I Live In A Caravan

"Go back to your caravan." Those words will haunt us all forever.

What does a jellyfish vagina, a snail's snatch and Thornleigh Thunder have in common? They're all a bunch of spineless cunts. With seconds ticking away they decided to commit the most unsportsmanlike act I have ever seen and kick the ball away to ensure the mighty Parrots did not get another possession. The act infuriated the Parrots and they set off launching a tirade of abuse at the team who is famous for living at the arse end of a highway.

Number 8, or Octo-cock as he shall henceforth be known is the most retarded person I have ever seen. The pronounced forehead, slumped shoulders and haircut from a junkyard presented a look reminiscent of Joe Dirt with an extra chromosome. The focus was only taken of him by the fact Number 6, or Numero no-dick, masturbated to a Justin Bieber poster at half time. Due to his lack of male genitals this involved him furiously rubbing the Ken-like bald patch that lay in front of his pelvis. Climax was reached when he douched out Number 4's deposit from the prior night's activities.

I am going back to my caravan. That doesn't have wheels. Is made with bricks. That has running water, electricity and Foxtel. That also cost over half a millie. I guess you cocks can go back to living under the pedestrian bridge near the train station or in your parents cleaned out garage that you call your "apartment". It's cool though cos you can stay up as late as you want and if you have cereal for dinner, nobody can say anything to you. Not even the toothless prostitute lying in your bed. You know, the one you call your girlfriend? Last time I checked girlfriends don't come with an invoice for the $50 wristy you just got and the tear stains of a girl who has seen her life slip by due to her need for some goey to dance at Patrick's all night (til 12am) who pays for her "recreational" drug habit by getting railed by 3 guys for a hundo. Fuck off back to the Maccas you are famous for.

It's me, your favourite ref!

Hi guys. It's me the ref. You might remember me from such games as robbing you of the last game you played where Deluca dribbled the ball from halfway and there was an offside called or perhaps it was the time I gave Rens his 3rd yellow of the season for turning away from me and saying "Gosh darn it." Either way I have some terrible news. I'm in the clink.

Wait a second, not Colonel Klink (aka Unige, yep Klink is simply Eunis with a monocle - did you know the 'monocle' is a sex move where a man finishes in one eye so the recipeient squints?) but gaol. Why I am in gaol. Solicitation. Not cool guys, not cool. While on the outside a turn tricks of the discount variety, being between 10 and 20 dollars, inside I cannot get that kind of cash. I am stuck here maybe giving a wristy for some cigarettes or the world's tiniest crack rock. It's hard for me which is sad because I was usually making it hard at the rate of a tenner for tossing a client's salad. All I can say is I am bummed and not in a good way!

Anyway, I write to tell you that I will not be your ref this weekend but to ask of you a favour. My current financial situation has become dire at best so I am raising funds. I am doing a can drive! Actually it will be done by proxy because I am currently sharing a cell with guy called Steve who likes to use my face as his personal butt pillow. This weekend referees will be collecting tin cans which we will then return to the manufacturers with an exorbetent amount of complaints in hopes of receiving part of the original sale price as a refund. yeah it probably brushes the law but it's cool cos ref's are the policemen of the soccer field so I git me some contacts.

Here are the requirements:-

- No dented or damaged cans
- No cans previously used for any kind of anal play (You should be using Fountain tomato sauce bottles or a Grolsch swing top with the top removed - BELIEVE ME!!!!)
- No cans close to expiration
- No cans of inedible foodstuffs like 'Cauliflower infused Brussel Sproyts' or the like
- Under no circumstances is control of a can collection to be given to Graham Werner or by virtue a representative of Gibbo! I cannot stress this enough!

I hope all is well and you can help me out as I have mounting legal costs and I fear the lease on my new Prius might lapse unless I can get $2.32 together for this week's payment. My partner Augusten and I have a new kitten named Elliot that is struggling without me. I bought her a ball of wool and some Snappy Tom before I left but if someone can change the kitty litter for me that would be sweet! O.K. my time is almost up so I'll say ciao to all you beautiful bumbinos and just letting you know I'm doing a bit better since I got this photo of George and I:

What I've been doing!

What have you guys been up to? Actually don't tell me because I really don't care. What I have been doing is some blog mentoring and my protege has become quite the genius. All you need to do is follow his blog. It's called www.lazertits.com and it is amazing. Here is a preview, check it out some time...

Graham, when did you have a daughter?

I think we all know who the mother is.....

Anyway, your duaghter is really talented. I like the way she can sing a few lines before running out of breath. It's just like you when you exercise!

Now, if you feel like some Vanessa Carlton and like looking at the fat guy from LOST:-

Fuck Blogging, Just Drum