Swine flu and you..... A bloggers guide to beating Roselea.

Dear readers, I quote the poet of our generation, Mr Snoop Dogg. "It's on again, it's on and poppin". We are obviously talking about us versus Roselea. That's right sports fans, it is time for the grudge match of the year where we host the morons behind the Mormons (their home ground is literally behind the Australian headquarters of the Mormons).

Since the beginning of time there have been grudge matches and the question that has remained supreme is that of are we real men if we don't have a true nemesis? Sonic had Dr Robotnik, Astronauts had Cosmonauts (sounds like a girl's magazine version), Franky had Ron Jeremy, He-man had Skeletor, The Karate Kid had the Cobra Kai Dojo, and the list goes on. Glenhaven Parrots AA12's have Roselea. They don't dare invoke the name of some great native fauna as a mascot. No, they simply draw their mental equivalent. A stickman. What is a stickman? Not some cool brand of pants you wore in 1993 while listening to Wrecks n Effects before heading off to Skate 2000 so you could jump on your rollerblades when House of Pain was playing. A stickman is the retarded mascot of a team that is devoid of any redeeming quality. At least Steady Eddy had funny jokes about rooting his wheelchair bound girlfriend. Roselea is like Steady Eddy with Chris Rock jokes. Just some unfunny disabled person, that has a few "white people are dickhead" monologues and nobody likes those people. Nobody!

The fued runs long and deep, going back at least 2 seasons. Sure they stacked their side with wussy little snot lickers and some lesbian that rivalled Grahams 28 stone frame but what bore this grudge? Maybe it was Reg's bodyslam *kapow*! Reynolds' infamous 15 second carding or maybe, just maybe it is because they are a team of knuckle dragging, fucktards that smell like the Ganges (sorry Cool but that place stinks) and look like the monster from The Goonies.

"So, how to beat them?" you ask. Glass them like Greg Bird would to his Mrs? No. Too cowardly and testicleless. Punch them in the collective groin? Fail, too crass and unimaginative, plus Stickman doesn't have stick balls. Too hard to draw. Bodyslam them, Reg-style? Nah, too crude. LET'S SWINE FLU THOSE PRICKS!!!! Ok, 1st you ask, how can we come in contact with the flu and not get ill? We are parrots, we only get avian flu! Battle won.

First, where do we get it? Well, Swine flu was created by the Jews so us non-Jews would stop eating delicious bacon. Cogito ergo sum, Dowd is a Jew so he created swine flu (Yes, quoting Descartes incorrectly or in the wrong context that deals with the ensuing prose makes me seem like an idiot but I think it adds to my charm) . Dowd must have stockpiles of the stuff and is hand injecting it into every pig, bacon and piece of pork he finds!!!! We simply get Dowd to vapourise the agent and pump it over to them via a series of tubes i like to call the "gonna-eff-you-up-you-Roselea-Retards.....tubes. Simple. Game one. Let's tear the Stickmen some new stick-arseholes!

Also, I heard they are changing their name to the Rosela Conroys. Doesn't that just make you wanna smack them in the face???

A letter from Geoff.....

A letter from behind the wheels of steel.

By Geoffrey Werner

Dear Parrots,

How's it going guys? I heard you guys didn't get the points after George faked an injury. When I did my leg you could see the bone! It was awesome!!!

I'm really having some fun up here in Queensland, it's so cool! Hayden and I have started doing yoga and tai chi together. Hayden is so flexible! I am always like OMG, you could join a circus... LOLZ. When we do tai chi in the morning I like to get to the front so nobody is in my way. Last week I was doing fly kicks and roundhouse kicks because I stayed up all night watching a Walker: Texas Ranger marathon. I don't think the group had seen anything like that before at tai chi so I was pretty happy with myself. Maybe next week I'll pinch some bricks from work and take them down so I can show them how to smash them with your bare hands. It's pretty weird though, they don't even have belts but everyone says I'd probably be a black belt already.

Hayden and I like to go out a lot. We found this really cool club that's just a man's club. You can just go there and be yourself with all the boys and not worry about women ruining it. They are also heaps casual about the dress policy. Last week must have been a builders conference cos all the guys were wearing fluro vests and jeans cut into shorts like stubbies. That was fun, we danced for hours and this guy called Samuel even offered for us to stay at his and he'd let us stay up all night eating his famous sausage. Sounded pretty tempting but we just told him we'd do a Maccas run on the way home. He seemed pretty disappointed so we're going round for a games night to night. He said we can play strip poker, twister and hide the fatboy (I've never heard of it before but all the guys at the club love it. Some of them have even played it in the toilet apparently!). Hope there will be some hot chicks there. He says him and his girls always have a ball but then his mate Stefan came up and he said he was one of the girls. I didn't get it.

My DJ career is really taking off now. I've been doing heaps of gigs around Surfers. Like last week I headlined Singles Night at Kirra Bowlo. It was so awesome! I kept getting heaps of requests and the women were pinching me all over. Nana Darcy said that if she didn't have to go home to start taping The Bill before bed she would've let me park my slippers under her king single Sealy Posturepedic. I don't what that meant but I think its good. I'm hoping to go over to Ibiza next year after my promoter Kevin books some heavier stuff. He mainly deals with the big RSLs & Bowlos but we're gonna break into the Lifesaving clubs soon where the real money and partiers are. He said if we get a Lifesaving gig, he'll get me a Casio keyboard for my home studio. I'd be so stoked! Imagine that? Knock back a carton of Lucozade and pumping out the beats all night. Hayden might get pissed but he can just go play that fatboy game with Samuel after Samuel finishes sewing his party dress for next year in Sydney. I always tell him he's a jack of all trades, master of none. He laughs and says "I'd like to jack off your trade and master your bum". I guess its a Queensland joke.

Anyways guys, I better get back to it. I'm doing up some flyers for the Burleigh Heads RSL, I'm playing this Friday after the bowlers finish. Goin' troppo!

See you soon boys,

DJ Jazzy Geoff

Hey guys....

Merkin!

The Doctor is in....

The blogger is not happy. My source indicates there were 6 people at training last night. 6! That is BS and I won't cop it. The team I follow and love will suffer greatly if they don't turn up to training and I am considering pulling this blog until we got more people to training. Not cool!!!!

Maybe you have:

Convenient-Work-When-The-Weather-Isn't-Nice-afla-cock-eye - An infliction meaning you have to work late. Night shift. Walking the lanes and back alleys of the cross cos you are too ugly to work The Wall or you get swamped at work at about 4:30 when you see the weather change outside and the barometer drop. Why do you have a barometer? Cos you're a f*ckwit.

The Phantom Disease - You've seen this guy once all season and it was at a game. Other than that you don't know who he is or where he comes from. Also known as Murder She Wrote Syndrome cos the bloke is a f*ckin mystery!

Vaginal Inflammation - Quite simply, you grow a vagina, turn into a lady and don't front. Wanker!

Unknown Illness - Also known as laziness.

No-message-or-call-intrinitiseseses - Phone don't work? Mouth will not produce sound? Cannot write a text? You've got this thing. Too bad you can't tell that girl you planned to meet up with and finger bang after you share a Midori Illussion shaker. Major bummer dude....

I'll-tell-everyone-I'm-in-Griffith-until-they-realise-there-is-f*cking-nothing-in-Griffith-and-it-is-all-some-big-hoax-so-can-meet-up-with-Brad-from-my-laser-tag-team-and-talk-about-World-of-Warcraft-and-our-favourite-expansion-packs Disease - Unknwon symptoms other than not fronting due to a visit to a "regional centre" (I use regional centre as a very lose definition, Griffith is in essence a regional epicentre. A regional epicentre of cow f*cking bipeds whose women grow large hooves and communicate is a series of grunts and whistles. All women are named Charlene, all men are named Ken. No last names are used because they're all from the same family. Hats off to you, residents of Griffith, you great cow-f*ckers!) of NSW.

Sorry, doctor has some house calls to make. Start showing up to training guys... Not cool! For those with valid excuses, you haven't been diagnosed even though you may feel that the symptoms allude to your absence from training.

Geoff's bike tips!

Geoff brings us some bike tips this week.

1. Always wear a helmet.

Bow ties are however optional!

2. Always hold onto Hayden when he gives you a double.

Sunglasses, optional.

3. Invite Graham

Extra hot dog, wedged in cleavage is optional.

4th & Final. Always display gang colours when riding!

Leather sandals are once again optional!

How many friends does a Nick Deluca have?

Answer: NONE!

The wild Winter weekend..... in Autumn.

What a weekend... I mean really, it was one for the ages. I guess I'm stumped.....

So Saturday was the first game of the season but I'm not really sure we got a result. Anyway, let's start from the beginning......

The afternoon was fresh, the breeze light and the ground looked like a fucking sandpit. The field didn't look that wide and for the sake of some player's fitness that was a blessing. Everyone seemed keen and we lined the bench with 4 players which was a nice relief in case anyone got tired or worse, injured. It was great to see all the boys suiting up, Pricey in his keepers gear looked flash, Reynolds wearing some red sweatband like a reject from an Olivia Newton-John film clip and some guy called Edge. Or was it Reg? I think it was Reg. He seemed nice and reminded me of a guy I knew a while ago.

We struck first blood by winning the kickoff but our forwards at the time, being the brain trust or Mr Cool and Unit as they are more commonly known ripped a massive brain fart and just stood there, gazingy longingly at the sand. Then they were finally instructed that it was in actual fact our turn to start the game. Good times, good times.

The first 25-30 minutes were lackluster at best. Heavy leakage through the left side of the park gave the opposition plenty of oppurtunities. After this level of leakage, Gary Werner has only one option left, and that is to replace the entire left side with a giant sanitary napkin. Lucky for the Parrots, Pricey was equal to the task showing great timing and instinct (which is what being a keeper is all about). There was one hairy moment though but that was courtesy of a defense line being set about 5 yards too far forward, allowing the attack of Thornleigh to penetrate the back line like you used to do to Sally Johnson's panties behind the bike sheds at high school.

Unfortunately, a goal was seemingly always looming for the opposition and they pinched it after a weak attempt at holding possession (which by appearance is our largest problem) down the surprise, surprise... left side. It was probably Deluca's fault.

Following the goal however, the Parrots began to get a roll on. Possession was held for some solid periods of time and once again it showed the potency of the Parrot attack when they play the possession game. To borrow a term from Mexican football, efficient disposals were seemingly the key. Unfortunately, we bombarded the opposition with inefficient disposals in the red zone, and really could have benefited from one more pass or a better pass. One particular incident comes to mind when vomit boots decided an ill-fated shot attempt some twenty metres to the right of goal was better than a ball to 2 unmarked players on the edge of the 18 yard box with seemingly eons of time (one player being the man who lead the goal scoring tally for the majority of the 2008 season before having to reluctantly take up the mantle once more of being the best goal keeper in the world, using his skill and sheer genius to singlehandedly assure the Parrots of their Grand Final spot last year, then keeping them in a position to challenge heavily in the premiership game. The majority thought he was a sure thing for Parrot of The Year but politics ultimately played a larger part than leadership, talent & skill in the final decision making process).

Knuckles struck once again on the card table side when he was inappropriately mounted like some elephant you might ride whilst on holdiays in Thailand. You might even get peed on by a monkey. Alas, shoves were had, words were said and rats tails were shown as the testicles in the back incident garnered attention from all corners of the ground. Unfortunately nuts in the back is not a cardable offence, nuts in the hand however is part of a Mr Cool offense. Note the difference!

Now, the reason why there was no result was that George broke his leg. More or less the match was abandoned. It was the fact we played in a sandpit. That can't have been good for it!

Anyway, he went in for a 50/50 challenge and snap. He was falling to the ground as the bottom of his foot wobbled like a bowl of jelly. There's nothing funny about such a serious injury. Our thoughts are with George, we wish you a speedy recovery. Just to make sur eyou all understand.

Not groin.

Leg!

Also absences were missed on the weekend. Cottee was lifting things and changing their location whilst Daniel Fairclough could not play because he had a nasty case of the sniffles... awwww, everyone thinks he got really pissed the night before and he may have caught them that way.

Got anything you want mentioned or any inside goss that I can't get from my insider? Send it to me at theparrotblogger@gmail.com . I don't name names but for instance, a player who for arguments sake we'll call Danielle Unfairclough pointed out that Hutcho has a website. http://www.craighutchison.co.nz/

For those who don't believe our emblem depicts a parrot and believe it is a rosella. A rosella is a parrot of the platycercus genus so you are simply arguing against yourself.

P.S. Frank is from here, cut him some slack guys:

Hutcho's role of the week...

This week Hutcho has landed a fresh role in a new Australian biopic. I would say that this will probably be movie of the year next year and really show the rest of the world what we’re all about. The film is called “Somer Loving: The Darryl Somers Story” and it will cover everything Darryl Somers from his hugely successful stint on Hey,Hey It’s Saturday to his lackluster hosting of Blankety Blanks through to his time in television wilderness. The dizzying heights of hosting the Logies through to his outright depressed state upon learning that Ossie will be the last pink ostrich to grace Australian TV screens. A rollercoaster of emotion showing the deviant side of Darryl’s love life exposing his affairs with co-host Jacki MacDonald, Dickie Knee, Denise Drysdale and Red Symons, not to mention the shattering sex tape scandal “F*cka Duck”. This unashamedly true blue Australian film will rival the likes of ANZACs, Pelican Boy, The Castle and Chopper for its place among Australia’s most important films (from a cultural standpoint at least). Hold onto your seats or if you are Wilbur Wilde, your sexyphone because this tale of a dairy farmer and cabaret singer’s son who acted like a dairy farming cabaret singer will blow your freaking mind!

I am honoured to announce that Hutcho will have a major role in this film portraying two incredibly key characters, Denise Drysdale & Plucka Duck. I know it may be a little early but can anyone else smell an AFI in this for Hutcho? F*ck Lantana, this could be the greatest movie Australia has ever made including all that crap that king fuckwit Baz Luhrmann has shat out. Moulin Rouge, more like Moulin Poo-uge!

“Somer Loving: The Darryl Somers Story” starts principal photography in May with Darryl Somers starring as Jacki MacDonald and Jay Laga’aia as everyone else.

Hint

The blogger is not at training.

NEWS FLASH

New bikie gang laws can't stop Werns and Deluca as their gang the "Shaftenlupers" gain immunity. They then celebrate in style with a ride around town.

"Nick, you're poking me with your shaftenluper again".

"Listen Graham, do you wanna be in the gang or not? SHAFTENLUPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Spotted!

Geoff and Hayden win 1st for men's open tandem sack race at the Brisbane Easter Classic.

Happy Easter

From all of us here at Balls To Feet I'd like to wish you all a Happy Easter and to Brendan, a happy Pesach. Jesus may have died but Parrots live forever.... or more accurately the information I post about them remains on the internet forever. That's kind of a cool idea, to think that in 400 million years when aliens finally make contact with Earth (at that point extinct of all life forms) it will be able to Google this web page and see the above picture of Hutcho seemingly in an alien aircraft of his own...... Welcome to the twilight zone!

They control the world....

NEWS FLASH - Nick Deluca & Gareth Bryant prove 3rd grade teachers correct as they actually hold the world in their hands. Scripture teachers upset as they can no longer sing “He’s got the whole world in his hands”, even his parents scold him for stealing from God saying “There’ll be no Easter eggs for Nick this year”.

NEWS FLASH 2 - Scripture teachers even more upset as remake of their song called “Nick Deluca & Gareth Bryant have the whole world in their hands” shoots to number 47 on the ARIA charts.

NEWS FLASH 3 - Scientists appalled at the factual inaccuracy of new hit song “Nick Deluca & Gareth Bryant have the whole world in their hands” claiming that we'd be like ants if it were the truth.

NEWS FLASH 4 - Ants offended at scientists claims saying their diminutive stature is due to geneology and it shouldn't be made a mockery of.

DJ Jazzy Geoff

As we all miss the coach of last year but admire his determination to pack up all his possessions to head north and try to make it spinning the wheels of steel along the Gold Coast's sunset strip, I have decided to honour him in a feature called what would Geoff play?



So as the niteclubbing seasons change and Geoff has to wait another 9-10 months for the onslaught of schoolies clubbers where he would sneakily hide his erection behind the vinyl he has stacked to his decks while he is just aching for some 17 year old with a fake id to stride up to him in a midrift top and seductively request the latest remix of a Lada Gaga song (in the associated film clip still wearing underwear as some stupid fashion accessory but not realising had that Madonna had the fucked up cone bra thing down pat some 20 years earlier). Guess Geoff better keep his glowstick in his pants for this one and save it for the fat chick he's been rooting at the local Youth Hostel.



So let's cut to the mustard and show the number one song on DJ Jizzy Geoff's wheels of steel this week.........



Was it ever gonna be anything other than Right Said Fred? I'm a model...........

"Hayden, quick pass me the number 2 song of the week and hurry up cos I have to get it in before I play 'Show No Mercy' by Mark Williams. Yeah, it's over there. Right next to the Vicka & Linda singles. What do you mean? Of course they were better than when they were in The Black Sorrows!"

Begrüßen Sie das Boom-Boom-Zimmer

That's "welcome to the boom boom room" for all you Merseysiders!

Hutcho's role of the week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah it's time for this crap again. Well the major problem Hutcho had this week was choosing which role to pursue as Pricey stole some of his limelight with an excellent portrayal of "The Boy From Snoz". What to do, what to do? Well, Hutcho came to the conclusion that he might as well do two sub-par roles this week to try and equal one actual good role which would be semi-humourous to write about in a satirical manner without being too cerebreal as to alienate his stagnant fan base. Alas, he come the roles now......

Hutcho has been successful in getting a bit part in the Hollywood remake of the sci-fi action classic Total Recall! Can he make Cohaagen give the people back their air? Who will fill in for the Governator as he tends to issue of State? All answers the producers have to worry about but they sure don't have to worry about who is gonna play the broad with three tits! That's right Hutcho has that deal locked up! Congratulations mate, say hi to Hauser for us all.

Now due to the lack of dialogue heavy work in Total recall, Hutcho has also felt out for other dialogue light work this week so he can give his pipes a rest before thrusting himself forward into some more daring musical roles like the docu-drama about the kid who could play the recorder with his nose. Anyways, we all noticed his lack of fitness against the Hawks so he has one-upped us all and taken on the ultimate fitness role as..... Billy Blanks in the latest Billy Blanks instructional DVD about Tae Bo! Not only will he walk, talk and punch air like Billy, he will also release a cover of the Mr Cool and Pussycat Dolls hit "Jai Ho" called "Tae Bo"! Wow, what a week... I just hope coach let's him out over easter to do some more quad thrusts!

TAE BO! Look, his first DVD cover!

The Unknowns......

Looking forward to the year ahead we have to be brutally honest with ourselves as fans of the Parrots. Sure we are glad to have our players back and all that crap but really, what questions and of who do the aforementioned questions need to be asked of? It is time we delved into....... THE UNKNOWNS!!!!!!!!!

Pri(n)cey's Leg.

How will it hold up this year? Yes, he is playing keeper but will no doubt want to continue his enforcing ways. Will this contact hurt him? Will it hurt his bionic leg and matching scrotum (the one with the trademarked burberry tweed)? Who know. All I am sure of is that I'd rather Prince/Pricey playing keeper with one leg than Deluca playing with two. Have I mentioned how crap The Mayor was in goals against the Hawks? Man, he stunk so bad its weeks latter and the stench still has yet to fully depart my nostrils.

Mr Cool's Singing Career.

Since linking up with Nicole and the gang to perform the worldwide hit "Jai Ho", how will Mr Cool react? Will he be a diva? Will he go all Bobby & Whitney or will he finally get us the discount naan ovens we've been begging him for? Hopefully he just keeps singing the worldwide smash "Jai ho....."

George's Groin

Before we start I admit that Geoge's groin sounds very familiar to Georgia's groin but I ask of you, how can a Eurasian country of the South Caucasus region have one collective groin? The answer of course is that it can't and we do of course refer to Chris "George" Harrison's groin. After studying the the medical diagram supplied above I have come to a few great conclusions.

1. The groin is all bout the circles!

2. Sexual problems reside south of the belly button border.

3. I don't know what a voiding problem is but I am hazarding a guess that it relates to poopey and pee.

4. The picture is to scale.

For all Parrots and Parrot fans we can only hope and pray that the discomfort experienced by George stays isolated to the outer blue area and does not dare make it's way into the scrotal red region. Ouch!

Before I finish off this section about what may or may not happen in George's pants this year, I want to point out that I have posted a picture of a penis. That is all.

The shoes

While the wearer may resemble Princess Fiona and the resultant footwear like something Shrek tried to fuck during his rebellious teenage years, we all just hope we never see them again. Will we ever see those hideous booger boots again? I hope not.... Our season depends on it! Personally I'd think if the whole team wore Crocs we'd seem like less of a fuckwit than running round in the same colour boot as Carlotta's latest dress.

Purple Rain

It might as well have been Purple Rain on Saturday cos there sure as fuck wasn't anything other kind as Mother Nature turned on an absolute cracker of a day that by all accounts should have been the first day of GHFA season. Normally I would not bring to account the details of premature ejaculation but it has to happen when people get it that wrong. Spunk was flown everywhere when about 2 minutes into last week we got the call that the first round was cancelled. Fuck ups don't come much better than it not raining since the exact second it was posted for all and sundry to see on the GHFA wesbite. Nothing like a weather report from Tim Bailey's arsehole! Let's hope the knuckle dragging morons at GHFA's weather station get it right for the rest of the year. It would pretty much guarantee their beatification to GHFA heaven (a.ka. this blog!). It'll be an intercession bitches!!!!!! Imagine it... "In the name of David "Davo" Stalkhead we pray that you grant our fields with the dryness accorded to only the most determined celibate's jocks". To quote myself "Fucking beautiful!"

Hopefully we get a twilight game out of this. The only thing better than seeing the boys under lights is when girls request they make love to them without them on. "Fucking beautiful!"

P.S. My new saying "Fucking beautiful!" in case you haven't notced. Fucking beautiful!

Spotted!

Graham Werner, dressed to kill at the Golden Slipper on Saturday.

What's Deluca been up to?

With all the bad weather about. Deluca thought it best to find some aquatic comfort out of the wind and rain. He visited a futuristic swimming complex! Whoa!!!!!!

Mr Cool stars in new PCD film clip

Jai ho Mr Cool, jai ho.

Hutcho's Role of the Week!

Hey ladies, dust off those dildos and cut that hair like Deluca cos we have Hutcho's all dancing, all singing and all thespianing in this weeks...... da dada dum..... "HUTCHO"S ROLE OF THE WEEK".


What will he do this week? Macbeth? A Midsummer Night's Dream? Pirates of Penzance?


No. This week Hutcho will star in Ellen Degeneres the muscial as..... ELLEN DEGENERES! He gets to do a sex scene with Portia except playing Portia is being played by MACULY CULKIN!!!!!!!!!!






So congratulations, you get test yourself as actors like doing and go lezo, Home & Away style! Can you do us a favour and ask Maculy if the bird lady scared the shit out of him in Home Alone 2? That bitch was weird!

March Madness!!!!

Straight from Sydney Confidential:

"Parrot soccer player seen canoodling with fans at Mardi Gras. Word is that he is still trying to get the glitter out of some nooks and crannys"

1 person in the above photo was born without balls...... and they're wearing black. Smooth moves Deluca!!!!!!! Looking sparkly! *WINK WINK*