Hi guys. It's me the ref. You might remember me from such games as robbing you of the last game you played where Deluca dribbled the ball from halfway and there was an offside called or perhaps it was the time I gave Rens his 3rd yellow of the season for turning away from me and saying "Gosh darn it." Either way I have some terrible news. I'm in the clink.
Wait a second, not Colonel Klink (aka Unige, yep Klink is simply Eunis with a monocle - did you know the 'monocle' is a sex move where a man finishes in one eye so the recipeient squints?) but gaol. Why I am in gaol. Solicitation. Not cool guys, not cool. While on the outside a turn tricks of the discount variety, being between 10 and 20 dollars, inside I cannot get that kind of cash. I am stuck here maybe giving a wristy for some cigarettes or the world's tiniest crack rock. It's hard for me which is sad because I was usually making it hard at the rate of a tenner for tossing a client's salad. All I can say is I am bummed and not in a good way!
Anyway, I write to tell you that I will not be your ref this weekend but to ask of you a favour. My current financial situation has become dire at best so I am raising funds. I am doing a can drive! Actually it will be done by proxy because I am currently sharing a cell with guy called Steve who likes to use my face as his personal butt pillow. This weekend referees will be collecting tin cans which we will then return to the manufacturers with an exorbetent amount of complaints in hopes of receiving part of the original sale price as a refund. yeah it probably brushes the law but it's cool cos ref's are the policemen of the soccer field so I git me some contacts.
Here are the requirements:-
- No dented or damaged cans
- No cans previously used for any kind of anal play (You should be using Fountain tomato sauce bottles or a Grolsch swing top with the top removed - BELIEVE ME!!!!)
- No cans close to expiration
- No cans of inedible foodstuffs like 'Cauliflower infused Brussel Sproyts' or the like
- Under no circumstances is control of a can collection to be given to Graham Werner or by virtue a representative of Gibbo! I cannot stress this enough!
I hope all is well and you can help me out as I have mounting legal costs and I fear the lease on my new Prius might lapse unless I can get $2.32 together for this week's payment. My partner Augusten and I have a new kitten named Elliot that is struggling without me. I bought her a ball of wool and some Snappy Tom before I left but if someone can change the kitty litter for me that would be sweet! O.K. my time is almost up so I'll say ciao to all you beautiful bumbinos and just letting you know I'm doing a bit better since I got this photo of George and I:
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