Nelson Aspen and I - Look at those eyes! DREAMBOAT!
The Blogger waits patiently outside LAX niteclub in Los Angeles. The large black bouncer, wears a smart black button down shirt with pinstriped slacks and shiny jackboots. Large breasted scantily clad women crawl about the path, desperate for their chance to give Charlie Sheen a BJ. One older woman sees Martin Sheen exit and immediately is all over him. Before she can unbuckle his belt, hired security goons remove her.
Martin: Jesus, I am the President! Now I know how Clinton felt...
Goon No. 1: Wow, this muthf*cka still hasn't gotten over the West Wing (in hushed tones to Goon No. 2)
Goon No. 2: Yeah dawg. Stupid ass cracker!
Goon No. 1: Yeah white people are stupid!
Goon No. 2: Hahaha, did you get that from a Chris Rock DVD?
Older Woman: Tell Emilio I loved him in The Outsiders!
Martin: Who the fuck is Emilio? Is that the guy that irons my delicates in DC?
The bouncer unclips the velvet rope separating me from the red velour and black tiled interior of LAX. Young women throw themselves at middle aged men with 'leverage' in the 'industry'. By leverage, I of course men he is a male secretary for a female mail clerk.
Tart #1: Oh my god! This place is amazing!
Tart #2: I think I just fucked Jackie Chan in the janitor's closet!
Me: Excuse me, but I think that guy is the janitor. It says "Janitor" on the back of his jumpsuit and on the front there is a nametag that reads "Miguel".
Tart #2: So?
Me: Jackie Chan isn't a Mexican janitor.
Tart #3: So who are you? What do you do?
Me: Ummm, I'm kind of a writer...
Nelson Aspen: Lame!
With a flourish of his wrist he dismisses the girls now circling me. Their eyes glow green as the neon lighting picks up their sinister smiles. Each one feeling they have just squandered a chance to make it big by not infecting me with some venereal disease.
NA: So, what brings a pretty young thing like you here?
Me: Well I came here to see you... I think we should talk about this olive branch situation.
NA: Ok, so you wanna spank me with an olive branch.
Me: No, it's about your blog.
NA: My blog? Well it's only the most read counterculture, underground, gay hipster, pirate themed thrash metal jazz fusion based weblog in the West Hollywood area!
Me: huh? But it's about the Parrots.
NA: Ahh, not you again. I just had PETA and the RSPCA here yelling at me for using real Parrots in the "Captain Jacks A-Sparrow shoot". I didn't know Simon Rex had done gay porn and I didn't know that birds could catch herpes. Now any further questions will be answered by my legal team.
Me: No. The Parrots Confidential blog. I offered you an olive branch.
NA: What are you talking about? I'm gonna have to ask Kochie about this one...
Me: Kochie? Don't you mean that fuckwit builder guy from all those Jamie Durie 'let's build a house for retards' shows.
NA: Umm, no. he is a fuckwit but I mean Kochie from Channel 7's Sunrise program. You know, the top rating breakfast program that people make joke's about Fifi's box?
Me: But I thought you were that guy?
NA: Oh my god! You don't mean Richard Reid?
Me: Yeah, you. Richard Reid.
NA: Honey, my name is Nelson Aspen and I am a fucking Hollywood correspondent. I can tell you why Emilio Estevez never won an oscar for 'Champions', I can tell you who dyes george Clooney's pubes and if indeed Lady Gaga has man and boy bits.
Me: Then what the fuck does Richard Reid do?
NA: He buys pillows for lounges that don't come with pillows on tv shows that make you wanna put said pillows over his face until the last inch of life is kicked from his limp, brainless corpse.
Me: But I thought he was you. I thought he was at least that semi-normal gay American on Australian tv.
NA: No way. I'm outta here and tell that Richard Reid, I know he's been taping Patti Newton in the shower. He thinks it's Bert. Whacking off over a woman that you think is a man is pretty much the most embarassing act an interior designer can sink to, especially when Underbelly 2 was littered with scenes of Matthew Newton's arse.
Me: Hahaha. What an idiot!
NA: BTW handsome, Emilio never won an Oscar because he married Paula Abdul. 'Opposites Attract' cost him that statue so don't make that mistake. When you get famous, which celebrity will you marry?
Me: Ita Buttrose!
NA: Fist bump that shit!
Me: Nelson, this place is heaps like The Ivy in Sydney right?
NA: No way! This place is full of cocaine swilling reality television stars. The Ivy is full of fuckwits who wear Ed Hardy shirts. Huge difference! It's the kind of place you'd expect to find Dieter Brummer.
Me: Whoa, that bad. Lucky I've never been. Richard Reid has.
NA: I told you he was an idiot. He'd probably try to give Karl Stevanovic a handjob.
Me: He totally did!
NA: Giving the gays a bad name...
Me: See you later Nelson Aspen. Hollywood correspondent and all round sweet dude. I'm glad you clarified that you are not that retarded bloke of Channel 9 who I shall have to track down in my next adventure.
No comments:
Post a Comment