Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Blogies

As we creep forward to the night of nights and everyone is anticipation playing that wizard game (which I understand is less like a game and more like a one man beer snake competition made from empty tinnies) it is time to announce the award categories for the Blogies! Yes, just like the Logies but with no Darryl Summers *sad face*.

This year awards (hopefully trophies if I can get my mits on some by Saturday night) will be awarded in the following categories:-

- Most Outstanding Performance in a Season Ending Injury

- Most Situps in Minute & Creation of Patented Abdominal Training Device

- Most Work Hours Worked Outside of Normal Working Hours

- The Bronze Blogie - The Bestest Newest Nickname Award - *nominations will remain open until presentation

- The Silver Blogie - Most Stolen Goals & Credit aka Mr Coat Tail Rider

- The Gold Blogie - Blogger's Favourite Subject Matter

If anyone knows where I can get 6 cheap trophies on a quick turnaround, please let me know cos I now have 2 business days to pull together an entire awards how and I'm not Hugh Jackman. Please help! theparrotblogger@gmail.com

I'd also like to take this time to thank anyone who has any involvement in planning this weekend's festivities.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Night of the Parrot!

Guys.... I wish I was coming. I wish that I could be there to eat food from the over priced spit or drink cans of VB's but I cannot... $25 for some burnt meat off a butcher hired spit with salads provided by the bin behind Woolies is too steep and I cannot get Mrs Blogger to part with the cash for that, couple of dolphin chokers full of Australias finest most tasteful beer under $11 a sixer and a pack of Peter Jackson lung fuckers.

I know we all enjoy Parrot night as the night we sit around and eat in gala fashion with speeches and award presentations. It's like the Allan Border medal - Frankston edition. Enjoy your night fellas, my presence will go largely unnoticed thanks to fact I'll be emailing my honour role and presentation speech to Reynolds this year. We've discussed it and because he's been stuffing donuts in his face, he hasn't had the time to write his usual 2 minute thanksgetting speech. Instead I am the brain behind the pen this year and I will only be using fat arse as my communication medium.

Have fun ladies.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Poor Sports "Journalism"

He's at it again... Richard Reid. I've tried to reach out to Richard personally to increase his viewership, I've tried to give him some tough love (unfortunately not the tough love he requested. That tough love involved a 3 metre length of rope, steel spikes, baby wipes, 5 litres of motor oil and some football headgear) through this blog but none of it has worked. He continually goes about reporting based on rumour, sexual inuendo (in-his-endo! ZING!!!) as well as a lack of proper moral & ethical standards (Yes my morals are loose but not as loose as Richard's. He once swallowed a hamburger whole to show off in front of his new lover but unfortunately he forgot about his destroyed rectum and the burger fell out whole...... on the set of Random Acts of Kindness..... NOT COOL!)



The lies that are published in his "blog" (if we can lower ourselves to call an internet gossip column a blog) are an insult to us as members of the reading public. I adore good literature (once waited in line for 3 days for the latest Danielle Steele novel, worth it!) and abhore false or misleading journalistic claims.



I have secured a number of phone interviews in response to P CON's claims.



BallsToFeet: Do you guys really feel hurt by my actions as a blogger and the light in which I portrayed you?



Deluca: No, not at all. I think it's a fair representation of who we are and the roles which we play in the team. It made my skin crawl to be represented like that. There has been no legal action against BTF, which is probably the premier sports blog in the country.



Mr Cool: From a viewership standpoint, I can see what he (Richard Reid) is trying to do. It's a tough market with exceptional competition... Oh golly gosh, my Rhogan Josh is burning...



Dowd: I feel great just to be counted in with these guys and be mentioned by the greatest sports journalist since Ian "The Bear" Maurice. Sometimes I think about how us Jews have had it hard. We've put up with a lot of shit but now we have people to look up to. As long as I am mentioned in the press then it's good exposure for us. I was talking to that one Jewish guy in Mad Men and we were talking about how BTF has contributed more to the Jewish community in this last season than any self deprecating Jewish comedian has done in the last 6-years. BTF humanises us and makes people realise that as Jews, we are part human.



Werns: Wow, I can't believe the lies that have spurted forth from that degenerate. I love BTF and the light I am shown in. As an intellectual I look at what he does to me and I piss myself. I have always considered myself as a great user of the Queen's English so when I see myself portrayed as someone who can barely speak, it's polarising for people. BTF and I get the joke and that's all the matters. I'm not some retarded jackass who wipes my arse with one hand and types with the other, like Richard Reid. Richard Reid is an anangram for rider chadri and I think that suits him fine. Chadri obviously being another name for a burqa, he is the rider of oppression and infinite abuse. When history has it's pages written you'll find a long list of names looked at in a bad light from Stalin to Hitler to Kim Jong Il to Richard Reid, these people will be remembered like a penis in a porno, an absoloute boner killer but who need them to show you how good the rest of the shit is....



BTF: Wow, what an analgy.



Werns: I don't have no allergy.



BTF: I said analgy.



Werns: Anal? I'm not a poof.



BTF: Forget it.... Hutcho?



Hutcho: I love BTF!!!! Funniest thing since Kyle Sandilands on Enough Rope with Andrew Denton!!!! I'd also like to go on record and say that the quote used on P CON was wholey inaccurate and not the way I feel about Andrew Reynolds at all. He is obviously one of the senior players that everyone looks to for guidance. I don't wanna say hero but.... Fuck it, I do wanna say hero. He's probably the greatest football mind and coupled with his ability it is the best package in GHFA football you'll see going round. If not for the mistakes of others, he'd be leading goal scorer and we'd be playing the Grand Final this weekend. He was played in the wrong position a number of times this year and only given a chance at one free kick. By being limited like that, he still outshone everyone else and proved in the last game, he is the most threatening dead ball kicker in the game. If someone is a better natural, team orientated striker in the world, I've never seen them...



Wow! That is exclusive evidence about the lies and filth that Richard Reid spreads. Let's face it, would you let this guy through your front door?









Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Friends

Now that the season is over and I have regaled a tale of my younger years, you all seem to have a thirst for more knowledge about who I am and what I do. Well, I suppose you all want to know what the names of all my friends are and what they do. Well get ready and open up your knowledge basket cos he come the facts.

You've already met Nuts.

You've already met Shooter.

Wheels is a close friend. He lives in Coober Pedy which I believe is wedged somewhere in the affluent area between Pitt Town & McGraths Hill. He enjoys long work hours and.... Well that's all he really likes.

Leonard is a man of English descent who despite living in Australia for close to 30 years speaks with a thick accent when drunk & around ladies. He has set both the indiviudal and double sit-up world records when he entered the sit-up world champs last year. He entered the doubles by himself and still flattened the competition. Rumours are abound that one night he went for a swim in the Atlantic and this passenger ship called the Titanic and hit him then sunk. I've looked for the answer on snopes.com but nothing so far...

Baldwin is the theatre lover amongst us. An accomplished thespian and television actor, he once had a pivotal role in Water Rats where they wound up in an alternate dimension where he had to give a handjob to Jay L'aigua. In his normal dimension or universe he had to give the handjob to Gary Sweet. He had a similar role in Stingers where he had to give a handjob to Frankie J. Holden and a recurring spot on Home & Away where he gives Morag a handjob. Don't worry, I thought she was meant to be a female too. Turns out she's a hemmy like Lady GaGa.

Henkel Goldstein is our frugel Jewish friend. He was raised in a catholic household but was adopted from a Dan Brown book at an early age. Apparently he has a direct lineage to Jesus, unfortunately not Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus was a fairly common name back then. His lineage is in fact to Jesus Luz who of course is Madonna's new boyfriend.

Waqar is an avid supporter of the Boston Red Sox. He also supports Liverpool. We're guessing he'll be supporting whoever wins the NRL Grand Final and Super Bowl this year.

Azradin is our Pakistani pal. He has HHHUUUUGGGGEEEEE ears and cannot price you a cheap naan oven. He will however let you launch a Jihad from his backyard using Russian artillery and Inzamam-ul-Huq.

I think you've been hit with enough knowledge today. Maybe we'll continue later and I can tell you about Nectar. He's a funny guy. Big nose and all!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Orly?+

"I am zee guy zat has beens stalking zis Shooter man. I wants him more than zat Burberry and suede satchel by Marc Jacobs"

It's Over

The season's over boys and now we're left with this sick feeling in our collective stomach. Where do we take it now? What do we do? How can we live a life where we don't see each other? I must admit, I'm getting emotional.

It casts my mind back to when I was a 17 year old young man, out on the prowl. It was the summer of 1999 and I'd gotten my licence in July of that year. My best friends and I used to go for a drive, still relishing our newly found independence. We'll say for privacy purposes that Shooter and Nuts were there names and we were a 3 man wolf pack. Hunting down car boot sales and wine tastings, being fierce young predators of the female variety.

Shooter was a baby faced 5ft 6in womanizing monster. An avid fan of the Stargate television series and obscure sports like Lacrosse he had an air of mystery about him that the ladies liked, or more correctly several of the ladies liked. He often took to the dance floor to exhibit his cat like manoveurs with the crowd that such agile and quick motions deserved. One time we snuck into Rooty Hill RSL while they were hosting WSFM's Jukebox Saturday. Shooter danced from 9:30pm to 10:15pm without even stopping to grab a complimentary soft drink. Like I said, the dude was a party animal.

Nuts was more of a rotund, less elegant mass that enjoyed bad food and even worse women. He preferred to adorn himself in garish garments and radically overstated novelty items like liquor branded belt buckles. His weight proved no issue in his mind and thus he strode about in a gnome-like wimsy. Nuts struggled with the English language and tended to speak in grunts and other garbled tones that neither Shooter nor I fully understood but we let him tag along because if it was only two of us, we'd look like massive fags.

As Shooter was the trend-setter amongst us, he brought us countless items of interest that were ahead of the curve. Like way ahead of the curve! Like the first day of kindergarten he wore a hypercolour t-shirt. At first everyone was like, "What the fuck is that????". 4 Years later the rest of the world new. He had Reebok Pump baby booties, the guy was just that far ahead. This took him far as by his 20th birthday he'd become Karl Lagerfield's new muse and was once pinned down in an Swedish Snow Cabin by both Dolce & Gabbana. Anyway, this one day he brough us our most prized possession, the very first CRAIG DAVID CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I am not for swearing or taking the Lord's name in vein but this particularly day I screamed something about goats, Jesus in a fluoro jumpsuit and a rumoured guy named George who can do 4 situps per second. Shit was crazy!

Now you may say that it didn't come out til 2000 but that is how far ahead of the curve, young Shooter was. For the next 3 months we drove around in Nuts' Nissan Exa playing Craig David at the loudest possible volume. It was at that moment that Nuts all of a sudden belted out "Took her for a drink on Tuesday, did in the arse on Wednesday". Our jaws dropped and we were amazed to hear his first words. That was when Shooter and I realised we were best friends.

Pictures


The offending CD







The car owned and adored by Nuts



Fans of Shooter, petitioning for him to star in Clover Moore's biopic "Oh my Lord (Mayor): More of Moore, The Clover Moore Story"



Nuts on his all-grape diet

P.S. Guys, I am debating whether or not to come to Parrot night. Would I be stealing someone's thunder by planning something when something else was already planned? Probably...

P.P.S. I completely got caught up and forgot to mention how I caught up with George

P.P.P.S. Have we all had enough of the blog this year or should I keep going so I can tell the summer tales of Hutcho making out with a dude in his new play while I hit play on my ghetto blaster pumping out Kate Cebrano singing "Kiss me passionately...." at 400 decibels? I think I'll keep going cos that shit will be priceless.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Happy 100 Posts!

That's right guys, this post is number 100! It's taken a little while and we've had a lot of fun but we made it.

I thought in honour of this accomplishment, I shall post a picture of the one guy worse than Graham at dancing.

funny animated gif
Jean Claude god damn!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Frank?

As I was scowling the internet looking transgender peoples to verify the existance of Lady Gaga's ding dong (you didn't click the link, did you?). I came across Frank. Frank doing some very unFranklike things.... Namely being a...... DUH DUH DAH!!!! BLACK MANWOMAN FROM ATLANTA!!!!!!

"Hi, my name is Fran... uh... I mean Shaquanda Tanaqueka Jones. What chu talkin' bout? You know I love hot wings! I like your hot wing! You don't know me, don't act like you know me!"

The Warriors

Special mention goes to the guys who showed up at 1pm on Sunday for our game.


Good work Fairclough, Eunice, Nathan, Cottee, Dowd, Frank, Hutcho, Mr Cool & Rens. You have made an old man very hard.... I mean happy... yeah, happy!


For those that couldn't make it, it was unfortunate. One player more and we would've smoked 'em. I guess this post can serve as a kind of tribute to all you fags who couldn't be there. Cos while we were playing, they were.....


George was oiling his abs and snacking on a carb-free juice bar. (No not Juice's bar)


Graham was trying to convince everyone he'd won THE race. Really, detectives just chased him down a hill and lost him. Apparently there is a warrant out for his arrest as he was discovered to be what was eating Gilbert Grape.


The Juice was trying to track down Tim Bailey's weather report. He had planned to ask him if he wanted some freshly squeezed nuts and then after waiting for Tim's, "which nuts?" reply, grabbing and thrusting his own nuts in the direction of the spray tanned midget, while screaming "THESE NUTS!!!!".


Edge was at the court house trying to change his name back to Reg. Judge responded with "Son, you need to be more careful. That internets can be a real motherfucker." Name remians as Edge...


English was busy being English in England. That involves getting pantsed by the worst Australian cricket captain in the history of Trevor Chappell. Those internets, really can be a motherfucker.


Nick Deluca was at a lunch in the city. How lovely! Unfortunately he left his penis at home and Erin has refused to give him back his balls so until he finds it, he is stuck in a state of gender mystery. Much like Lady Gaga and those hemmy rumours. (Srsly click the link)


Pops was at... Pops was.. Where the fuck was that guy? Oh right, Christening. No, completely understandable. I know when I was Christened, Uncle Blogger was at Rosehill backing "Rocket Raider" in the 5th. Never forgave that prick........ I told him if he was ditching my Christening, could he throw a pineapple on "Carmen Homefirst" in the 7th (Paying $32 on the nose!). He didn't and "Carmen" came home first by about 9 lengths. Said to mum, that if Uncle Blogger comes round ever again, he'll leave a gelding.


Is that it? Is that all we were missing?


New coach for next year? Kenny Powers has the job!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Introducing.....

What I like best about this photo is what The Juice is saying without saying anything. It's his piercing eyes that are saying "Hello Mrs Robinson, I've come to clean your pool and play with your vagina....."


Friday, August 7, 2009

How To Waste Your Votes

WHAT A WASTE! he's played like 3 games this year. Probably should've been directed to a Cottee or a Dowd or a Rens. You know, the 3 favourites to take out this years Andrew Baxter Memorial Award for Excellence in the Field of Goodness. Nick Deluca might get the Ryan Baxter Encouragement Award "Baxter'll Do It..... in about 18 Years".

Names have been changed to protect their identity.


danielle fairchild to me
show details Aug 3 (4 days ago) Reply


Hi AB,
Hope you saw the game on Saturday it was a cracker I hit a volley 25m out and it crashed into the cross bar…
Any ways please see below how much of a jerk deluca is




From: Younis [mailto:ykhan@eunis.com]
Sent: Monday, 3 August 2009 11:43 AM
To: Fairchild, Danielle
Subject: RE:

That second goal he scored was a cracker though… And then after I voted for him, he last minute bailed on coming over on Sat night. Should have known better! Haha

Regards Younis




From: Fairchild, Danielle
Sent: Monday, 3 August 2009 11:41 AM
To: Younis
Subject: RE:

You voted for Deluca….. Yuk! I never vote for that guy it goes to his head too often.


From: Younis
Sent: Monday, 3 August 2009 11:40 AM
To: Fairchild, Danielle
Subject: RE:

He sure did… getting better as the season goes on. I know he normally sucks but Deluca played a bit awesome on the weekend too. He got my 3 votes!

Regards Younis

I Do Prank Calls Good


What's the difference between Kevin Federline & Graham Werner?


While they both weigh about 150 kilos, one is hilarious and the other has been making a prank call or two while he has been entering himself in the competitve eating section of Channel 9's Wild Winter Weekend.


It is alleged that there was a phone call to rens earlier in the week that consisted of:


"Hey.... You're a fat fuck....... Ummmm........ You're fat....... *unintelligible garble* fatty....... *mumbles* What should I say guys??? Oh, yeah. Big dick prick. You're fat......... This is funny right guys??? Then why are none of you laughing??? Fat....."


While the truth of Graham's comments cut to the core of Rens like a lazer beam full of self hatred and physical discomfort. Rens can take comfort knowing that if George ever needed a wingman (Ha, as if that would ever happen! He doesn't need a wingman, in fact wingmen just detract from his staggering figures of female bedding conquests) he'd most likely pick the chiselled features and slighlty obtuse frame of Andrew "I'd like to Juan Antonio you're Samaranch" Reynolds to the disgustingly rotund and now we can announce, human incarnation of the Purple People Eater, Graham "I singlehandedly drove the American bison to point of extinction before they were brought back to safer numbers by eating them all and being the first person to champion the product, beefalo" Werner. Check and mate....

Thanks for the laughs tubby. Shoulda been a rapper....


"If someone starts an avalanche at the snow fields, it wasn't me, ok?"

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The President & I



That my friends is Vladimir Putin topless, feeding a horse, in some mountauin range with mirrored lenses on his favourite glasses. What does it have to do with us? Everything! See, Vladimir Putin is like Graham Werner. They both think they are really important when the team is around, going as far as handing out instructions and advice but the moment they turn around, the action begins.





Take Saturday for instance. A day that should lay claim to being an historic event. We won and won well without the "advantage" of Graham Werner's presence. Sure, the back was tighter, faster and fitter than it had been all year and Rens really controlled the middle but what we all loved was thinking about that fat fuck being shirtless, feeding a horse in some mountain ranges wearing his most favouritest cheapest $12:00 servo sunnies. Look around, take a deep breath and enjoy the serenity that surrounds you.... P.S. Don't eat the 3ft marshmallows running around, they're called children!





I am glad we won, it was great because we all feel it deep within our bones. We've strived to achieve the unachieveable. Thought to think the unthinkable. Attempted to attain the unattainable and Werns has even eaten the inedible. I enjoy my weekend Juice as much as the next guy (man not the beverage) and it will not seeing him this weekend but we must take it..... Hark. "Take it where?", you say. Why the next level of course. We're talking pennant time bitches!!!!!!!!!!




Unfortunately, it looks like we may only have 9 players and that's if Craig Hutchinson gets over his period, sniffles or whatever reason he felt under the weather on Tuesday. 9 players!!! Can we still win? YES! I say we go out and give it our best. No, Nick Deluca won't be there as Sunday is training day as he aims for this years Tour de Fag unicycle race.


"Gotta get to the finish to see Perez Hilton at the Gala Dinner tonight. Hope he thinks my outfit is Faboosh!" *SNAPS*

Some of the boys are down the snow this weekend and that's been planned for ages so I don't blame them. In fact everyone deserves a week off every now and then. So while they are riding the Pink runs at Perisher, sipping on a Hot Toddy and giving each other back massages, let's go out and position ourselves for the pennant boys! We need a win this weekend, a big one. So Hutcho, pull out your tampon, Franky dust off those boots, Cottee bring Commitment the Dog, Fairclough win back that golden boot and Dowd strap on your bestest favourite sports yamaka, we're gonna win us some pennant boys!

1, 2, 3... NO DILDOS!!!!!