute boner killer but who need them to show you how good the rest of the shit is....

BTF: Wow, what an analgy.

Werns: I don't have no allergy.

BTF: I said analgy.

Werns: Anal? I'm not a poof.

BTF: Forget it.... Hutcho?

Hutcho: I love BTF!!!! Funniest thing since Kyle Sandilands on Enough Rope with Andrew Denton!!!! I'd also like to go on record and say that the quote used on P CON was wholey inaccurate and not the way I feel about Andrew Reynolds at all. He is obviously one of the senior players that everyone looks to for guidance. I don't wanna say hero but.... Fuck it, I do wanna say hero. He's probably the greatest football mind and coupled with his ability it is the best package in GHFA football you'll see going round. If not for the mistakes of others, he'd be leading goal scorer and we'd be playing the Grand Final this weekend. He was played in the wrong position a number of times this year and only given a chance at one free kick. By being limited like that, he still outshone everyone else and proved in the last game, he is the most threatening dead ball kicker in the game. If someone is a better natural, team orientated striker in the world, I've never seen them...

Wow! That is exclusive evidence about the lies and filth that Richard Reid spreads. Let's face it, would you let this guy through your front door?

My Friends

2009-08-19T09:15:00.002+10:00

Now that the season is over and I have regaled a tale of my younger years, you all seem to have a thirst for more knowledge about who I am and what I do. Well, I suppose you all want to know what the names of all my friends are and what they do. Well get ready and open up your knowledge basket cos he come the facts.

You've already met Nuts.

You've already met Shooter.

Wheels is a close friend. He lives in Coober Pedy which I believe is wedged somewhere in the affluent area between Pitt Town & McGraths Hill. He enjoys long work hours and.... Well that's all he really likes.

Leonard is a man of English descent who despite living in Australia for close to 30 years speaks with a thick accent when drunk & around ladies. He has set both the indiviudal and double sit-up world records when he entered the sit-up world champs last year. He entered the doubles by himself and still flattened the competition. Rumours are abound that one night he went for a swim in the Atlantic and this passenger ship called the Titanic and hit him then sunk. I've looked for the answer on snopes.com but nothing so far...

Baldwin is the theatre lover amongst us. An accomplished thespian and television actor, he once had a pivotal role in Water Rats where they wound up in an alternate dimension where he had to give a handjob to Jay L'aigua. In his normal dimension or universe he had to give the handjob to Gary Sweet. He had a similar role in Stingers where he had to give a handjob to Frankie J. Holden and a recurring spot on Home & Away where he gives Morag a handjob. Don't worry, I thought she was meant to be a female too. Turns out she's a hemmy like Lady GaGa.

Henkel Goldstein is our frugel Jewish friend. He was raised in a catholic household but was adopted from a Dan Brown book at an early age. Apparently he has a direct lineage to Jesus, unfortunately not Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus was a fairly common name back then. His lineage is in fact to Jesus Luz who of course is Madonna's new boyfriend.

Waqar is an avid supporter of the Boston Red Sox. He also supports Liverpool. We're guessing he'll be supporting whoever wins the NRL Grand Final and Super Bowl this year.

Azradin is our Pakistani pal. He has HHHUUUUGGGGEEEEE ears and cannot price you a cheap naan oven. He will however let you launch a Jihad from his backyard using Russian artillery and Inzamam-ul-Huq.

I think you've been hit with enough knowledge today. Maybe we'll continue later and I can tell you about Nectar. He's a funny guy. Big nose and all!

Orly?+

2009-08-18T10:34:00.002+10:00

"I am zee guy zat has beens stalking zis Shooter man. I wants him more than zat Burberry and suede satchel by Marc Jacobs"

It's Over

2009-08-18T09:37:00.002+10:00

The season's over boys and now we're left with this sick feeling in our collective stomach. Where do we take it now? What do we do? How can we live a life where we don't see each other? I must admit, I'm getting emotional.

It casts my mind back to when I was a 17 year old young man, out on the prowl. It was the summer of 1999 and I'd gotten my licence in July of that year. My best friends and I used to go for a drive, still relishing our newly found independence. We'll say for privacy purposes that Shooter and Nuts were there names and we were a 3 man wolf pack. Hunting down car boot sales and wine tastings, being fierce young predators of the female variety.

Shooter was a baby faced 5ft 6in womanizing monster. An avid fan of the Stargate television series and obscure sports like Lacrosse he had an air of mystery about him that the ladies liked, or more correctly several of the ladies liked. He often took to the dance floor to exhibit his cat like manoveurs with the crowd that such agile and quick motions deserved. One time we snuck into Rooty Hill RSL while they were hosting WSFM's Jukebox Saturday. Shooter danced from 9:30pm to 10:15pm without even stopping to grab a complimentary soft drink. Like I said, the dude was a party animal.

Nuts was more of a rotund, less elegant mass that enjoyed bad food and even worse women. He preferred to adorn himself in garish garments and radically overstated novelty items like liquor branded belt buckles. His weight proved no issue in his mind and thus he strode about in a gnome-like wimsy. Nuts struggled with the English language and tended to speak in grunts and other garbled tones that neither Shooter nor I fully understood but we let him tag along because if it was only two of us, we'd look like massive fags.

As Shooter was the trend-setter amongst us, he brought us countless items of interest that were ahead of the curve. Like way ahead of the curve! Like the first day of kindergarten he wore a hypercolour t-shirt. At first everyone was like, "What the fuck is that????". 4 Years later the rest of the world new. He had Reebok Pump baby booties, the guy was just that far ahead. This took him far as by his 20th birthday he'd become Karl Lagerfield's new muse and was once pinned down in an Swedish Snow Cabin by both Dolce & Gabbana. Anyway, this one day he brough us our most prized possession, the very first CRAIG DAVID CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I am not for swearing or taking the Lord's name in vein but this particularly day I screamed something about goats, Jesus in a fluoro jumpsuit and a rumoured guy named George who can do 4 situps per second. Shit was crazy!

Now you may say that it didn't come out til 2000 but that is how far ahead of the curve, young Shooter was. For the next 3 months we drove around in Nuts' Nissan Exa playing Craig David at the loudest possible volume. It was at that moment that Nuts all of a sudden belted out "Took her for a drink on Tuesday, did in the arse on Wednesday". Our jaws dropped and we were amazed to hear his first words. That was when Shooter and I realised we were best friends.

Pictures

The offending CD

The car owned and adored by Nuts

Fans of Shooter, petitioning for him to star in Clover Moore's biopic "Oh my Lord (Mayor): More of Moore, The Clover Moore Story"

Nuts on his all-grape diet

P.S. Guys, I am debating whether or not to come to Parrot night. Would I be stealing someone's thunder by planning something when something else was already planned? Probably...

P.P.S. I completely got caught up and forgot to mention how I caught up with George

P.P.P.S. Have we all had enough of the blog this year or should I keep going so I can tell the summer tales of Hutcho making out with a dude in his new play while I hit play on my ghetto blaster pumping out Kate Cebrano singing "Kiss me passionately...." at 400 decibels? I think I'll keep going cos that shit will be priceless.

Happy 100 Posts!

2009-08-12T09:19:00.006+10:00

That's right guys, this post is number 100! It's taken a little while and we've had a lot of fun but we made it.

I thought in honour of this accomplishment, I shall post a picture of the one guy worse than Graham at dancing.

Jean Claude god damn!

Frank?

2009-08-11T15:48:00.004+10:00

As I was scowling the internet looking transgender peoples to verify the existance of Lady Gaga's ding dong (you didn't click the link, did you?). I came across Frank. Frank doing some very unFranklike things.... Namely being a...... DUH DUH DAH!!!! BLACK MANWOMAN FROM ATLANTA!!!!!!

"Hi, my name is Fran... uh... I mean Shaquanda Tanaqueka Jones. What chu talkin' bout? You know I love hot wings! I like your hot wing! You don't know me, don't act like you know me!"

The Warriors

2009-08-11T14:10:00.002+10:00

Special mention goes to the guys who showed up at 1pm on Sunday for our game.

Good work Fairclough, Eunice, Nathan, Cottee, Dowd, Frank, Hutcho, Mr Cool & Rens. You have made an old man very hard.... I mean happy... yeah, happy!

For those that couldn't make it, it was unfortunate. One player more and we would've smoked 'em. I guess this post can serve as a kind of tribute to all you fags who couldn't be there. Cos while we were playing, they were.....

George was oiling his abs and snacking on a carb-free juice bar. (No not Juice's bar)

Graham was trying to convince everyone he'd won THE race. Really, detectives just chased him down a hill and lost him. Apparently there is a warrant out for his arrest as he was discovered to be what was eating Gilbert Grape.

The Juice was trying to track down Tim Bailey's weather report. He had planned to ask him if he wanted some freshly squeezed nuts and then after waiting for Tim's, "which nuts?" reply, grabbing and thrusting his own nuts in the direction of the spray tanned midget, while screaming "THESE NUTS!!!!".

Edge was at the court house trying to change his name back to Reg. Judge responded with "Son, you need to be more careful. That internets can be a real motherfucker." Name remians as Edge...

English was busy being English in England. That involves getting pantsed by the worst Australian cricket captain in the history of Trevor Chappell. Those internets, really can be a motherfucker.

Nick Deluca was at a lunch in the city. How lovely! Unfortunately he left his penis at home and Erin has refused to give him back his balls so until he finds it, he is stuck in a state of gender mystery. Much like Lady Gaga and those hemmy rumours. (Srsly click the link)

Pops was at... Pops was.. Where the fuck was that guy? Oh right, Christening. No, completely understandable. I know when I was Christened, Uncle Blogger was at Rosehill backing "Rocket Raider" in the 5th. Never forgave that prick........ I told him if he was ditching my Christening, could he throw a pineapple on "Carmen Homefirst" in the 7th (Paying $32 on the nose!). He didn't and "Carmen" came home first by about 9 lengths. Said to mum, that if Uncle Blogger comes round ever again, he'll leave a gelding.

Is that it? Is that all we were missing?

New coach for next year? Kenny Powers has the job!

2009-08-11T14:09:00.001+10:00

Introducing.....

2009-08-10T08:11:00.003+10:00

What I like best about this photo is what The Juice is saying without saying anything. It's his piercing eyes that are saying "Hello Mrs Robinson, I've come to clean your pool and play with your vagina....."

How To Waste Your Votes

2009-08-07T12:10:00.003+10:00

WHAT A WASTE! he's played like 3 games this year. Probably should've been directed to a Cottee or a Dowd or a Rens. You know, the 3 favourites to take out this years Andrew Baxter Memorial Award for Excellence in the Field of Goodness. Nick Deluca might get the Ryan Baxter Encouragement Award "Baxter'll Do It..... in about 18 Years".

Names have been changed to protect their identity.

danielle fairchild to me
show details Aug 3 (4 days ago) Reply

Hi AB,
Hope you saw the game on Saturday it was a cracker I hit a volley 25m out and it crashed into the cross bar…
Any ways please see below how much of a jerk deluca is

From: Younis [mailto:ykhan@eunis.com]
Sent: Monday, 3 August 2009 11:43 AM
To: Fairchild, Danielle
Subject: RE:

That second goal he scored was a cracker though… And then after I voted for him, he last minute bailed on coming over on Sat night. Should have known better! Haha

Regards Younis

From: Fairchild, Danielle
Sent: Monday, 3 August 2009 11:41 AM
To: Younis
Subject: RE:

You voted for Deluca….. Yuk! I never vote for that guy it goes to his head too often.

From: Younis
Sent: Monday, 3 August 2009 11:40 AM
To: Fairchild, Danielle
Subject: RE:

He sure did… getting better as the season goes on. I know he normally sucks but Deluca played a bit awesome on the weekend too. He got my 3 votes!

Regards Younis

I Do Prank Calls Good

2009-08-07T09:51:00.002+10:00

What's the difference between Kevin Federline & Graham Werner?

While they both weigh about 150 kilos, one is hilarious and the other has been making a prank call or two while he has been entering himself in the competitve eating section of Channel 9's Wild Winter Weekend.

It is alleged that there was a phone call to rens earlier in the week that consisted of:

"Hey.... You're a fat fuck....... Ummmm........ You're fat....... *unintelligible garble* fatty....... *mumbles* What should I say guys??? Oh, yeah. Big dick prick. You're fat......... This is funny right guys??? Then why are none of you laughing??? Fat....."

While the truth of Graham's comments cut to the core of Rens like a lazer beam full of self hatred and physical discomfort. Rens can take comfort knowing that if George ever needed a wingman (Ha, as if that would ever happen! He doesn't need a wingman, in fact wingmen just detract from his staggering figures of female bedding conquests) he'd most likely pick the chiselled features and slighlty obtuse frame of Andrew "I'd like to Juan Antonio you're Samaranch" Reynolds to the disgustingly rotund and now we can announce, human incarnation of the Purple People Eater, Graham "I singlehandedly drove the American bison to point of extinction before they were brought back to safer numbers by eating them all and being the first person to champion the product, beefalo" Werner. Check and mate....

Thanks for the laughs tubby. Shoulda been a rapper....

"If someone starts an avalanche at the snow fields, it wasn't me, ok?"

The President & I

2009-08-05T14:35:00.005+10:00

That my friends is Vladimir Putin topless, feeding a horse, in some mountauin range with mirrored lenses on his favourite glasses. What does it have to do with us? Everything! See, Vladimir Putin is like Graham Werner. They both think they are really important when the team is around, going as far as handing out instructions and advice but the moment they turn around, the action begins.

Take Saturday for instance. A day that should lay claim to being an historic event. We won and won well without the "advantage" of Graham Werner's presence. Sure, the back was tighter, faster and fitter than it had been all year and Rens really controlled the middle but what we all loved was thinking about that fat fuck being shirtless, feeding a horse in some mountain ranges wearing his most favouritest cheapest $12:00 servo sunnies. Look around, take a deep breath and enjoy the serenity that surrounds you.... P.S. Don't eat the 3ft marshmallows running around, they're called children!

I am glad we won, it was great because we all feel it deep within our bones. We've strived to achieve the unachieveable. Thought to think the unthinkable. Attempted to attain the unattainable and Werns has even eaten the inedible. I enjoy my weekend Juice as much as the next guy (man not the beverage) and it will not seeing him this weekend but we must take it..... Hark. "Take it where?", you say. Why the next level of course. We're talking pennant time bitches!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, it looks like we may only have 9 players and that's if Craig Hutchinson gets over his period, sniffles or whatever reason he felt under the weather on Tuesday. 9 players!!! Can we still win? YES! I say we go out and give it our best. No, Nick Deluca won't be there as Sunday is training day as he aims for this years Tour de Fag unicycle race.

"Gotta get to the finish to see Perez Hilton at the Gala Dinner tonight. Hope he thinks my outfit is Faboosh!" *SNAPS*

Some of the boys are down the snow this weekend and that's been planned for ages so I don't blame them. In fact everyone deserves a week off every now and then. So while they are riding the Pink runs at Perisher, sipping on a Hot Toddy and giving each other back massages, let's go out and position ourselves for the pennant boys! We need a win this weekend, a big one. So Hutcho, pull out your tampon, Franky dust off those boots, Cottee bring Commitment the Dog, Fairclough win back that golden boot and Dowd strap on your bestest favourite sports yamaka, we're gonna win us some pennant boys!

1, 2, 3... NO DILDOS!!!!!

Athletes

2009-07-26T20:05:00.005+10:00

Hey guys. I'm the blogger. I am happily married to my wife, we have to kids and I'm doing they're aunty on the side. My hobbies are woodwork, photography and music. I used to like Kings of Leon a lot before they started playing them on 2dayFM.

Being a blogger is like an episode of Beyond 2000, fucking awesome! This weekend was great. We went from the lows of getting a game stolen from us to snatching a draw from our arch nemesis. Lemme break it down:

SATURDAY

Started off great. Got up to a score of 4-2 with some great goals and efforts. Fairclough's back post header was "CENTIMETRE PERFECT" and Dowd's 6 yard tap in went way above the posts. You could've put a goal on top of the goal and it still would've missed.

Either way, the effort put in to get to that scoreline was all for nought because of 3 plays:-

- Mr Cool unfortunately didn't realise you cannot hip check players in the box Fulton Reed style. A bash brother you may be, Pele you are not. While Gunnar Stahl maybe feeling tingly from you laying a guy out, you'll get no BJ action from Julie the Cat thanks to that indiscretion. So next time you are channelling Fulton Reed, just wear a bandana instead.

- It wouldn't be a loss without a Graham Werner incident now would it? From the day you a born, you are told to communicate with the keeper so you can organise your defensive strategy. Graham might as well have sent Price a letter from Cuba when he attempted to call Price's ball from about a metre inside halfway! As soon as Graham and the player he was marking crossed halway, he was yelling out "Keeper's!". Price responded correctly "No". I would have added a few expletives highlighting the laziness of said defender, lack of marking the attacking player and all round defensive inefficiency of defending player. Lay off the Nintendo dude...

- Crazy or Batshit crazy as I like to call him. Well Crazy went fucking mental on Saturday and decided to get in on the Bash Brothers act with little result. I know the guy is called Crazy right, but I was thinking he should be more along the lines of Rain Man cos the dude is retarded. Thanks for leaving us with 10 men. Last week I said by Football Fans, for Football Fans, no dildos. I was wrong, you're the dildo, Rain Man!

..... and that is how the West was lost. Save for those 3 incidents we go on to win 4-2. Head scratcher ain't it?

SUNDAY

I really liked the Sunday game we played this week. There were a lot of positives but most of all I was just happy because the boys played like athletes and not FATletes like normal. The rain tumbled down..... everyone slipped and slid....... Frank got a YELLOW CARD!!!!!!! Awesome!

I will highlight 2 things on today's performance.

No. 1 - The unmarked guy at the top of the box screaming out your fucking name is not doing it to get attention like some bag lady in Taylor Square. No, no, no. He is doing it because if you pass the ball within a 2 metre vicinity of him, he will score. Ill advised pot shots from the corners are the wrong play. We call it Fred Coiro Syndrome (FCS) or Phantom Conscious Ailment (PCA). FCS and PCA basically boil down to the same thing. Where in a game of basketball Fred Coiro would jack up contested 3 after contested 3, sometimes from as far away as 38 feet, he would do so without any regret, remorse or guilt. This is especially prevalent when a teammate is ina better position to make a higher percentage play. The lack of conscious guilt shown when making such a play is the only symptom of FCS or PCA.

Long time FCS and PCA sufferer - Stirling Mortlock

No. 2 - Mr Cool's Redemption and last minute Bruce Lee Enter The Dragon -esque kick to score the winning goal. Hats off to you... I take back what I said, maybe you are Pele. The Indian Pele. Pele Singh, famous for his tikka naan and unruly turban.

P.S. Highlight 3 was:

Referee: "We can't it's a head injury"

Rens: "You're a head injury! ZING!!"

WeTube

2009-07-26T20:00:00.003+10:00

Today's ref via youtube.

Fuck Richard Reid

2009-07-21T08:07:00.004+10:00

I had a really nice blog planned that would've highlighted our great performance on the weekend but instead my attention was drawn to that fucking moron, Richard Reid and his new blog. I had a nice little piece to run about an exciting victory, Nicolas Deluca screaming "twwwoooooooo" at his bestie Andrew Reynolds after his 2nd goal and some good old fashioned Hutcho beat downs after his personal excursion to NIDA instead of attendance at the Fortress.

Now, let it never be said that I think competition is a bad thing, in fact I welcome it. It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth, kinda like the bad taste Richard Reid left in Todd McKenney's mouth after laste year's Logies. Instead this herpes infested mule:

Whoops. That's the London shoe bomber Richard Reid not the herpes infested mule I was thinking of...... or maybe...... Can you get the internets inside a Colorado Supermax??????? Anyway, I think it's this chicken fucking lunatic that's the opposition blogger:

Richard Reid after visiting the stables finds out you really can have a 3 way with 2 horses - "I fink my jaw 'ill be lock like dis for weeks. Shoulda jus let Makybe this Diva up the batty...."

Like I said I don't mind the competition, normally but I must take issue with the branding of his blog. "Parrots Confidential with Richard Reid" evokes some kind of vagina related female gossip rag. We here at Balls To Feet are opposed to have having any names of any contibuting writers involved with any titular section of our blog. We do not whore ourselves around like a set of phone books at Rove McManus photo shoot. We are Balls To Feet, by football fans for football fans, NO DILDOS! Parrots Confidential is by a cock loving Romanian window washer for drape adoring pansies. Balls To Feet readers have balls between our feet, our nuts are just that fucking big that gravity has taken a hold and they live at our ankles. So you choose, Balls To Feet or Richard Reid's (not shoe bombing guy) balls between your teeth.

Parrots Confidential with Richard Reid (PCWRR) also got another fact wrong! I work off a laptop and the porn key is way bigger than the music key dbag!

Also does Andrew Reynolds really eat pancakes? I went to breakfast once with the dude and he orders a full Englisg Breakfast with a mixed grill on the side. He almost loves meat as much as the non-shoe bombing Richard Reid but in unfathomably different ways. Let me illustrate:

ANDREW REYNOLDS TYPE OF MEAT HE LOVES

TYPE OF MEAT RICHARD REID (NOT SHOE BOMBER) LOVES

Richard is not one to speak about about putting things in arses. I secured an exclusive interview with Todd McKenney. We asked him to pick out of a line up who gave him herpes. The evidence speaks for itself....

"Him. That's the guy that fucked me in the ass, left me in the park in a sex coma with drugs on my person. Richard Reid, I'd come after you so bad if you didn't get me cheap Hannah Montana merchandise you herpes ridden mule!!!!!"

I guess it's up to you guys. Who do you wanna follow? A terrorist or me? If you hate freedom, democracy, breasts, a God given right to porn, red meat, beer and Australia I can see why you would side with a shoe bombing crazy man. I guess it's UnAustralian to follow Parrots Confidential but that's a choice you'll have to make.

Always remember we are Balls To Feet, by football fans, for football fans, NO DILDOS!

The Baloney Fisherman

2009-07-17T08:04:00.002+10:00

Nicolas looks up and catches the eye of his best friend. The man he admires, follows and strives to be like. Reynolds looks back at Nick and says "Why are you looking at me weird?"

Nick cannot explain and fumbles for a response "Um.... uh...... look at me???"

"Hahaha, good one" chuckles Reynolds as he laughs off what he thinks is a joke.

"Phew" exclaims Deluca, happy in the knowledge that he escaped an awkward situation with the man he calls number one.

"Now guys" grunts Werner, interupting what was a nice moment, "We need to just shoot more..."

The boys drift off into a temporary slumber as Graham regales them of days gone by when shooting more resulted in scoring goals. The round headed man towards the back of the shrinking crowd wears his sunglasses with purpose, waiting for everyone to notice. The leather vest he sports screams 1 part recently outed lesbian and 1 part Lord of the Rings reenactment enthusiast. He steps forward and with a draw from his cigarette announces "I'm back!".

"Ah, Geoff..." a number of the boys reply with indifference. "Didn't know Geoff's big gay ride on his big gay bike was this big gay weekend. Welcome back you big fruit!"

P.S. Hutcho needs some help rehearsing a scene for his new play and is nervous ask if you'd help him out.

Again....

2009-07-13T20:25:00.003+10:00

Once again everyone decides to take holidays before season is over and it has resulted in three of the most fucked things I've ever had to witness.

No. 1 - Werner steering his fat ass around. It looked like he was trying to drive a bus on an ice rink. I can't believe he scored. It's horrible!

No. 2 - Letting a team score 11 against us is just sad. I feel bad for those who I witnessed try their darndest but it was the lazy few that cost them. Whether it was Fairclough having a few Appletinis in the city, Cottee attending a weekend intensive hairdressing workshop to expand his horizons (and work an almost technically impossible 167 hour week) or Reynolds trialling for Australia's Biggest Loser, it was the absentees that cost us. I tip my hat to those brave and true who did their best.

No. 3 - Hutcho should not be allowed internet access when he is on his period cos I just received this:-

"Dear anonamous Blogger, You wanna rib me for not turning up last week, go ahead I can take it. Being injured and turning up to the game I would have still played, because I can't help myself, but not turning up at all with no injury present is just fucked. To those brave sould that turned up today to face a strong 11 man Gladesville side you need a medal or some big fucking trophy. With only 9 men in the first half and driopping to 8 in the second due to Pops having to leave, we played with heart and spirit and never once gave up. Forfeit I hear you say? Would have only lost 3-0 I hear you say? FUCK that. I'd rather go down fighting and lose 11-1 than forfeit a game. Our defence in the first 30 mins was spirited to say the least. We were playing like posessed Parrots. Of course it wasn't going to end up well with injuries to boot and fatigue destined to set in, but not one of us gave up.......NOT ONE. Write about that Mr Absentee......"

I don't understand why I have become the target of his mid-menstrual rage but I shall rebut a few points and clarify some others.

I understand Hutcho's angst over the lack of numbers. To me it is stomach churning but don't for a second think running about in the city and ordering peach schnapps with a girl half your age is an acceptable reason for non-attendance.

Kudos to you! I agree, I'd rather play 90 minutes and get a real result, sense of accomplishment and hang out with Frank than hand in a "not coming to the kick-off, love The Parrots" letter to the ref.

Again, I agree. I had a boner just watching some of you fuckers give it your all. Although Dowd did go missing for large periods in the game for no apparent reason. He did have a hanky and was sobbing the words to Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough". MIght have had something to do with it.....

Mr Absentee? Who is that? I defy you to run over to me on your poorly constructed ankles and say that to my face! I was there at Morrison Bay. I witnessed it and I'm pissed of at it too! I don't know who the fuck you think I am so I will tell you. My name is Alex Fucking Dimitriades and I was in The Heartbreak Kid bitch, which then spawned Heartbreak High, home of Drazic so stick that up your ass! So next time you take a Sunday of to go rollerblading at Manly and share milkshakes with some young lady (or boy, I don't discriminate - it's probably a boy though, right?) don't come pointing the finger at me and hurling wild accustaions. I am the Blogger. Insinuating that I am anything less than a demigod is tantamount to heresy. Arsehole...

"Awww, shit....."

2009-07-05T19:37:00.007+10:00

I feel it apt to name today's blog after a quote from the big fat man himself. Hats off to you.

To the fags who didn't show up, fuck you! Way to leave us stranded with 10 men. I also believe our policy at the beginning of the year was injured players still attend matches especially home ones! I know of 2 injuries and those players should have still attended. Hutcho and Deluca..

Actually I am not entirely sure what happened to Lay-Down-Deluca but news has filtered through rather quickly that he was at Captain Snooze picking up a new pillow. Wear the other one out did we champ????

No Hutcho cos Hutcho was in the city. Photo above provides the evidence but he was also seen in LA sporting a blonde actress as pictured below. Crazy times!

Who knows what he'll do next? Everyone is going to his next play though. I have a camera set up and a red light ready to stick out the front. Shirts off and pucker up Hutcho, you'll be kissing some dude named Steve!

If anybody is interested, I'm collecting money for a present for Cottee. I know he's 26 and played soccer for almost 20 years but I thought it was about time we all invest in buying Cottee a copy of "MY FIRST BOOK OF SOCCER RULES"! I'll highlight the passage about hacking knees from behind in the box equals a penalty...... What a guy......

Remember when Werner sat on the ball and it almost popped? Jerk.....

This game pissed me off. At least I picked up the new book by Geoffrey Werner & Hayden Cooper called 'The Mechanics of Love - A Couples Guide to Port Douglas'. Good read.....

P.S. Dowd as spotted in Melbourne with some locals.

Excerpts From A Lovely Life - Frank's Twitter

2009-07-02T15:36:00.007+10:00

My name is Frank and I'm the cause of a whole new generation of addicts. Some people like me but most people love me and they are diagnosed Frankaholics. You can bask in the glow of my awesomeness and join your fellow man to admire how freaking sweet I am. Just read my lessons of life and enjoy it. Here are my twitter entries from my day....

12:49pm: Decide it's time for a walk. Outshine the sun.....

1:32pm: Download the new Miley Cyrus single off iTunes. Delete it after one listen when I realise it sounds nothing like Achy Breaky Heart.

2:16pm: Can't be bothered doing situps for my abs. My abs agree and instantly grow. I look like Peter Andre from hip to shoulder.

3:24pm: Sick of abs. Tell them to go back to normal.

4:01pm: Get called to hospital to help sort another child out. Poor kid had a lazy eye. I present my beautiful face and immediately the kid's eyes look at me. Another miracle performed. I thought everyone knew that you need 2 eyes looking directly at Frank, to handle the beauty.

4:02pm: Kid's head explodes from my beauty..... Darn side effects....

4:47pm: Call my mate Willie Nelson. He's flying out this week just to hang out. We're getting matching American Indian tattoos. He smokes so much weed.......

5:29pm: Saw a Lady GaGa film clip. Does anyone get her?

6:01pm: Prawns for dinner. I thought I told Hutcho I don't eat shellfish as a main! I'm gonna have to choke a bitch!

7:01pm: Home & Away is on.... Boring!

7:47pm: Went to Hooters. Looks like I am expecting 8 junior Franks in about 9 months.....

8:36pm: Tired after the 9 way with the Hooters girls. too many Buffalo Wings. I'm going to bed.....

Graham Goes Goth.......

2009-07-02T15:01:00.000+10:00

4-0

2009-06-28T19:06:00.002+10:00

We did it... we did it.... we fucking did it!!!!!!!!

Way to catch a win fellas. It was awesome to sit atop my perch and be happy with our performance. Instead of a blow by blow detailed account let's just discuss the best parts.

Pops scored 3 goals and it was brilliant to see a team performance get him there. He did score a cracker from a free kick but it was probably the goal which went from Juice to Dowd to Pops to back of the net that gave me my biggest stiffy this year.

Speaking of stiffys, you probably could a put a stiff cold corpse out there instead of Werns and we would have played even better. It was the worst performance as a captain I have ever seen! Remember when you used to have atheltics carnivals at school and there was always the fat kid that came but didn't participate. Not through lack of physical ability but just resigned to the fact that he was too fat to actually be competitive. That's how I felt about Graham's perfomance. Maybe if he had steered clear of his competitive eating hobby and ditched out on the Sydney OPen Hot Dog Eating comp the night before he could have been more use than the lead weight he was. Like an anchor deployed too early, he just slowed us down. Thanks fat man...

The racially insensitive Graham Werner paints himself black as a tribute to Michael Jackson in Friday's Sydney Open Hot Dog Eating Competition. Graham won the 185kg division and then proceeded to eat all the competitors from the 150kg division.

Nick Deluca's 25 second perfomance was a thrilling tribute to his heros. Later Nicolas tipped his hat towards Sonny Bill and Gasnier saying "My injury prone career mirrors the greats and I'm right up there with them". Unfortunately Nick fails to realise that these are two of the most overrated NRL players of all time, providing headlines more for their unavailability due to injury than actual onfield performances. Nick gets our new award this week because doctors actually diagnosed Nick with an overdose of Deep Heat and no actual physical injury. In
honour of our favourite Olympian Nick wins the.....

..... "Lay Down Sally Award". When it all becomes too much, just take a break, have a lie down or make like Deluca and sub off.

Brendan Dowd's goal was a fun little number too.

I really liked the Asian kid who fell down when any off the Parrots breathed on him. What a legend!

Rens pushed an Indian kid. After the game Mr Cool pushed him back. Mr Cool said there's safety in numbers and there is like a billion of them! Mr Cool withdrew his omment when he realised the rest of the world is against him because he has denied getting cheap naan ovens for the rest of the globe.

That'll do for the match report. Nice win turds!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waste of my 30th blog in 30 days..... I don't care....

2009-06-26T15:22:00.004+10:00

Watson: I've got this great Michael Jackson joke.

Holmes: It's not about him touching children is it?

Watson: No don't be stupid. That would be disgusting.

Holmes: Go on then....

Watson: Michael Jackons walks into a bar....

Holmes: No he didn't. He's dead.

Watson: ......... I see your point........

A Target Set & Almost Made

2009-06-24T14:47:00.003+10:00

At the start of June, I made a pact with myself. I'd make 30 blogs in 30 days for the month of June. I am one more blog away and I need your help. Vote for who the blog should be centred around and really get involved. This is a blog for the people by the people... more accurately, this person a.k.a. me a.k.a. The Blogger a.k.a. Rob Schneider....

http://www.addpoll.com/vote" method="post" target="_top" style="margin:0;" name="addPollVote">

Who should the 30th blog in 30 days be about?

Kenny "Pow Wow" Keow (Dave)
Geoffrey Werner
Graham Werner
George
Nicolas Deluca

view results
Free vote poll

I May Like Nick Deluca But Nick Deluca LOVES Ices Skating

2009-06-24T12:34:00.002+10:00

When you talk Nick Deluca, you inevitably talk about his first love, ice skating. It's 7AM on a Monday morning and I am meeting him Macquarie Ice Rink where he trains religiously with world famous Ms Madeline of France. It's not his frame, his face or his routines that draw attention. It is his unwavering support to the IGSFU or International Gay Figure Skating Union ( www.igsfu.org ). He has become a beacon of light in this ever darkening world of ours and the ice may be cool but it melts below his fire hot routines commonly known as and referred to by Nick as "Red Hot Fire Ice Love".

As I seat myself next to Nick in preparation of the interview, I examine the man and try to see what makes the world love Nick and Nick love ice skating. Is it his seemingly effortless dishevelled locks, unquestionable fanboy attitude towards Ronan Keating or almost crossgender apparell that draw the crowds? It certainly isn't his looks and this conundrum still has me baffled.

I just wished that he'd opened up more about his ice skating and less about his other pursuits. I had to cut the interview short cos I just couldn't take it anymore. Anyway, read on and you'll see what I am talking about. Thanks for your time Nick.

BallsToFeet: Thanks for meeting with us mate. We really appreciate it.

Nick: No worries Balls. I love your work. Sometimes when I curl up on the couch after a hard day of choreography with my toy poodle 'Samson', we flick over the site and have a little chuckle.

BTF: Great to know champ. Thanks.

Nick: Cool. I suppose you wanna hear me sing right? "The smile on your face lets me know that you love me...."

BTF: No, no. It's quite alright. I wasn't expecting that at all.

Nick: You sure? I love to sing. I've been listening to some George Michael to plan my latest routines to. "If you're looking for fastlove.... Fastlove in your eyes..."

BTF: Ummm... Thanks for that. You sound great.

Nick: Well, I think I can just harmonise really well. Sometimes when the ice machine is on the rink I can feel the rhythm and so I start to move and sing. "I'm blue daba dee daba doo daba deee..... I have house with a blue window..."

BTF: Let's talk signature moves. You don't just stop at the toe loop, Lutz or Axel but you go for the more audacious moves don't you?

Nick: Yeah. I like the one-foot salchow, toeless lutz or the mazurka. I like the different ones that make me wanna sing with excitement. It's like the embodiment of a Vanessa Amorosi single. "Floating in a weir and you think you'll never sink, so you, forget all your fears, your fears..."

BTF: Isn't that Killing Heidi?

Nick: Umm, no. I think I know my Vanessa Amorisi. I've only got like all her albums and singles like "Sorrento Moon". "I remember, how it all came true, It was oh so tender, And I was lost with you, By the sweet sorrento moon...."

BTF: Dude, that's Tina Arena.

Nick: Whatever. "What you want..... Baby I got..... What you need..... You know I got..... All I'm asking for...... is a little respect when you come home......"

BTF: I'm lost. I thought this was about ice skating and all you're doing is singing.

Nick: I love singing and singing loves me back. I would've made it to Sydney if that fat fuck Kyle Sandilands hadn't said no. He said my act was too heavy on the dancing but Marcia knew what I was on about. She said "Mmmmhmmmm, you got it girlfriend". As the token black member on the panel like Randy Jackson is on American Idol, I took it as a massive compliment. I was singing some Mariah that day... "Dreamlover come rescue me....."

BTF: Fuck this. I thought I'd get an interesting article and all you're doing is singing.

Nick: "Baby come back, you can blame it all on me, I was wrong, and I just can't live without you"

BTF: I'm out....

Nick: "I said I love you but I lied.... Cos this more than love I feel inside...."

BTF: You're singing Michael Bolton at me? Really?

Nick: "It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen! I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get Absolutely soaking wet! It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! It's Raining Men! Every Specimen! Tall, blonde, dark and leanRough and tough and strong and mean..."

BTF: Fuck this.....

Nick: Dude, where you goin? Don't you wanna talk IGSFU and the conservative right's plan to crush all same sex relationships as they believe that those people could rise to create an economic super class, undermining the very basis of the conservative right via persuading changes in policy based on the dollar and not on the corrupted moral groundings which they so valiantly try to hold on to????? Oh well....... "Accidentally Kelly Street where friends and strangers sometimes meet..."

A Night Beneath The Disco Ball: Clubbing with Graham Werner

2009-06-24T10:22:00.004+10:00

8:00PM Get dressed at home. Maybe a Strongbow or 2 to get night started.

8:16PM Pump up Skitz Mix 3 and stretch for 'Worm' move.

8:17PM Change clothes into something a little more appropriate. Opting for Hawaiian button down shirt, blue Levi 501s, Jim Beam belt buckle and new leather shoes. Clarks, same brand as my Year 8 school shoes. The retro look is all the rage.

8:23PM Start doing hair.

8:49PM 3 tubs of hair gel later, hair is complete.

9:01PM Drive to job site near city. Park car and catch cab to cross.

9:58PM Meet boys for beer in generic Irish Pub. Got to the city in 23 minutes. Nobody believes me. Explain shortcut via Wiseman's Ferry, Gold Coast and Ballina. Nobody understands, may have fooled them.

10:26PM Buy Jagermeister bomb. Barman doesn't know what I mean. He says "Oh, you mean a Jager bomb". I say "Yeah, that's what I said. Jagermeister Bomb".

10:39PM Request Screaming Jets song from DJ. Looks at me weird. Plays song instead, I sing along anyway. I dunno the words but I don't think anyone notices.

11:01PM Time to hit the first club. Hope I get laid....

11:39PM Haven't been allowed into any clubs so far. I tried talking to the bouncers but they thought I was smashed. Spose I am....

12:04AM Get into the Bourbon and head straight for the bar. Vodka, lemonade, red cordial and Red Bull. Fuck the disco biscuits, I'll be out there in a minute.

12:08AM On the dance floor. carving up! Been knocked back by 18 chicks so far. Oh well, with each failure I am closer to success.

12:12AM I've used all my dance moves except the 'Worm' and it's too early for that. I've already done the point, the my hands are guns point, right foot forward with head shake, left foot forward with head shake, hand clap and hands in the air. I thought they'd last longer....

12:14AM Try the 'Worm' out of desperation. Shame Thommo spewed on the floor before I did it.

12:16AM Buy new shirt from Asian shop next door. $3 and it's heaps better than the one I just ruined.

12:40AM Run into the Ibrahim boys. Tell 'em how pissed off I am about their bro gettin' chk chk boomed. They don't recognise me. Told them we'd met heaps.

1:03AM Realise I've never met the Ibrahim boys before but had only seen them on TV. Boys think I am a legend so I keep it up.

1:27AM Angus reckons he knows a place that heaps of celebrities go to like Ian Roberts, Tom Cruise, John Travolta & Perez Hilton. I'm in...

1:38AM Arrive at Lotus Butterfly and walk straight in. There are chicks gettin' onto chicks everywhere!

1:42AM Have hit on 6 chicks and they all say they are lezos. I say 'so what? Bring your girl too!' They ask me if I know that lezos only like other birds. I say yeah but let me in on the action. They walk off. I don't get lezos....

2:15AM Have had my arse smacked 23 times without a girl in sight. They must be ninjas. Guys seem friendly though.

3:21AM They've played Lady Gaga here about 400 times. The guys go crazy about disco sticks. Dunno what they are but I want one.....

3:27AM Guy keeps asking if I'm a bear. I keep saying no, I go for the Tigers. Ya know, Benji, Farrah and Tuaiki. Bought me a drink though. Appletini's rock!

8:09AM Just woke up. Must've picked up cos I've got pash rash. Man, must've done a ring stinger last night cos my arse kills.... I'm goin for Yum Cha.

The Juice: Freshly Squeezed

2009-06-23T09:08:00.003+10:00

A lot people think they know The Juice but really have no idea. Here are some home truths about the Juice straight from my new Biography of the man called 'The Juice: Freshly Squeezed'.

He grew up in Goulburn prison. Committing his first B & E at the tender age of 6 months.

He has had 5 nose reduction surgeries. Each one a giant success.

His favourite television program of all time is A Country Practice.

He dreams of living in Wandin Valley.

Says that Graham would be Matron, Jeremy Evans would be Cookie and Frank would be Esme Watson.

Rumoured to actually like Nicolas Deluca. (Rumour later proven to be false)

Has the most powerful hips this side of Frank.

Left professional wrestling due to a union dispute.

Left professional hitman business due to lack of health and superannuation benefits.

Left professional email forgery business after lack of support from Federal Liberal party centred around 'Utegate" fallacy.

Puts Rhianna at #73 on his "Boning Accomplishments of All Time List". Louise Savage occupies spots 1 through 72.

Wrote the hit song "Wasn't Me" for Shaggy and traded to him for lessons in impersonating Shaggy. Still getting voiceover work today. No guesses who the real winner was....

Has never been diagnosed with Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome and is the closest to an Uncle Jesse I've seen (excluding Frank).

Is not in possession of the gayest photo ever taken. I have that and it was taken on Saturday night.

Has a dance routine for every Salt 'N Pepa song ever recorded.

Received the first ever 'Touchdown' from Mark Holden.

Shot Steady Eddy to fame after defeating the former "Stable Eddy" of the NSW Amateur Wrestling Championships, he caused several brain damaging injuries and told Eddy jokes on the way to hospital where he would operate on him and save his life. Eddy retells this jokes on a nightly basis and gets paid good money for them.

All time highest scorer on Tetris...... BLINDFOLDED!!!

Tried to create porn spin off of children's television show Hannah Montana called Hymen Montoya. Waiting to be picked up by a film studio. Misty Hyemn signed on as lead actress. Hymen is still attached (pun not intended).

Had a clear assasination attempt on Robert Mugabe but he reminded him too much of Bill Cosby. Juice didn't know it was Bill Cosby sweater day in Zimbabwe and everyone looked like Bill Cosby.

Used to shoot an electro-fireball which made a sound like 'Haduken'. Signed rights over to Street Fighter video game. Mr Cool is the inspriration for Dhalsim.

Secretly likes Rove.... NOT! Nobody likes Rove.

Safety Dance

2009-06-22T11:39:00.003+10:00

We can dance if we want to.

We can leave your friends behind.

Cause' your friend don't dance,

and if they don't dance,

well they're no friends of mine.

The Roller Disco of Your Life

2009-06-18T13:50:00.002+10:00

Left..... right..... left...... right......

The four wheels attached to bottom of his feet spin wildly as he races along the asphalt.

Left..... right...... left...... right....... SPIN!!!!! Wooohooo!!!!! Left..... right.......

Hutcho adjusts the volume on his iPod Nano. Jonas Bros are now blaring in his ears as he roller skates down the road to his local Juice Bar. 'One more Boost Juice and I get a free wheatgrass shot' he thinks to himself.

The high white tube socks hug his calf muscles and the baby blue short shorts swivel on his hips as he cuts an elegant frame next to cars, trucks and Vespas. Hat on backwards and sun on his face, this topless man is enjoying one of life's simple pleasures, roller skating to Castle Towers for a Boost Juice while listening to some of the best music ever. Pink is the next song up and Hutcho accelerates his pace cos now he feels like moving!

"So what? I'm still a rockstar!" he screams at the 3 boys riding along in their convertible Jeep. They know what he is talking about as they sing along with him, "I got my rock moves...". Grabbing hold of the tow bar, he snakes from side to side. Giving his gleaming hairless legs the rest they deserve, he takes it easy.

He spies a turn off up ahead and says "Seeya boys, thanks for the ride. Rock on!". Giving the devil horn hand signal to the boys, he peels off and flys down the street. The cool wind hits his nipples and a shiver hits his spine. Now away from the hustle and bustle of the traffic, he has a quiet thought to himself. "This is the roller disco of my life and I'm lovin' it!".

His face pops in front of yours and with an unwielding quiver of the eye brows, he questions "Is this the roller disco of your life? Stop being a wallflower, get out there and move!"

Next thing behind him. Graham starts doing the worm..... I guess it's the roller disco of his life......

Detective I.P. Freely

2009-06-18T11:32:00.002+10:00

I've worked hard to get where I am. My detective skills have been enhanced over the past 18 years and I have finally cracked the Melbourne underworld. What you don't know is that it has all been run from Sydney by Geoffrey Werner or his underworld name, Mr Sparkles. It all made sense over the last week of activity both in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane. I'll take you through a rough timeline of what happened. Don't show this to anyone or I could become a target and Mrs Blogger just might shit herself at the thought of selling my LH Torana and Singing Fish collection so much that she'd tell Mick Gatto where my Apple IIe is stationed. The very Apple IIe that I play "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego" on and type this blog on. Please eject the 5.25 in floppy disk before you cap me, it is still in mint condition and could fetch a price upwards of $10.00 on eBay!

Friday

Geoffrey and Hayden leave their shared home as one of the first open same sex partnerships in the Australian Underworld.

Geoffrey orders a Skim Latte and skips through the Lifestyle section of the morning paper. Hayden has Eggs Benedict with a green tea. Chatter seems normal.

Underworld figure Sam "The Brick" Houseman arrives and warns Geoff of an arranged hit by an unknown motorcycle gang member.

Geoff is ran into by elderly community member, Ethel Rogers, on her gopher as she meets the girls for brunch. Geoff assumes this is the hit Sam was referring to and takes a sachet of orange drink Tang from Ethel's front basket. Ethel rams Geoff until he hands back the Tang. Geoff runs away, thankful that he escaped the hit. Hayden tends to his wounds.

Geoff attends job sight to meet Michael "Mick the Oil Slick" Galapanarous. Mick hands Geoff a box of pornography. Geoff thanks Mick and asks for a box of tissues and the nearest DVD player. Hayden appears disgusted.

Geoff tells labourer to remove his vehicle from job site. Labourer asks for a moment so he can finish helping an old lady across the street. Geoff throws dirt in his eyes. The labourer stumbles in to Geoff and Geoff assumes he is attacking him from behind. Geoff repeatedly punches the labourer until Hayden voices his concerns about damaged nails and the consequences of having uneven nails and satin sheets. Geoff immediately stops. The labourer tells Geoff it's ok, problem solved. The labourer introduces himself as Antonio Moran, the less known more flamboyant member of the Moran crime family. Geoff demands a box of tissues and DVD player.

SATURDAY

Geoff has arrived in Sydney to support his fellow man in the "Ride for Pride" same sex civil union movement.

Antonio Moran and Geoff share a drink, talking about their love of sequins and dolphins.

After attending the Sydney Aquarium, Antonio tells Geoff about how his father never let him do cross stitch or quiltwork. Geoff immediately flys to Melbourne.

MONDAY

Geoff whacks Des Moran and calls Antonio. Antonio says his dad was Les Moran from Gippsland not Des Moran. Hayden yells in the background. 'Yeah Geoff, you never listen!'. Enraged Geoff asks Antonio what's going on. Antonio hangs up.

Geoff arrives at Gippsland Falcons HQ, asking after Les Moran. Deaf Benny, the hearing impaired door man informs Geoff that he got whacked by his sister in law. Geoff, content in his bad-ass-ery flys home.

Les Moran asks Deaf Benny what the round headed, eye brow beast wanted. Deaf Benny tells Les about Geoff and says he was asking after Des Moran. Les, fires Benny for not being able to answer simple questions. Benny doesn't understand and asks Les, "What do you mean I am cracked?". Poor Deaf Benny.....

TUESDAY

Deaf Benny sees "Ab-Crunch-Roller-King by George" is coming out shortly. Deaf Benny plans on who he can root after getting the 'Abs-by-George-effect'. Deaf Benny decides on Tracy Grimshaw.

WEDNESDAY

Deaf Benny goes to the optometrist for a check up. Deaf Benny's eyes are fucked. Why'd he wanna root Tracy Grimshaw?

THURSDAY

In typical builder fashion, Geoff's DVD player and tissues arrive on site.

Commitment Isn't a Four Letter Word (But It Feels Like it Should Be)

2009-06-16T08:49:00.004+10:00

The sun's first rays crept under his door, caressing the empty protein shake canisters, reflecting off the mirror-like wrapping from his protein bars and touched upon 3 Dutch triplets. Nude in the morn's first light and embracing the smiles on their collective faces, you could tell that something wonderful had occurred last night. Just how wonderful will never be known as a member of the local gentry, George knows that loose lips sink ships.

By the stage the sun touches the bed, he is up. Shaking off a Eurasian bombshell and sliding on his runners you can almost see the thoughts running through his head and the focus in his eyes. "If I build it, eh meh, they will come" is the mantra he chants softly, careful not to wake the famous Japanese pop singers Iri Noshikawa and Yoki Gorikini. He sidesteps his way to the door and pulls the handle. In a moment he turns back to survey what he accomplished from a single night at Harold Park trots and is content, if only for a minute.

Today he has more pressing issues. The production of his revolutionary new piece of fitness equipment has suffered a set back and George knows that the valueable television market is susceptible to changing it's purchasing mind on a whim. With the competition heated already and knowing he is only days away from falling behind Billy Blanks and his new fitness equipment, "Ab Flabber Plus", he must remain focused with scientists working round the clock.

"Eh meh, Professor Davis. Have you figured out the solution yet"

"No George. Only your abs have been able to withstand the rapid muscle growth promoted by the oscillating action only available in the 'Ab-crunch-roller-king By George'. The Peter Andre we transported from 1993 had a meltdown when he tried it. Literally his abdominal section melted!"

"But I saw him in the film clip to Mysterious Girl and he was really ripped!"

"I know George. It's worrying us too! If the North Koreans ever got a hold of this...."

"I know a South Korean. Maybe we could send him in if shit gets dangerous."

"Dangerous. You think it will only get dangerous? This could be the end of the world and you're worried about it getting dangerous! Dammit, George! You have a gorgeous body. A gorgeous body full of gorgeous abs and I do not want it on my conscience, that those abs were paid for by the blood and tears of millions of communist citizens. When I helped Hulk Hogan lift the Iron Curtain and end the Cold War, I swore that I'd do everything to fight communsim and it's evil use of ab creating exercise equipment and if the North Koreans get this from Danoz Direct, we could be in the middle of a shit storm. A shit storm without an umbrella! You know what happens when you don't have an umbrella in the middle of a shit storm? You get covered in shit!"

"Eh meh, calm down bro. It's not like I borrowed your gravity boots to pick up all these chicks at Harold Park Trots and have an orgy with them which I just left to come down and speak to you while cleverly placing the gravity boots back in the safety box which should normally only be opened by NASA.... Jeez...."

"Orgy? Really?"

"For real bro!"

"Nice. High five!"

"Eh meh, ok."

*SNAP*

"Snap? I have it. If we insert a video projector and sound system into the 'Ab-crunch-roller-king By George' that plays the music video for Snap's 'Rhythm is a Dancer'. The song's unique melodic structure will harmonise with the increased brain waves, releasing serotnin into the blood stream, calming the brain and allowing for an increased strain on the abdominal region!"

"I love that song bro!!!!!"

I like Nick Deluca

2009-06-15T15:09:00.004+10:00

I've been getting a bit of feedback about the blog and what people think is entertaining and what is not. A lot of people are saying how harsh I am towards Nick Deluca. To be honest, I like the guy. In fact, I would go as far to say that he is one of the nicest guys I know and there is not one time in my life I felt an emtion other than love, respect and a tinge of sexual tension towards the man. Sure, every time I see a picture like this:

my mind goes straight to Nick Deluca but it is only cause I think he is a champion. Just like Martina!

So what are the best things about Deluca? I have used science to find them out, and as Einstein says, "Dude, you can't fuck with science".

THE BEST THINGS ABOUT NICOLAS DELUCA

1. He has skipped the 'H' in his first name, making him heaps cooler than anyone using a 'H' in theirs! No, Hutcho, we won't start calling you Utco so you can cash in on the Nick-Deluca-"I ain't puttin' no stinkin' 'H' in my name!"-policy.

2. Even though he gets more injuries than Sonny Bill, he still comes to games to support the team and never says a bad word about anyone....... of importance. I must admit, there is more beer too after he brings a 6pack of West Coast Cooler for himself.

3. People make rhymes about him using popular food stuffs and confectionary item such as - "Nick, Nick, we love your dick, I want use it as a Wizz Fizz stick!" - Mr Cool circa. 2008 or "God made Rice Bubbles, God made Fruit Loops, God knows I'd love to stick it up your poop shoot" - unknown circa. Year 9 camp, 3rd bunk from the door, bottom bunk, Buzz Lightyear Sleeping Bag.

4. He isn't afraid to let his emotions out, like he says "Dowd, you're a jerk". That probably keeps him in a very fit mental state, which allows numerous posts by myself to erode this healthy state and drive him into a world of self loathing and hair issues.

5. Almost always, Nick has had very nice hair. Except for this one time....

6. He is an unselfish player who only steals this finest of goal oppurtunities and leaves the forgettable ones to everyone else.

7. Always has a goal celebration planned, but rarely follows through with it.

8. He has a cat and cats are awesome! They're like mini-lions that you can put on your lap. Who doesn't like mini-lions? What's that Satan? You and your devil spawn are the only people on Earth who don't like them? Shame on you... No wonder Jesus didn't invite you to the Ewok's hug giveaway!

9. He's married so you know he's been laid at least once, unlike other guys that you think could still be virgins and hide it by jumping on your bed screaming "I'm the best".

10. He's friend's with Frank. If there's a better judge than Frank, I don't wanna meet him.

To Nick Deluca, you're a cool guy. You take everything I say with a grain of salt and you always thank me for my honest insight. It's either that or you can't read and I am wasting my time with this entire post.

"God made the bolt, God made the nut, God made Nick get a lesbian hair cut" - The Blogger circa. 2009

I love you Nicolas Deluca, Prince amongst thieves, rose amongst thorns, mushroom amongst turds....

Getting to know your players

2009-06-15T10:06:00.002+10:00

I decided last week when I was trying to develop some new material for the blog that I'd do an email interview with a player and see how they respond to some of the media's hard hitting questions. I chose Mr Cool because he got picked on in school for having really big ears. Here it is, all from Mr Cool's mouth... or keyboard as it were. I also added my critique or additional comments to how it should be answered or developed on a bit more. A good first effort though. Enjoy:

Mr Cool in his Year 6 Talent Show

mailto:Nicholas_D to me show details Jun 12 (3 days ago) Reply

D'Cruz, what is that? Spanish?

Way back I think it's Portuguese.

EDITOR: Where are the Oporto vouchers then?

How do you think, the roundhouse kick can:
a) be countered in a streetfight?

Only Frank can successfuly negotiate a properly executed roundhouse kick... while doing La Bamba!

b) be improved and remain relevant in an ever changing world? Anything can be improved with the addition of Frank.

ED: Agreed.

Ok, you're being held hostage and in order to save your life you have to perform in a Broadway Musical of television's Perfect Strangers. Do you take the role of Larry Appleton or Balki Bartokomous?

Balki... no contest. Deluca is more of a Cousin Larry, and Hutcho could have a cameo as Ellen.

How many roundhouse kicks is enough roundhouse kicks?

No such thing as 'enough roundhouse kicks'.

Why can't you get your 'friends' reasonably priced naan ovens?

Part of being Indian is being lazy. Also, there's a billion Indians in the world, and a fair proportion of them make their living from selling Indian food to fat bastards like Reynolds. If I started getting my friends reasonably priced naan ovens, I'd have a lot of relatives out of work. Don't forget that Indians have a very different concept of what is 'reasonably priced' to Australian's.

ED: Are you Portuguese or Indian? I disagree with the fact that Indians are lazy. Most work 12 hours shifts and I am not even sure what benefits Premier Cabs gives them for that!

Have your ears ever held you back from doing something you wanted to do? If so, what? When I was really young, I once got stuck in the door to Nick's while trying to buy some Toffee Apples, a pack of Fags and a Bubbalo Bill. But Nick showed me how to get through by walking in sideways, and I've never had a problem since.

Who do you feel is our team's Kimmy Gibbler? Be honest.

Does the annoying little poof from the navy count? What's his name.... Rossi. Yeah, he's the most annoying, Kimmy Gibbler-like Parrot.

ED: Nah, we'll let that one count.

Will you be buying the "AB-crunch-roller-king By George"?

I've heard that if you're one of the first 50 buyers, you get a free personal session with George where he shows us how to hit on 20 girls in 20 seconds at the Hillside, how to covince a bouncer to throw you out of the Mogah before Neigbours has even finished, and how to sweet talk chicks with an "eh meh" every two seconds in conversation. Considering it also comes with George's guide to achieving wash-board abba dabbas, I think I'll have to at least buy one for Piggy... that "Biggest Loser" shit is just too gay, and we've already got one Dowd.

What do you think of this totally awesome blog?

It's totally awesome!

You are stuck on a deserted island with Edge, Juice, Cottee and Richard Hatch. Who do you eat first? Who do you roundhouse kick first? What do you think Bear Grylls would do?

I'd eat Juice first, because of the dietary supplements available in his awesomely JUICEY body. Besides, Cottee would probably be working 26 hour days, and wouldn't be around much, so it'd be mean to take what little time he has away from spending it with his Committment Puppy. I don't watch what I'm assuming is crap reality TV, so I don't know shit about Richard Hatch and Bear Grylls.

ED: I think you and Richard Hatch would get along quite well....

Who's this "Edge" guy?

I think I saw him at one game, but he kept calling himself "Reg". As much as he tried, I don't think it's going to catch on.

ED: Yeah, why would you wanna shake such an awesome name anyway??? There was even a guy on Australia's best teen drama ever "Blue Water High" called Edge.

You're at home alone and you hear the doorbell ring. It's Jennifer Lopez in lingerie, but wait. What's that? A knock at the back door! It's Kirstie Alley nude. What do you do? Go.

I've never turned down some back-door action, and I don't intend to start now.

ED: NO! Never ever Kirstie Alley. Maybe a plump Carrie Fisher but never ever a Kirstie Alley! BAD COOL! VERY BAD!

Ted Danson has written you a letter. He wants to be your friend. Woody Harrelson has sent a court order, informing you that you must stay at least 100m from him at all times. Which letter to you throw away and which do you obey?

I probably wouldn't see Ted Danson's because it would be in the huge pile of letters from people who want to be my friend. I'd tell Woody that he's just jealous cause I'm half-black (well, poo brown, at least) which means I can jump higher than him. I'd also remind him that Coach was a better bartender than Woody, just to rub it in a bit.

Home & Away is on television. You have to watch it and it isn't an episode with the lezo action in it. You can either sit their and watch it or attend Australian Idol auditions. Which do you choose?

The world needs more YMCA performances. It doesn't need encouragement of shit acting.

ED: Question not thought through well enough. Idol also gave us Guy Sebastian, Casey Donovan and Geoff's inlfated opinion of himself that he could actually quit his hard labour life and become a classically trained singer to rival Susan Boyle. They'd then fall in love and be the older fatter version of Miley Cyrus and a Jonas Bro. No good can come of that! Sit there, watch the non-lezo episode and figure out if you rooted the hot cop at the diner, would Ada Nicadamamaamamamado bring you a post coital milkshake.

When is the only time you should wait 1 month to have sex?

Depends on who you ask... I asked Dowd and he said "until he's had the operation in Thailand", I asked Werner, and he said "until Caren's asleep and Rens has a new bed".

ED: When your girlfriend is 17 years 11 months old, is also an acceptable answer.

Darryl Somers calls and wants you to tape a new variety television show. Do you go?

Not unless he's starring in "when midgets attack", featuring an all-in-rumble with Rove, Tim Bailey and Grant Denyer. I reckon Darryl will lay some smack-down on the other midgets... Juice Style!

What do you say to the rumours that Rhonda Birchmore used Nick Deluca as a walking stick? Makes sense. I heard she also used Hutcho to learn some awesome new footloose-esque dance moves.

Has Geoff ever touched you? Ya know, down there.... Did you mind?

I don't kiss and tell... but I also don't get violated and keep it to myself - he totally took advantage of me. Kinda weird though, he kept calling me Hayden, and asked if I knew how to perform a "double-header".

ED: You too! I'm not alone?

Thanks for your time Cool. It's much appreciated.

The Greatest Non-dual Olympian Ever. EVER!!!!

2009-06-12T14:22:00.002+10:00

Andrew Reynolds is probably the greatest non-dual Olympian ever. EVER! Why? His awesome skills! Which skills? Let's find out!

Skill no. 1: Yo-yo. What's that you say? Can he rock the cradle? Bitch please. He can do shoot the rocket and the dog bite.

Skill no. 2: Captain ball. Ever captained a captain ball squad while still making the tunnel ball team? He has!

Skill no. 3: Hopscotch. What do you mean nobody has ever made it through while missing 6 & 7? Of course he has and he picked up the jacks at home. Boi, you better step correct if you wanna hopscotch!

Skill no. 4: Juggling. No it's not magic, it's a skill and one that kills!

Skill no. 5: Holding my breath underwater. It's as close to drowning as your body's instincts will allow so the chick's no it's dangerous. Clocked 37 seconds last summer. What up?

Dr Carl's Diagnosis

2009-06-12T09:57:00.003+10:00

After quite some deliberation and research we have some shocking news from Dr Carl regarding Nick Deluca.

Dr Carl

Nick & his various hairstyles

Dr Carl has personally informed me that Nick Deluca is suffering from the worst case of Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome or KGS ever recorded. Read my post below if you unaware of KGS and its horrible symptoms.

Nick Deluca is a Self-centred Arsehole

2009-06-12T09:42:00.003+10:00

From Prick Deluca:

AB,

After our 2 games on the weekend I have lost count of the individual goal scoring tally for this season, since you are so well connected with all the facts of the team can you please post this on your blog?

Kind Regards,Nick

Well arsehole, the goal tally as I am sure your Oompa Loompa looking arse damn well knows is as follows:

Golden Boot Race:

Nick Deluca - 2
Brendan Dowd - 2
Johnny English - 1
Hutcho - 1
Adam Delpopolo - 1

Other great questions in history similar to Nick Deluca's:

W. Churchill -"Dear Mr Hitler, just writing to confirm to see if you know who won the 2nd World War aka the second time your country has tried to conquer the world and was thwarted by our great empire"
Hayden - "Geoff, were you trying to pick up that girl that I just had relations with?"
Frank Lampard - "Dear Mr Cahill, do you know who scored the winning goal the other day. I can't remember for the life of me after all this champagne and caviar"
Frankie - "Excuse me Miss, could you please inform me of who the greatest love maker in the history of the world is?"
Rove - "Dear Television Watching Public, what is the worst show ever?"
Blogger - "Dear Awesome Jesus, who is the best blogger ever?"
Graham - "Have you seen my baseball?"
Graham - "I boke my back...."
Graham - "Angel dust....."
Deluca - "Am I an arsehole?"
Everyone else - "YES!!!"

Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome

2009-06-12T08:40:00.007+10:00

When I was younger I used to put everything to the context of Full House. Lately I have found myself falling into the same old trap as Full House is the great metaphor for life. There are the good, bad, annoying, complicated, simple and love. I myself used to love coming home as a the Young Blogger from being out writing and publishing my own fan-zine of my favourite local basketball team, The Hills Hornets. Delmas Green was a hero (still is!) and sit down in front of the television with some fish and chips to watch the latest episode of everyone's favourite family sitcom (behind Family Ties).

I had a crush on Stephanie Tanner and couldn't wait to hear her use her catch phrase on our wedding night when I would give her the old Dutch oven only to hear that heavanly voice belt out the ever funny, "How rude!". We'd go and visit Danny Tanner on the set of Good Morning San Francisco then I would have a prolonged affair with Becky. Uncle Jesse would be screaming "have mercy!" if he had any idea what we were doing. Ahh..... but that was fantasy and this is real life. I more or less married Roseanne and have a similar figure to John Goodman. That's what I call having a case of the Kimmy Gibblers or Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome. It's something inexplicably shit, annoying and frustrating all rolled into one. Sure the fact my wife and I have sex but at the risk of sounding ungrateful, the effort involved in getting there may not seem worth it. Dry swallowing 2 Nurofen, inserting a rubber pump into my "inflation zone" in my groin and then choking down a viagra whilst fantasising about a topless Jennifer Anniston has killed the romance. Total Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome!

When I think about the Parrots, I don't think of a situation where we as team have Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome or KGS for short, it is more a less a team mate that I think resembles Kimmy Gibbler. Not in looks otherwise we'd prolly hog tie them and throw them to Tony Zappia for a good old fashioned beat down, but I mean in terms of attitude, annoyingness or my new favourite word "shitstainededness". In this team you may think one player is a total Kimmy Gibbler while Geoff may wanna Stephanie Tanner them while Frankie may be a DJ Tanner style guy (older, more experienced and with looser moral standards) but it all comes back to the fact that they are probably just an Uncle Joey. Awkwardly unfunny, Canadian with no real discernible value. Hats off to the Unle Joeys of this team, you remain annoying but some how relevant with your "Cut. It. Out!" catch phrases, sterile haircuts and horrible dress sense but you don't drift into the world of Kimmy Gibbler and for this we applaud you. It takes effort to be that close to KGS without fully taking on the persona of that one bit of shit you forget to whip which ends up all over your white jockeys, just before you settle down to make out with your latest date who resembles a less feminine version of Samantha Ronson.

We all know who the Kimmy Gibblers are in this team and to them, I'm glad your not Stephanie Tanner because the chemistry between could tear apart the universe.

P.S. Dowd, don't think for a minute you are Uncle Jesse. That is such an Uncle Joey think to do.

P.P.S. Yes Hutcho, your physical resemblance to Danny Tanner is amazing but not as amazing as the distance you'd have to cover to be half the man Bob Saget is.

P.P.P.S. It's ok to wanna do DJ Tanner aka Frank. Happens to the best of us.

P.P.P.P.S. Devil's 3-way with Gibbler is not an option. If you were on a deserted island with Megan Fox, you'd kill yourself from the shame of rooting a girl that is almost a dude, with another dude there. Way too many dudes!

P.P.P.P.P.S. Michelle Tanner was kinda a cute baby but a fucking annoying toddler. Nick Deluca anybody?

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Sorry Mr Cool, you probably don't get any of this. You may now continue watching reruns of The Kumars at No. 42 and be frighteningly amazed at how close to your life, that show is. I agree, it is like looking in a mirror....

Honorary Parrot

2009-06-10T11:46:00.002+10:00

To be inducted as an Honorary Parrot you must have a poem written about you. Here is mine about Geoff. Nominations are open for the next Honorary Parrot. Suggestions have been Jeremy Evans, Andrew Baxter and John Kwan.

G is for Geoffrey your angelic first name,
E is for Excellent, your grading in the love game,
O is for O-face, like you give to Hayden,
F is for Fighting like Mortal Kombat's Raiden
F is for Fuckwit, you know you are sometimes,
R is for Rooting girls with big waistlines,
E is the Exciting lots of the Girls,
Y is the Yes, you are the worst coach in the World.

Won't be at training?

2009-06-10T10:47:00.002+10:00

Jewbacca won't be at training cos he has a function. Who knew the Rebel Alliance encouraged Line Dancing at Crows Nest Community Centre?????? 2...3...4..... banjo solo......
"Arrrrggggghhhhh"

"What's that Jewbacca? Lando Cozzarin is coming to save me from Werner The Hutt?"

I've turned to religion for comfort.

2009-06-09T11:16:00.002+10:00

After yesterday's loss I am still quite sad. At these points in mine and Mrs Blogger's life we like to turn to religion and as such, I'd like to shared with you my prayer from last night. Just before I went to bed. Maybe you could say it too and hopefully it can get the boys back to where they need to be.

Dear Jesus,

You're so frickin sweet and I know today's loss was a test. When I think of you I think of Arthur Fonzarelli meets Vinnie Barbarino meets a frickin sweet dude. Maybe we'll never know why you let us lose yesterday but I know it was for the right reasons. I know how much you like riding unicorns and motor bikes so I drew you two drawings. Hopefully you and God can put them on the fridge.

I didn't colour them in because I thought you might like to do that. I was gonna draw the motorbike doing a wheelie but I didn't know if you liked doing wheelies or jumps better. I like wheelies. My friend Graham has a motorbike but I bet he wishes he could have a turn on your unicorn.

Jesus, you know you are a sweet dude and I was wondering if I could take back something I said last week. When I was praying to you, I asked for a BMX bike for Christmas this year. I was wondering if I could change it to either the Parrots winning the Grand Final or giving Graham a ride on your unicorn. Whichever one you choose is cool with me but it would be really sweet if Graham got to ride a unicorn to the Grand Final!

Anyway Jesus, you're probably busy with other stuff like listening to Lady Gaga or drawing dragons, oh my God (no offense) how good are dragons? I like red ones!!!! Please be good to me at Christmas, my brother got a scooter last year and I know it was cos of you. If the Parrots win heaps this year I'll only expect a new Nintendo DS game.

Bye Jesus, thanks for listening.

P.S. I think Frank's an angel. Is he?

P.P.S. Bet you wish you could take back Rove now! LOL. JK. But seriously, LOL!

P.P.P.S. Tell your dad I said hi!

Amen.

Sugar with the spice, a little bit of sweetness with the sting

2009-06-08T19:08:00.002+10:00

I should have posted twice, one for each game. That's the problem with double headers, eventually the games bleed into one game of soccer and I am at loss to sepearte them. I enjoyed being out for the weekend seeing the boys play twice but cringed at the result.

So.... Game 1 at Thornleigh was good. Great even. Again some efforts were great and some were disappointing. I won't name names but we could've really put a few more on them and the 2-1 scoreline doesn't do justice to how some of the guys played but then again it is flattering to a few of the slackers involved.

Everyone will end up talking about the game winner and less people talking about Dowd's 2 metre strike. It beat the keeper, was never gonna miss and just great positioning on his part. That was great til we let in a goal. It was just brain fart city that let the player past and he scored. It was crap but hey, it did the job for those fwits and the scopres remained level until there was 9 minutes to go. The boys or some of them were playing some really inspired football. Some attacking runs from midfield went unrewarded due to stray balls or in the most disappointing situations, non-existent balls.

It took one of the classiest strikes of the year to break the deadlock and it was beautiful. Reynolds was sitting about 20 yards out and summed up the situation with a breath then delivered the ball to the top right. The ball struck the bar and was knocked down across the line. The ref didn't blow the whistle but Rens was screaming "goal" like a retard and already walking back to halfway. Deluca then ran to the bouncing ball and walked it into the net. For some reason the goal was awarded to him and the game continued.

The last 9 minutes were tense and some solid defense saw the boys through and it was good enough for the second game of the season.

Today was shit. There were some good performances from some of the boys but the West Pennant Hills team were too good, slaming us 5-0. See I don't mind the odd game where we look off or when a couple of the boys don't put in 110% but when we do it front of the fans, I get upset. I especially get upset when Australia's greatest actor is out there watching us because he is a fan of our operation and what achieve. I get embarassed to think that he gives up his time to come and support his number one team and we turn in a performance that is laskluster at best. I wish he would've been there on Saturday to see Reynolds' strike so he can witness the beauty that we can achieve.

Maybe you're happy to read that the most promising actor from our great land witnessed his team cop a 5-0 hammering in Sydney Confidential but I certainly don't want to hear from Ros Reines that I'll never see Andrew Telford grace our screens again because he was so distraught about staying in Australia from his team turning out a performance not fit for our number ticket holder. That's right, I'm not the number one ticket holder, he is!

Hopefully we can get over this form slump. I'm not angry at you guys......just disappointed!

P.S. Deluca's injury could be worse than expected. His Gynecologist at first thought he'd flushed out all the sand but has discovered that he ripped his skirt as well. Now when he goes out to play bingo with Ethel, he'll have to wear slacks and a blouse.

P.P.S. Anyone see Werner and Rens collide? It was like two Hippo's bathing. DISGUSTING!

P.P.P.S. Biggest loss ever was Frank. I am sure the boys didn't even wanna play after that.

Controvesy!

2009-06-08T18:43:00.002+10:00

Graham weighs in on the Deluca vs Reynolds goal debate!

Werner Supports Rens from Andrew Reynolds on Vimeo.

Thanks to Rens for providing video evidence to further his cause.

I call this one.....

2009-06-05T11:46:00.003+10:00

What a lot of people don't know about me is that I am an artist. A photographer to be precise and I've been doing some work with larger nosed models. I call this one...... "Juice with Mo"

For those who missed it

2009-06-05T11:43:00.001+10:00

Carrot with a dong is pictured in the post named Guten Morgen. I repeat, I have posted a picture of a carrot with a dong.

State of the Nation/Origin

2009-06-05T11:20:00.002+10:00

Ever since Wednesday night I have been inundated with emails about State of Origin. Was it a try? Were we robbed? Should being Jarryd Hayne be a capital offence?

I sat there with Mrs Blogger and the Blogettes. Each with hot chocolate in hand, a marshmallow lazily floating on top as the blue hair from their wigs littered the ground around them. We were all enraptured with the game and first blood was awesome. 2-0 up and we were cruising! I reminded everyone how Queensland won a game in the mid-90's by the thrilling score of 2-0. I thought we were home and hosed.

As Jarryd Hayne danced down the sideline, I couldn't wait to get to work the next day and take 20 bucks off of Davo who had unwisely backed the cane toad fuckers. Then it struck.... Everything that is wrong with football robbed us of the match!

It should have been awarded a try. Yes, I hold the same opinion as everyone else. I can see his foot is on the line but it should still be a try. Failed logic you say? Well Gus Gould agrees with me! We both think that even though he blatantly steps on the line, a clear breach of the rules and the current video referee confirms this decision, but he still should of awarded it. You see, when you are a talentless buthole from Parramatta Eels, the retarded media or a mentally deficient NSW Blues supporter, like me, we think that the rules can be thrown out the window at our whim so we can win games! Just because we first practised love making with the family pet does not make our opinions any less valid.... Actually, maybe it does... I digress, Gus and I agree. He was out as stated in the rules, adjudicated as allowed for in the rules but we still think it's a try. See, we are Rugby League visionaries and the people in the administration of the game are holding us back. Should've been a try.....

P.S. To refute the question of Jarryd Hayne's forward pass. The right call was made. Yes the ball exited his hands in a forward manner, yes the ball then continued on a path in front of the passing player to a team member but it was all in the spirit of the game. I am sure Gus would agree that rules are loose guidelines which we can just bend to make sure the game is played in the interest of the NSW Blues. Rules aren't there to be used as a stringent set of by-laws which we apply to the game to ensure a fair and balanced contest with no side gaining a discernible advantage through exploitation or breaching of the aforementioned rules. We're just meant to do it in the spirit...... We've out-origined ourselves on this one!

P.P.S. Jarryd Hayne is a fuckwit.

P.P.P.S. Green boots... Seriously? The part of the brain that chooses football footwear is affected if the player has ever attempted to fuck a jug. It's called Jug-Fuckers Syndrome or Graham Werner Displacia.

Guten Morgen

2009-06-04T11:24:00.004+10:00

I have been thinking a lot about this season as we have seen so little of it. It's almost as if it is suffering from a hairline fracture of the awesome bone. Opening of knowledge baskets aside, I just want to emphasise what a cruel bitch mother nature has been. She has been awesome before, like blowing that faint gust of wind behind Hutcho's kick so it just sailed over the keepers head or the time it cruelly punished Werns for scoring 14 own goals in a season by presenting his skid marked undies on some fresh powder at the snow fields, the resultant picture looking like a sick reversed version of Cadbury Top Deck.

My main beef with Mother Nature is this, she has created some awesome stuff before.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Why, oh why would the force that created a carrot with a dong force this much wet weather on us???? Oh cruel bitch, have mercy on us all and grant us some rain free soccer!

P.S. I've been thinking about who next to induct into my fuckwit hall of fame. Sure, Karl Stevanovic is a good choice but can he follow up Rove's induction? Probably not. Geoff isn't a big enough of a name so I thought of someone else. Patricia Heaton. Who is that you say? It is Ray Barone's wife from the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. Yes she is on my list of top 50 over 50 I wanna 69 but still, being an idiot gets her on the shortlist for fuckwit hall of fame. Maybe it's her pro-life stance which is ultimately pro-death based on her opinion of embryonic stem cell research, maybe it is her association with Kelsey Grammer or maybe, just maybe it's because she is a moron. The Blogger hates morons. The Blogger hates Kelsey Grammer. The Blogger hates a lot of things but he especially hates ill informed retards who believe because they have the talent to remember lines from a page and recite them in front of a camera, they have the right to forgo all knowledge, fact and reason and form fucked up opinions which shall be inflicted upon anyone who will listen. Shame on you Patricia Heaton, shame on you!

P.P.S. I fucking love Betty White! I want to meet her and give her a hug.

If I.....

2009-06-03T15:08:00.002+10:00

Last night I was playing little game with Mrs Blogger called "If I...". It's quite simple, you just follow up "If I" with shit you'd like to have or do. I wanna play it in a Parrot themed way so here it comes.

If I were a millionaire I'd sign Jeremy Evans to an exclusive contract to the Parrots so I'd never have to go this long without seeing him ever again!

If I were a doctor I'd fix Baxter's knees and back so he could return for the Parrots.

If I had a television program called Biggest Loser, I'd strap Werns to a treadmill untill he dropped below 150 kilos or 5% butter.

If I could invest in any new revolutionary exercise equipment designed in the Hills District I would put all my money into the "ab-crunch-roller-king by George" or whatever the fuck it's called.

If I were a detective I would find out why Edge suddenly wants us to call him Reg. It's annoying and really childish.

If I were bad at blogging..... hahahaha, as if that would ever happen!

If I were hypothetically attracted to any player in a homosexual nature it would be Frank.

If I were a lesbian, I'd probably hit on Hutcho until he told me he is in fact a male and not a member of the Degeneres family.

If I were Indian, I could probably score my friends sweet deals on naan ovens unlike some......

If I were Jewish, I might understand Dowdstein a little better and then use it against him to break into his secret safe and steal all his gold and precious stones.

If I were Daniel Fairclough, I'd probably by a Dido CD and listen to it in the dark with a solitary burgandy candle lighting my face as i sang along.

If I watched Lost I'd probably think it was awesome but know in my heart of hearts that it is the single worst television show to feature a fat guy, lezo and polar bear.

If I were on Lost, I'd feed the fat guy to the polar bear and hang out with the lezo.

If I were The Juice I'd be happy that everybody had finally caught on and was calling me The Juice.

If I bought a commitment dog I wouldn't tell anyone about it or let my girlfriend post pictures of me and it on facebook.

If I were a Korean immigrant, destined to play soccer with the Parrots, I would take offense at some Kraut eroticising over 2 of my favourite players.

If I were George, I too would not stop checking myself eh meh, out.

If I were Geoff, I would probably try to stop checking George out.

If I were Hayden, I'd get out of Geoff's bed. It's almost 3:30pm!

Spotto!

2009-06-03T15:05:00.002+10:00

Deluca and the Juice, just hanging out......

NEW EMAIL! I just received this email.

2009-06-03T09:55:00.003+10:00

I received this email this morning. Don't know this cat but sounds excellent! He even included a photo. I have posted the email in it's entirety with no editing or touch ups from me.

Dear Herr Blogger

My name ist Klaus von Weiner Muncher. I come from ze great state of Bavaria in beautiful Germany. I have been great admirer of Parrots Soccer for a long time and found your blog on accident whilst searching for literature on ze internet. Ze literature in question is a book describing ze journey of podophila sperm entitled ‘From Balls to Feet’. I am interested in such literature as I myself, Klaus von Weiner Muncher, am a foot fetish man. How coincindental zat whilst looking for sexyness I find my favourite Australian Soccer team. Zat is humerous, ja?

My favourite player ist ze little fat boy with ze green shoes. He looks like he has eaten lots of sausage in his life, ja? I wonder if he will come to my house for sausage sizzle? I provide ze sizzle if he provide ze sausage. He also gets called dick head - I would like to have his dick in my head if you understand my imperfect English. My second favourite ist ze midfielder with ze blue shoes. He reminds me of a young Rudi Voller in the way the he plays (picture attached). People say his name as Wrens. Zat is because he looks like many birds? Birds are beautiful creatures and he is beautiful man, zerefore his name ist Wrens. I understand ze Australian humour now, ja? How I love to spend 90 minutes on weekend standing in ze trees having self sexual pleasure watching ze two boys. I yearn to one day run on field and crash tackle one of zem. I zen peel back ze boy’s shoes and socks to uncover ze beautiful, sweaty, hairy skin beneath. I would zen lap up ze sweaty goodness, scraping filth from behind toe nails with my buck teeth. That would be audacious sexy move, ja? I am nervous about such approach, but ze fat boy may welcome ze attention.

Mr Blogger, your expert description of ze games and performances has been super. I will lend my opinion to your analysis through future emails. My Germanic heritage means I am tactically astute, ruthlessly efficient and good at invading countries zat are not islands.

Regards Klaus

p.s. ze boy named Geoff looks like a kind boy, but he has boyfriend Hayden, ja?

From the desk of F Cozzarin

2009-06-03T09:26:00.002+10:00

Dear World,

I just thought I would let you know that I am awesome.

Thank you for being you and allowing me to walk about all day being awesome. Sometimes I don't think people realise how awesome it is being awesome but then I remind them who I am and they reluctantly open up their knowledge baskets.

Take my team for example (and believe me, it's my team!), the guys there are ok. Sure there are some dickheads but sometimes they get down. I was talking to Craig and he was upset that his ballet show or whatever it was had just finished. I couldn't understand why he was upset because my awesomeness was getting in the way. I'd only be upset if the role forced me to drink Tequila and nail hot chicks. I think that leaving that would force me to cry.

Oh wait.... Text message..... It's your mum saying she wants me to nail her! Boom! Smell that? It's you getting burnt! Zing!

Anyways world, I was also being awesome the other day when I got a call from Daniel Fairclough. He has body issues and I can understand that. We were talking about the new Kings of Leon CD..... Hmmm... I can't remember anymore cos I tend to zone out when boring things come up in conversation. Like the time I was hanging out with Edge and Pricey when The Juice started banging on about quiches. We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes. I drifted off and started thinking about the time I nailed Farrah Fawcett and Suzanne Somers. Word to the wise, thigh masters gets the Frank tick of approval! Ahh....

Ok world, thanks for listening and showing me how awesome I can be. We'll talk again soon, I'm getting bored and starting to think about the tryst I had with Olsen twins. Don't worry it was legal.... Well they were legal. The shit we did is illegal everywhere except a small African nation where a Gazelle is actually the President. True story, I nailed a chick from the senate.

Peace out world.

Frank.

Piggy in the Middle

2009-06-03T08:55:00.002+10:00

*Knock knock*

The rap at the door woke Graham from his slumber. His white surf brand polo shirt showed the scars from the night before. Mustard stains coloured the neck and chest area. He lifted the shirt to scratch his side, flashing perfect bruising around the kidney area.

*Knock knock*

The person at the door was growing impatient as Graham rolled from side to side in an effort to gain enough momentum to rise from his bed. It wasn't a water bed or mattress that wpuld naturally allow you to sink into, just his Darryl Brohman-esque figure made sure he was implanted some 6 inches below the lip of the bed.

*Knock knock*

"I'm coming" wailed the now rocking Graham. Cogniscent of the fact that girl scouts don't wait forever to pawn off their cheap tasting, incredibly over priced cookies, Graham was bounding his way to the front door. His kidney bruises feeling every step as the fat around his mid section rippled like a lava lamp.

*Kno-*

Only half a knock this time as Graham swung the door open, at the same time blurting out "2 boxes of the choc chip, one hazlenut and a macadamia surp-" stopping half way as he was greeted not by a girl scout but by a man with extremely large ears. A clear bottle clenched in his right hand, empty packets of confectionary in the left.

"I'm so sorry!" Said the funny looking Indian man. "What is that taste in my mouth?" He questioned, in a way that a fellow Indian male might say in a comical manner destined for television advertisement for a low carb beer. The label of his bottle now revealed itself as once containing 750ml of Schnapps.

"You prick!" were the first words from the fat kids lips. "I've been pissing blood all night". Sure enough, Graham had been visiting the toilet every hour or so throughout the night to urinate a scarlet red. The realisation on Graham's round face was haunting as his mind caught up with Mr Cool's apology. The bottle of schnapps he had given to Cool as an early birthday present was consumed over the course of the night with the big ears growing as red as Graham's urine would eventually run. His wry smile slowly shifted to a devilish grin and he began punching people in the kidneys. The 10 packets of Wizz Fizz did nought to quell his appetite for inflicting pain and at the end of the night the victims lay motionless only clutching at there sides every hour or so.

Graham staggered to find his couch and broke down in tears. Half happy that he now held the world record for hot dog consumption in a 24 hour period and half shattered that the bottle of schnapps had forsaken him, only fuelling the big-eared Indian prick's run of destruction. Peace was eventually restored at about 3am when an amubulance came and Mr Cool had worn himself out by showing everyone how many roundhouse kicks he can do in 15 minutes. It's 112 in case you are wondering.

Every now and then I look back and think, maybe I'll get him some schnapps this year. Graham always prevents me. When I study his obtuse torso, I take thanks that I am not so girthy. My rippling abs define my persona and my rooting skills. I then take stock of the situation and tell myself, "Eh meh, I'm George and I can do whoever or whatever I like!". This year I am buying Mr Cool a case of schnapps, a bucket of Wizz Fizz and a helmet cam. The poster of Kevin Costner in my bedroom tells me to build it and they will come. I plan on building the shit out of it. This year McGraths Hill. Next year Cannes.

The first time....

2009-06-01T19:04:00.004+10:00

His bulbus head lifted out of the white Hilux ute he had arrived at the ground in. The girth of his eyebrows seemingly providing a lower boundry for his pronounced forehead as they danced and intertwined millimetres above the bridge of his nose. Nostrils flaring he hobbled with an elderly person's gait to the mountain of bags, cigarette clenched in right hand, balls cupped in his left palm. It was the debut of Geoffery Werner as a coach and although football didn't know it yet, it's course was set to change forever....

Nick Deluca laces his boots in a criss cross fashion, eyelets dancing in the early afternoon sun to the song falling from his lips directed at the man he considers his closest and most revered friend, "Hey Rens, ready for the season. I reckon Geoff's gonna be an arsehole". Reynolds replies in a quickfire tone, loaded with wit in almost Wildean prose, "You're a season. Snap!". Nick fondles for a response but realises his best friend has just served him up with some cooking straight from 'You got served' kitchen.

"Ahmmm", Geoff clears his throat. His crows feet stretch and wrinkle as he widens his eyes to take in and observe all that lies before him. Like the great Macedonian named Alexander, he feels that he owns all of the known world. Johnny English gazes upon the newborn coach with listless eyes, his soul begging to be vocalised so it can scream 'what the fuck?'.
"Ok guys, Rens you're the best keeper and striker so I am not sure where to put you...."

I don't remember what happened after the that. I blacked out after he actually said the fat ass was competent at 2 positions. I guess what matters is that Geoff isn't here anymore. Yay for progress!

Disturbing new trend!

2009-05-29T09:49:00.004+10:00

Guys, I don't know what is happening at the very core of the team but some have noticed a very disturbing new trend.... MAN BAGS!!!!!!!!!!!

Werns has even been spotted in a piece of female attire. A Miller's Fashion Club 2 piece ensemble.

Sort it out fellas.....

Uh oh.....

2009-05-28T14:25:00.004+10:00

So readers, I was minding my own business when I heard I was in trouble with Mrs Blogger (as usual). See I had mistakenly thought that by buying her a device to enhance our "intimate times", I was doing us a favour and keeping the spark in our relationship. I was wrong.... I have now added this to my list that I will pass down to my Blogger Jr when he is old enough to man a keyboard, as they say. I surveyed a few players to help add to my list and so here is an extract of....

THINGS THAT PISS YOUR GIRL OFF

1. Dildos as presents - you think "great, free dildo shows", she's thinks "this pervert wants to watch me use this"
2. Saying someone elses's name during love-squish time - Sure, you did it right. Candles, fine wine and the dulcet tones of Engelbert Humperdinck but calling out Michelle when the girl wedged firmly between your bedhead, mattress and gimp mask is named Sharon is a sure fire way to get your dick snapped.
3. Disclosing of past deeds - Never mention the menage trois with your old neighbours the Smith twins, never recant the tale of the first time you used a bike tyre, water bottle and jackhammer to make squishee with a cougar and never ever remind her of where she sits on your "Best Roots of All Time List" (We've all got one, Mrs Blogger sits number 53 of 65. Unfortunately, I peaked early)
4. Attempted spelunking - Nothing will kill her eagerness for a bit of afternoon delight quicker than if you little the little parrot knock on the backdoor. Instant castration by many females.
5. Get caught whacking the badger - She won't root you for ages! Hide your porn, don't look at bra catalogues and never ever think you can be ninja enough to rub one out when she's sleeping next to you.

Those are my little nuggets of advice so take heed and keep your woman happy, lest you never see the green, green fields of Glenhaven ever again.

A few of the boys have contributed what has pissed off their past or current partners, so that us males (the Rolls Royce of the genders) can keep the women (the VW Beetle of the genders) semi-content. We all realise that a happy woman is an unattainable fairytale, bred into creation by Hollywood. Happy woman do not occur as a natural phenomenen. They are by definition crabby, suspicisous and deseperate for control. On to the boys for their tips:

Geoff: Rooting someone else generally pisses them off.
Deluca: Apparently bathrooms are not wine production facilities. Who would've thought? Also, don't tell her to go in the front seat of Splash Mountain. Big one!
Edge: Stop calling me Edge, you fuckwit!
Werns: Eating their main, has irritated a few. One of my ex-girlfriends used to order 5 mains so she never really noticed but the other ones have.
George: Eh meh, climaxing when seeing myself doing push ups has turned a few off bro. One, eh meh, one even removed my roof, floor and wall mirrors from the bedroom. Too bad she never found old faithful, Mr Pocket Mirror! Oh yeah!
Mr Cool: Anything you do generally results in a cacophony of squeals, growls and hisses. I just like to hide.
Rens: Eating their birthday cake before anyone puts candles on it or sings to them.
Pricey: When I tell them how much I fucking hate quiches.
Frank: I've never had a woman upset with me. Once I was a ghost so I came back and haunted Demi Moore for a while. She wasn't even pissed just really upset that I wasn't real. Bummer it was pre-Striptease, I really missed the boat on that one.

And there we have it. Keep it secret, keep it safe.

Werns?

2009-05-26T09:47:00.001+10:00

What were you doin on The Price Is Right mate? Why are you pushing the old lady?

My true identity....

2009-05-26T08:56:00.001+10:00

It's me Clare the bogan. Chk chk boom!

Have you heard the word?

2009-05-25T15:50:00.000+10:00

Around the grounds....

2009-05-25T14:17:00.002+10:00

So what's new with the boys this week:

Dowd: Starts his first line dancing class tonight atCrows Nest Community Centre. Not sure if he'll wear leather spats or jodpurs.

Mr Cool: Starting a cab company. Wants to call it Bollywood Cabs. Getting sued by Premier Cabs for trademark infringement as they already own that name.

Deluca: Went to Australia's Wonderland to see if he could finally ride the Space Probe because he bought some really high shoes so he made the height requirement. I just told him they shut that place down years ago. Last seen heading for El Caballo Blanco.

Hutcho: Someone saw him hosting his own talk show this week. Could've just been Ellen.

Werns: Prolly still at Yum Cha from Saturday.

Frank The Tank: After teaching Springsteen some songwriting lessons, he has Jerry Seinfeld scedule for stand up lessons, a double 'How not to be a fuckhead' lesson with Jarryd Hayne & Rove into his very own adult film. "Beans & Frank".

Pricey: Jawboning Roselea. Pointing at enemies. Being The Juice! Aka Tough Juice. Aka Just Juice.

Edge: Trying to convince everyone to call him Reg. Prolly won't stick.

Fairy: Trying to convince everyone to message Deluca something at the exact same time. I'm doin it, you should too!

Knuckles: Clenching fist, swinging wildly, smiling.

Rens: Tryng to get everyone to look at him.

Cottee: Playing with Commitment the Dog.

Ottley: Trying to graft out a position in the team that isn't associated with his sister. Really trying to get everyone to know Nathan as Nathan and not as Danielle's younger sister.

English: Can't wait to surprise everyone with the fact he's not English but in fact Lithuanian. Really wants to rub it in to immigration.

Unit: Having given up on the Celtics, Red Sox and Liverpool he looks to find supporter success in backing Everton. Unlikely.....

Pops: Embracing the fact he is Adam The People.

Leaving out those that are forgettable.

Interview with George

2009-05-25T13:45:00.003+10:00

George. Great player, great abs, great guy, not great at staying in venues past 10:00pm.

How's he been? What's he been up to? Where can you find him? I have secured an exlusive interview

George, 1st on left with his former bandmates in East 17

BallsToFeet: So George, how is the leg?
George: Eh meh, not too good hey bro.
BTF: When did you know it was fucked?
G: Well, I was lying on the ground and then it just hit me so I just started saying "It's fucked", really loudly. I must have repeated myself like 10 times.
BTF: And you're not even a doctor.
G: Nah, bro. Told a chick I was once but she remembered me from an East 17 music video.
BTF: Get the fuck out! How is recovery going?
G: Eh meh, slow. The legs fucked but I've been getting back into muscle shirts and tank tops. I've really been concentrating on my core. Doing all kinds of situps and crunches. The downtime is helping me develop a new piece of equipment called the "ab-crunch-roller-king by George". I hope to have it out at Parklea by June and in Reject Shops nationally by August. It's an audacious plan but having abs like mine, I've come to realise that being beautiful and having a solid workout routine isn't all it's cracked up to be.
BTF: True, I heard Reynolds still goes to the gym at least once a day for weights, that doesn't even include cardio.
G: Rens? Really? He looks like he goes to Krispy Kreme once a day.
BTF: Calm down mate, he's not the one whose boyish good looks prevent him from growing facial hair. What's this I heard about you going to Advance Hair to see if they could help you grow a moustache?
G: No way bro. That was bullshit. I only said it cos Hayden was cutting my grass and I needed to play the "I'm a tortured individual with real problems so throw some panties my way" card.
BTF: Fair call. Is it true that you once toured with Peter Andre.
G: Eh meh, yeah. He came out on the road after I wrote Mysterious Girl for him. I actually wrote it when I was pissed. I was hammered so it must have been 9:23pm at the latest, just before I got kicked out. My mate hooked up with a tranny and didn't know it so I wrote it to take the piss out of him. Sucked in Carl, that shit went gold everywhere and we still remember you hooking up with a girl named Steve!
BTF: Haha, talk about your stuff ups. Should gone and patted down the wicket before facing the first ball.
G: Haha, too funny blog man! Funniest guy ever!
BTF: Thanks. I know. So any chance of a return?
G: Me and the boys have talked about it. With Human Nature in Vegas and Boyzone doing their reunion off the backs of NKOTB's reunion, we figure it's time.
BTF: No George, not an East 17 reunion, a comeback for the parrots.
G: Aww, shit. Probably not this year. Schedule pretty full with the "ab-crunch-roller-king by George" debuting shortly and I am in talks with Revlon for their male mascara range.
BTF: Wow, busy year.
G: Yeah, hope it doesn't cut into my workout time.
BTF: Yeah...... Any famous last words?
G: I love youse all. Eh meh, Kenny Keow can suck my Katsu Chicken.
BTF: Yep, just texted that to Kenny. He says "you funny dickhead man like Karl Stevanovics. Katsu Chicken is Japan not Korea. You racially insensitive pwick. I root you womans and take your position. Kenny wins!"
G: Errrhhhhh.....
BTF: Thanks for your time George, it's been a pleasure. Get well soon.

What I've learnt about Perth....

2009-05-22T16:57:00.004+10:00

Thanks to the continual updates by a certain parrot as he sits across the other side of the country, I've learnt a fair bit about the city, the people and the culture. So get ready cos I am about to hit you with some knowledge....

1. 1993 never happened in Perth - as far as the residents of Perth are concerned, it is still 1992. The success of Nirvana's 1991 album still hangs stagnant in the air as the teen population adorns itself in the crappy black or some psuedo Japenese fashion items best reserved for a dance party in Nimbin.
2. The Fremantle doctor is great when you need a few wickets on the fifth day of a test match but horrible when trying to land.
3. $10 for a pint at a crappy Irish pub that pours possibly the worst Gusiness in the history of the world is completely acceptable.
4. Hanging out at a Hungry Jack's is awesome if you are a 15 year old.
5. No matter what you do, or where you go, it is always hilarious to see lesbians. A homosexual male is often neat, stylish and social. I only see lesbians that look like Shane Warne at the height of weight spike.
6. No sport goes live into Perth on a Friday evening except for the Super 14's semi. Re-runs of King of Queens manage to suffice the entire population. All 14 of them...
7. When you wonder where all the people from your past that seemed slightly retarded went. They went to Perth and fornicated, creating a population of tards. (I did however hear there are the rare normal people)
8. A taxi driver who plays Justin Timberlake's 2006 album FutureSex/LoveSounds loud and on repeat, with a Nike swoosh shaped ear ring and shares the same ancestary as Mr Cool. He'll probably have Jai Ho cranking in 4 or 5 years...
9. Perth is lame.

You've just been hit with some knowledge. Recognise.

A slow week...

2009-05-20T10:40:00.003+10:00

So I have been quiet and no doubt you have all been wondering where I have been. I've been in the blogcave after I obtained a serious injury duelling with my arch nemesis The Poster! Since then Mrs Blogger and the little Blogettes have been helping me on the mend and I can finally sit at a keyboard again. Phew... Feels good. Feels like I have slipped back into something comfortable like a fine piece of lingerie selected for me by Frank. The cool breeze naturally rubs my free falling testicles, nestled deep below a covering of thick hair. The lace presses firmly against my buttocks and the matching sock garter gives it a somewhat professional feel. I feel renewed and if I ever see The Poster again, I will cut him down in a tongue lashing not seen since KD Lang first dove into the world of muff.

Hi Geoff!

I would also like to thank everyone for the photos of Deluca with a 'clutch' (as I am told it is called. Thanks Mr Cool, I always thought you were more of a Samantha but now I can see a lot of Carrie in you, have you been curious of Miranda? Bitch is weird!). They will be on my totally awesome blog shortly as soon as I delete Vista and install XP. Vista is the OS equivalent of a handjob with acid as a lubricant.

Oh, for those of you also wondering. Yes, my screenplay for Dr Karl Kennedy: Sexy Science, has been picked up by ABC. Hopefully I get the licensing rights from Neighbours cos I have a really cool love scene planned out with Toady. It actually introduces his cousin Bonefish you subsequently hits on Susan but then Dr Karl throws down some sexy science to prove how invaluable he is to her. Until! The lezos from Home & Away get it on, then everything heads south when Sky Mangel tries to come back to Ramsay Street by shacking up with Lou "Balls No Longer Blue" Carpenter...... But yeah, its good. Don't wanna give too much away......

What have Nick & Peter Holmes a Court been doing?

2009-05-13T15:02:00.003+10:00

Peter Holmes a Court confirms to a media conference the size of Nick's genitalia. The media pack questioned the air temperature at the time and Holmes a Court responded, "I don't know what the air temperature was but my mouth remains a steady 36.9 degrees celcius. Look it up, it's science".

Off-field Signings

2009-05-13T14:55:00.002+10:00

Hi guys,

Just letting you know that our sister club in the Scottish Premier League, Heart of Midlothian F.C. or The Hearts as they are known, has decided to lend us their current chairman Roman Romanov. Hopefully the board will welcome him with open arms and he can be the final piece of the puzzle joining Andrew Andrews, John Johns, David Davids, Kim Kims and newly appointed Dennis Fitzgerald.

"They'll never guess my parents are a badger and a weasel until it's too late and Baweasels rule the world! Ah ah ah ah ah ah....."

Blogger's top 5

2009-05-12T15:27:00.002+10:00

Top 5 dirty words you might hear at Bunnings that aren't really dirty:

5. Just grease the nipple
4. Just rub the lubricant on it
3. Unhitch the A frame to poke in your shaft
2. And if you get your wife to bend it the other way while you push it in and out, you'll really notice the difference.
1. Fuck, did you see that Rove cockhead at the Logies? Boy, what a wanker. If I'd have known he was gonna be on, I would have taken my 12 year old down the titty bar for some chicken wings and his first root. I have nothing against midgets, but he's the reason people think all short folk are fucking retards. I'd rather sit there and jerk off Mark Holden til he yelled "Touchdown" than see that minsy little rat faced bastard spew forth the regualr unfunny bile that shits out his mouth. What a cock.....