I have been working on my first "in-season" post for about 2.5 weeks now. I was pretty much there and then this came up. It has been brought to my attention that a member of our team laid with a buxom lady. I think that's as gently as I can put it.
"But Blogger, what about the football? I come here to read about football. I do not wish to know about the pitfalls of living within walking distance to a competitive eating star."
Well, in response to your comment, I agree. This does however concern you and I point to mating rituals!!!!!!!!!!!!! This impacts football in a few ways.
1. Absentmindedness - as we are all aware the player in question has blueballs as stated by him repeatedly ad infinitum. How does this correleate? Well we have noticed a distinct drop in ability with regard to the prolonged abstinence from intercourse as highlighted in this graph:
The drop in performance is horrible and could be the reason we have yet to win a game!!!
2. Fatherhood - from the mating rituals we can see that the offending player may have impregnated the championship eater. How do we know this? " Gorillas also mate during pregnancy but once the young one is born there is usually a break in mating activity for a few years. " So the baby may already be born and due to resembling the elephant man. So the satellite has blue balls because he impregnated her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUM DAH DUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. The dominant female - the player may begin to suffer from the dominant 'female' and become henpecked. He has already regaled the team with the story of how seconds was demanded from him. However, when they went to Sizzler he was the only one getting seconds. She was having elevenths.
4. Who is he? - Guess:
"More fries bitch!"
How it happened:
Ballstofeet: So, [name redacted] how did this shit go down?
Parrot Player: We were at Windsor's annual eat like a horse fair and well, she ate a horse. Turns out it was a misread on her part. She was meant to eat 10 pies but she did what she did. Not the first time either. Hear how Rangirangdoo was scratched on the weekend? Well I cried out Rangirangdon't but it was too late and it was only the hooves left. She generally cooks them in a broth of rum and Winfield Reds.
BTF: .............................................................
PP: Yeah..... So she scanned the crowd and I was the nearest male within her approachable distance.
BTF: Approachable distance?
PP: Well, she has a long range manouverability distance of 17.5m without rest breaks and a sprinting distance of 0.64m at a top speed of 1.16 knots.
BTF: That sounds like the stats for a Collins class submarine!
PP: No. Slightly bigger.
BTF: Wow! So what happened next?
PP: She started her mating ritual.
BTF: Which involved?
PP: Burping in my face.
BTF: And?
PP: I don't know. The gas emitted is enough to stun a dromaderry.
BTF: [vomiting] That'll do........... We'll finish this later........
