Disturbing new trend!

Guys, I don't know what is happening at the very core of the team but some have noticed a very disturbing new trend.... MAN BAGS!!!!!!!!!!!


Werns has even been spotted in a piece of female attire. A Miller's Fashion Club 2 piece ensemble.


Sort it out fellas.....

Uh oh.....

So readers, I was minding my own business when I heard I was in trouble with Mrs Blogger (as usual). See I had mistakenly thought that by buying her a device to enhance our "intimate times", I was doing us a favour and keeping the spark in our relationship. I was wrong.... I have now added this to my list that I will pass down to my Blogger Jr when he is old enough to man a keyboard, as they say. I surveyed a few players to help add to my list and so here is an extract of....

THINGS THAT PISS YOUR GIRL OFF

1. Dildos as presents - you think "great, free dildo shows", she's thinks "this pervert wants to watch me use this"
2. Saying someone elses's name during love-squish time - Sure, you did it right. Candles, fine wine and the dulcet tones of Engelbert Humperdinck but calling out Michelle when the girl wedged firmly between your bedhead, mattress and gimp mask is named Sharon is a sure fire way to get your dick snapped.
3. Disclosing of past deeds - Never mention the menage trois with your old neighbours the Smith twins, never recant the tale of the first time you used a bike tyre, water bottle and jackhammer to make squishee with a cougar and never ever remind her of where she sits on your "Best Roots of All Time List" (We've all got one, Mrs Blogger sits number 53 of 65. Unfortunately, I peaked early)
4. Attempted spelunking - Nothing will kill her eagerness for a bit of afternoon delight quicker than if you little the little parrot knock on the backdoor. Instant castration by many females.
5. Get caught whacking the badger - She won't root you for ages! Hide your porn, don't look at bra catalogues and never ever think you can be ninja enough to rub one out when she's sleeping next to you.

Those are my little nuggets of advice so take heed and keep your woman happy, lest you never see the green, green fields of Glenhaven ever again.

A few of the boys have contributed what has pissed off their past or current partners, so that us males (the Rolls Royce of the genders) can keep the women (the VW Beetle of the genders) semi-content. We all realise that a happy woman is an unattainable fairytale, bred into creation by Hollywood. Happy woman do not occur as a natural phenomenen. They are by definition crabby, suspicisous and deseperate for control. On to the boys for their tips:

Geoff: Rooting someone else generally pisses them off.
Deluca: Apparently bathrooms are not wine production facilities. Who would've thought? Also, don't tell her to go in the front seat of Splash Mountain. Big one!
Edge: Stop calling me Edge, you fuckwit!
Werns: Eating their main, has irritated a few. One of my ex-girlfriends used to order 5 mains so she never really noticed but the other ones have.
George: Eh meh, climaxing when seeing myself doing push ups has turned a few off bro. One, eh meh, one even removed my roof, floor and wall mirrors from the bedroom. Too bad she never found old faithful, Mr Pocket Mirror! Oh yeah!
Mr Cool: Anything you do generally results in a cacophony of squeals, growls and hisses. I just like to hide.
Rens: Eating their birthday cake before anyone puts candles on it or sings to them.
Pricey: When I tell them how much I fucking hate quiches.
Frank: I've never had a woman upset with me. Once I was a ghost so I came back and haunted Demi Moore for a while. She wasn't even pissed just really upset that I wasn't real. Bummer it was pre-Striptease, I really missed the boat on that one.

And there we have it. Keep it secret, keep it safe.

Werns?

What were you doin on The Price Is Right mate? Why are you pushing the old lady?

My true identity....

It's me Clare the bogan. Chk chk boom!

Have you heard the word?

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Around the grounds....

So what's new with the boys this week:

Dowd: Starts his first line dancing class tonight atCrows Nest Community Centre. Not sure if he'll wear leather spats or jodpurs.

Mr Cool: Starting a cab company. Wants to call it Bollywood Cabs. Getting sued by Premier Cabs for trademark infringement as they already own that name.

Deluca: Went to Australia's Wonderland to see if he could finally ride the Space Probe because he bought some really high shoes so he made the height requirement. I just told him they shut that place down years ago. Last seen heading for El Caballo Blanco.

Hutcho: Someone saw him hosting his own talk show this week. Could've just been Ellen.

Werns: Prolly still at Yum Cha from Saturday.

Frank The Tank: After teaching Springsteen some songwriting lessons, he has Jerry Seinfeld scedule for stand up lessons, a double 'How not to be a fuckhead' lesson with Jarryd Hayne & Rove into his very own adult film. "Beans & Frank".

Pricey: Jawboning Roselea. Pointing at enemies. Being The Juice! Aka Tough Juice. Aka Just Juice.

Edge: Trying to convince everyone to call him Reg. Prolly won't stick.

Fairy: Trying to convince everyone to message Deluca something at the exact same time. I'm doin it, you should too!

Knuckles: Clenching fist, swinging wildly, smiling.

Rens: Tryng to get everyone to look at him.

Cottee: Playing with Commitment the Dog.

Ottley: Trying to graft out a position in the team that isn't associated with his sister. Really trying to get everyone to know Nathan as Nathan and not as Danielle's younger sister.

English: Can't wait to surprise everyone with the fact he's not English but in fact Lithuanian. Really wants to rub it in to immigration.

Unit: Having given up on the Celtics, Red Sox and Liverpool he looks to find supporter success in backing Everton. Unlikely.....

Pops: Embracing the fact he is Adam The People.

Leaving out those that are forgettable.

Interview with George

George. Great player, great abs, great guy, not great at staying in venues past 10:00pm.


How's he been? What's he been up to? Where can you find him? I have secured an exlusive interview

George, 1st on left with his former bandmates in East 17

BallsToFeet: So George, how is the leg?
George: Eh meh, not too good hey bro.
BTF: When did you know it was fucked?
G: Well, I was lying on the ground and then it just hit me so I just started saying "It's fucked", really loudly. I must have repeated myself like 10 times.
BTF: And you're not even a doctor.
G: Nah, bro. Told a chick I was once but she remembered me from an East 17 music video.
BTF: Get the fuck out! How is recovery going?
G: Eh meh, slow. The legs fucked but I've been getting back into muscle shirts and tank tops. I've really been concentrating on my core. Doing all kinds of situps and crunches. The downtime is helping me develop a new piece of equipment called the "ab-crunch-roller-king by George". I hope to have it out at Parklea by June and in Reject Shops nationally by August. It's an audacious plan but having abs like mine, I've come to realise that being beautiful and having a solid workout routine isn't all it's cracked up to be.
BTF: True, I heard Reynolds still goes to the gym at least once a day for weights, that doesn't even include cardio.
G: Rens? Really? He looks like he goes to Krispy Kreme once a day.
BTF: Calm down mate, he's not the one whose boyish good looks prevent him from growing facial hair. What's this I heard about you going to Advance Hair to see if they could help you grow a moustache?
G: No way bro. That was bullshit. I only said it cos Hayden was cutting my grass and I needed to play the "I'm a tortured individual with real problems so throw some panties my way" card.
BTF: Fair call. Is it true that you once toured with Peter Andre.
G: Eh meh, yeah. He came out on the road after I wrote Mysterious Girl for him. I actually wrote it when I was pissed. I was hammered so it must have been 9:23pm at the latest, just before I got kicked out. My mate hooked up with a tranny and didn't know it so I wrote it to take the piss out of him. Sucked in Carl, that shit went gold everywhere and we still remember you hooking up with a girl named Steve!
BTF: Haha, talk about your stuff ups. Should gone and patted down the wicket before facing the first ball.
G: Haha, too funny blog man! Funniest guy ever!
BTF: Thanks. I know. So any chance of a return?
G: Me and the boys have talked about it. With Human Nature in Vegas and Boyzone doing their reunion off the backs of NKOTB's reunion, we figure it's time.
BTF: No George, not an East 17 reunion, a comeback for the parrots.
G: Aww, shit. Probably not this year. Schedule pretty full with the "ab-crunch-roller-king by George" debuting shortly and I am in talks with Revlon for their male mascara range.
BTF: Wow, busy year.
G: Yeah, hope it doesn't cut into my workout time.
BTF: Yeah...... Any famous last words?
G: I love youse all. Eh meh, Kenny Keow can suck my Katsu Chicken.
BTF: Yep, just texted that to Kenny. He says "you funny dickhead man like Karl Stevanovics. Katsu Chicken is Japan not Korea. You racially insensitive pwick. I root you womans and take your position. Kenny wins!"
G: Errrhhhhh.....
BTF: Thanks for your time George, it's been a pleasure. Get well soon.

What I've learnt about Perth....

Thanks to the continual updates by a certain parrot as he sits across the other side of the country, I've learnt a fair bit about the city, the people and the culture. So get ready cos I am about to hit you with some knowledge....

1. 1993 never happened in Perth - as far as the residents of Perth are concerned, it is still 1992. The success of Nirvana's 1991 album still hangs stagnant in the air as the teen population adorns itself in the crappy black or some psuedo Japenese fashion items best reserved for a dance party in Nimbin.
2. The Fremantle doctor is great when you need a few wickets on the fifth day of a test match but horrible when trying to land.
3. $10 for a pint at a crappy Irish pub that pours possibly the worst Gusiness in the history of the world is completely acceptable.
4. Hanging out at a Hungry Jack's is awesome if you are a 15 year old.
5. No matter what you do, or where you go, it is always hilarious to see lesbians. A homosexual male is often neat, stylish and social. I only see lesbians that look like Shane Warne at the height of weight spike.
6. No sport goes live into Perth on a Friday evening except for the Super 14's semi. Re-runs of King of Queens manage to suffice the entire population. All 14 of them...
7. When you wonder where all the people from your past that seemed slightly retarded went. They went to Perth and fornicated, creating a population of tards. (I did however hear there are the rare normal people)
8. A taxi driver who plays Justin Timberlake's 2006 album FutureSex/LoveSounds loud and on repeat, with a Nike swoosh shaped ear ring and shares the same ancestary as Mr Cool. He'll probably have Jai Ho cranking in 4 or 5 years...
9. Perth is lame.

You've just been hit with some knowledge. Recognise.

A slow week...

So I have been quiet and no doubt you have all been wondering where I have been. I've been in the blogcave after I obtained a serious injury duelling with my arch nemesis The Poster! Since then Mrs Blogger and the little Blogettes have been helping me on the mend and I can finally sit at a keyboard again. Phew... Feels good. Feels like I have slipped back into something comfortable like a fine piece of lingerie selected for me by Frank. The cool breeze naturally rubs my free falling testicles, nestled deep below a covering of thick hair. The lace presses firmly against my buttocks and the matching sock garter gives it a somewhat professional feel. I feel renewed and if I ever see The Poster again, I will cut him down in a tongue lashing not seen since KD Lang first dove into the world of muff.

Hi Geoff!

I would also like to thank everyone for the photos of Deluca with a 'clutch' (as I am told it is called. Thanks Mr Cool, I always thought you were more of a Samantha but now I can see a lot of Carrie in you, have you been curious of Miranda? Bitch is weird!). They will be on my totally awesome blog shortly as soon as I delete Vista and install XP. Vista is the OS equivalent of a handjob with acid as a lubricant.

Oh, for those of you also wondering. Yes, my screenplay for Dr Karl Kennedy: Sexy Science, has been picked up by ABC. Hopefully I get the licensing rights from Neighbours cos I have a really cool love scene planned out with Toady. It actually introduces his cousin Bonefish you subsequently hits on Susan but then Dr Karl throws down some sexy science to prove how invaluable he is to her. Until! The lezos from Home & Away get it on, then everything heads south when Sky Mangel tries to come back to Ramsay Street by shacking up with Lou "Balls No Longer Blue" Carpenter...... But yeah, its good. Don't wanna give too much away......

What have Nick & Peter Holmes a Court been doing?

Peter Holmes a Court confirms to a media conference the size of Nick's genitalia. The media pack questioned the air temperature at the time and Holmes a Court responded, "I don't know what the air temperature was but my mouth remains a steady 36.9 degrees celcius. Look it up, it's science".

Off-field Signings

Hi guys,

Just letting you know that our sister club in the Scottish Premier League, Heart of Midlothian F.C. or The Hearts as they are known, has decided to lend us their current chairman Roman Romanov. Hopefully the board will welcome him with open arms and he can be the final piece of the puzzle joining Andrew Andrews, John Johns, David Davids, Kim Kims and newly appointed Dennis Fitzgerald.

"They'll never guess my parents are a badger and a weasel until it's too late and Baweasels rule the world! Ah ah ah ah ah ah....."

Blogger's top 5

Top 5 dirty words you might hear at Bunnings that aren't really dirty:

5. Just grease the nipple
4. Just rub the lubricant on it
3. Unhitch the A frame to poke in your shaft
2. And if you get your wife to bend it the other way while you push it in and out, you'll really notice the difference.
1. Fuck, did you see that Rove cockhead at the Logies? Boy, what a wanker. If I'd have known he was gonna be on, I would have taken my 12 year old down the titty bar for some chicken wings and his first root. I have nothing against midgets, but he's the reason people think all short folk are fucking retards. I'd rather sit there and jerk off Mark Holden til he yelled "Touchdown" than see that minsy little rat faced bastard spew forth the regualr unfunny bile that shits out his mouth. What a cock.....

I know you think you are but are you?

I know you think you are cool but ask yourself the question, are you Danny Zuko cool?

A lot of people say a lot of things about this blog. Amazing, hilarious, groundbreaking, hero, genius, Shakespeare but I like to keep myself levelheaded. Yes I do give Graham Werner too much shit. No, I don't nearly give others enough. You see, I am the great leveller. Graham is a great guy, one of the best blokes I have ever met and I know he enjoys my prods at him. He finds them humourous and then takes it out on that show pony, Reynolds.

I know people in the team feel they are above retribution, feel that they alone wield all the talent and skill. I am here to cut those people down to size and believe me, I will have your souls! I am stronger than Shang Tsung so next time you feel confident, believe in yourself and think you can rival the impossible, just remember. You may be cool but you are not Danny Zuko cool.

P.S. In a world of Welcome Back Kotter, I would be Vinnie Barbarino, Frank would be Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington and you'd be Horshack.

V is for victory.....

Churchill and us. Victors.

Have we redeemed ourselves? Unlikely.
Did we play well enough to get the points? Yes.
Do I like posing and answering my own fucking questions? Without a doubt.

So where was the battle won? Personnel. We played great with some great team play and some fine individual performances. I am going to take the time to write about each of the 13 players who took the field today because they bloody deserved it but I must insist that this team is more than the sum of its parts. We are more than a football team. We are more than a woman (more than a woman to me......). Sleep well tonight boys, enjoy this moment and savour the flavour as we shall dine on many a football team carcass if we keep this play up.

Marc Prince - Great effort in goals. Really exposed the weak side defense of the YMCA boys with some EXTREME distnce on his kicks. Was able to feed the forwards as well as make some classic P-R-I-C-E-Y saves at the very field that gave birth to the Pricey moniker.

Frank The Tank - Gorgeous effort from a gorgeous man. His loose style of play was able to release the midfields and forwards with some great balls and service.

Graham Werner - Every cloud has a silver lining. Graham is the shit stuff in between. Played average. Looked average. Really disappointed his mother and grandmother on the sideline. I even heard his grandmother say to his mother "Rose, I've been given some crap for mothers day in my time but that was the shittest thing Graham could ever do on mothers day." Harsh but fair.

Hutcho - Scored a screamer, got man of the match and ran his nuts off. Well played. You deserve a Tony................ DANZA!

Nathan Ottley - Always active, some great runs. A real valuable addition to this side and really showed his value today. A very comfortable fit in this side.

Chris Hillard - Got a commitment dog this weekend but played like his balls had never left him. He was everywhere , giving great service, dominating the card table sid ein the 2nd half and missed by a coat of varnish with an absolute screamer.

Brendan Dowd - Today we have a new superhero 'IMPACTMAN'. I have grown accustom to the great play of this man. He continually proves why he was last years Andrew Baxter Medallist and he"ll be close again this year. Probably our most valuable player.

Nick Deluca - Scored a great goal. Brilliant player, nice guy and gentleman. No wonder his parents questioned his sexuality for so long. Was one of my best on ground players today.

Johnny English - Top stuff! Scored our first (too late, I've paid it, not an own goal, it was played for). Some solid runs, a real strikepower up front and very dangerous when loose.

Andrew Reynolds - Very at home up front. Having the pleasure of analysing his play and seeing the stuff he does off the ball is amazing. Some have said that he could've been Ned Zelic good but without the attitude. I marvelled at his powerhouse runs, setting up players for goals (aka Deluca), leadership and just brilliant football mind. Some players see oppurtunities on the park, some see weaknesses, Andrew sees matrix style running code in his computer like mind. He plays the percentages, he feeds the open man and above all an unselfish team player. He is the best striker I've ever seen and I doubt my eyes will meet another that plays in his league. The man transcends football, to the spectator he is an artist weaving the loom or applying the brushwork to a painting of a gigantic mural. You really will not appreciate him until you look at the whole picture and when you do, it will blow your freakin mind.

Mr Cool - Really opened up the left side in the first half. When I think he has peaked, he prooves me wrong. When I think possible is unattainable, he gives me the possimpible. I just love watching the man go to work, either on some fucker that said the tackle was too hard or an a packet of wizz fizz. Dude's got soul.

Edge - Ran his vj out. Such a smoove and efficient player. Provides the needed spark when things its needed and just lifts the boys. I do not know how we did without him last year.

Unit - Shit was off the hook. Attacking the ball and the player. Really gave it to the boys from the Y. A flexible player who is being molded into one of our most consistent performers and is showing that his extra few yards of pace is becoming invaluable.

Gary Werner - Coached the shit out of us. Tryin to get him to change it from Gary to Guus. So far it has been vetoed by Rose. She was suffering from Rose Rage at the time. It's a terrible afflication and hope she calms down a bit.... Uh oh, Geoff just bought a brand new motorbike with side car for Hayden. Looks like Rose Rage is back on the menu....

All in all, great perfomance boys. It was unreal and I implore you to keep these kinds of performances up!

Golden Boot Race:
Johnny English - 1
Nick Deluca - 1
Hutcho - 1
Brendan Dowd - 1
Adam Delpopolo - 1 (Castle Towers has a piazza and Adam has one too, check it out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piazza_del_Popolo. When people talk about 'the people', they mean Adam)

This message has been Marcia Hines approved.

International Player Transfer Imminent!

Hey guys, some of you may or may not know that I do a lot of back office work for the GHFA and the Parrots in general. I maintain this blog, approve trade requests, run the referee disciplinary judiciary, monitor the u/12's salary cap and bake muffins for our Sunday evening 60 Minutes fan club (there is only one thing that could improve that show, the trading out of Liam bartlett for Ken Sutcliffe. Why have a giant when you can have a male model from Mudgee?) I also am the international player relations officer. I initially thought I'd get to have relations with the international players and this especially peaked my interest due to the trade of the lezo sisters from Ballarat to our Moscow sister club for the Russian sisters Ana & Miscka Kournorov who you may have seen in Eastern Block Whores 18. This has not proven to be the case unfortunately and I actually have to talk to them about administration issues and my sexual advances to date have been thwarted.

One bright spark has emerged though and his name Ken Keow from Incheon, South Korea. It looks as though he has volunteered his services to our team in the absence of injury. Accourding to by-law 63-4 sub clause E, he can only play if the team votes with a 4/17ths minority and provides 4 goats for team use or sale. So, I thought it best to give him an oppurtunity to introduce himself so you can get to know him. Here is the letter he forwarded to me:

"Hi team mate players!

My name is Ken Keow and I am from Incheon, South Korea. I would very much like to play for you. People call me Kenny "Pow wow" Keow but I prefer to be called Dave. I much like soccer and I get much enjoyment from tackling the bad men or fuckheads from Roselea as you would say. I like fun very much and play golf, chess and Sudoko in my non-soccers time.

Incheon United is a very good club with friendly man. We are winning for good fun and like to kick other team. I hear George do too many situps and make nice ab muscles for lady but break bone in leg. I wish to service you the best and take place of fake English man in your team. We have saying in Incheon, "Everton suppporters may walk in sun one day but at night they go home to take care of vagina". Perhaps George not man enough to win for best team in AA12?

I like you players except teh fat man with girl boots. He very slow and remind me of wombat. Do you eat wombat? He look like he eat 30 wombat!

I must train hard now so we can make good team together and sleep with many women to make manhood grow. Then we win!

Youii,

Ken

P.S. Can we meet Karl Stefanovic? He funny dickhead man."

Well, that's it from Ken. hopefully we can get im in the squad cos he is a really quality footballer.

Take the vote on Sunday get Ken to play!

Let's get ready to rumble..............

As the mystery blogger, am I known for a very comedy style. But this time I mean business!

"Let's get it on...."

This week, our coach from last year (who all left us hanging after he coached us to a Grand Final defeat and then subsequently abandoned us) returns to the suburbs around which he was prancing about this time last year. Hard to believe that 12 months ago he'd either be walking round the streets of McGraths Hill arm in arm with Hayden just drinking red wine, watching Woody Allen films and admiring the leaves turn a crisp golden. They'd sit back, relax and review the video feed they'd installed in George's shower or just watch the clock tick by as they enjoyed they cooler months. Now they both reside north of the border with aspirations of becoming a world class DJ or opening up a Jim's Mowing Service for their friend's female acquintance. My how times have changed...

With Geoff's presence back in the fold, the footballing world is now wondering whether or not it will impact on the business that Gary is doing with the club. In fact, I would go so far as to say as the impact could be of BIBLICAL proportions. It drove me to ponder the question, is this a Moses v Jesus battle royale? Don't pick sides just yet Brendan, we all realise Moses is very important to you and your people but come on, Jesus!

First let's think about it. Moses loved a bit of kicking Amalekite arse, hated a golden calf and had a round head with one eyebrow. Geoff loves kissing A-guy-called-Mike's arse, has golden molds of George's calf and has a round head with, if left to nature, one eyebrow.

Jesus was magic. Gary rides a Harley. I doubt Gary subscribes to Jesus and his thoughts on Psalms 137:9 or maybe he does and it explains Graham's "interesting" appearance.

Cogito ergo sum, Geoff is Moses and Gary is Jesus. But who would win?

I reckon that Gary would start off just talking through the issues while Geoff would hide in a dessert. Gary aka Magic Jesus would shoot flames at Geoff until he went up a mountain. Then Jesus would fly around on his unicorn handing out lollybags. Geoff would come down from the mountain with a tablet. Probably Sudafed cos Hayden gets colds around this time of the year. He'd try and kill everyone who was worshipping George's golden calves (or metal pins) and knock Gary down in the process. Gary would stay down for the 3 count but then rise again and push back the boulder that kept him in a cave for the 3 count. Wizard of Oz style, Geoff would get crushed by the boulder. So I guess Gary would win.... But we'd all win cos ding dong, the dickhead's dead....

So in the battle of Geoff v Gary, Gary wins. Also, Geoff won't even come to the game. What a gaylord!

Anyways, if you get to see Geoff this weekend (and I wouldn't wish that on anyone), show him a warm welcome home in the Queensland style of throwing eggs and rotting vegetables at him.

My identity.

Once again my identity is being brought in to question. Many accusations being bandied about, none remotely close. It is I, Joey Rainbow!



After leaving Summer Bay, I took up a career in Sports Journalism which has lead me to my love of the Parrots. I have a tattoo of a Unicorn playing leapfrog with a Dolphin over a rainbow and underneath it says "Dreams are awesome!"

You've just been Rainbow'd!

Why I hate Rove McManus?

I don't normally skew from the world of football to post blogs based on hate but I think you will all appreciate what I am about to do. Is it a rant? Probably not. I just really don't like Rove McManus. In a country full of underrated comedians like Tim Minchin, Lawrence Leung, Dave Hughes and Chris Lilley (don’t care how successful these dudes are, they don’t get a weekly show hence they are underrated or more accurately under-shown on television? I just made a phrase up.) , we get left with the Roves, the dickheads from Fat Pizza and Nick Giannopoulos.

I hate switching on my television, sitting down and seeing a guy that looks like Rattus P. Rattus from The Ferals tell “jokes” (and I use that word incredibly loosely) that seem to appeal to the population of anus sniffing, knuckles draggers walking the backstreets of our less than favourite suburbs. Where did Australian television go wrong? I’d rather watch old Moonface have an hour long show. It’d be hilarious! He could chuck in a few gags about Patty, bring on his woman beating son and even took to his rootable daughter. That would be grand! Instead we get left with the great turd of Australian television who experiences a ratings peak every time he brings Elmo on. He probably thinks it’s due to some cute chemistry the 2 have going on but in reality it is simply the fact that his viewers increase as parents with the same IQ as their 3 year old tune in to watch their favourite character from the street. Awesome.

Rove's doppelganger

But who do we blame? Rove? No. He is some lucky midget that wound up with a TV show. If I had a TV show it’d probably blow too except I’d just get Barney Stinson in every week to give it the punch it needs. Do we blame his parents? No, they tried. Nothing to do with them. Hamish Blake? What would the Australian comedic equivalent of an elevator fart have to do with it? You’re right though, he is like wiping your arse with a toothbrush. Do we blame Channel Ten? Probably. The only ones who dared try to prove wrong the old adage that you can’t polish a turd. Channel Ten found out that you can’t. You end up wasting Brasso, cloth and you get shit everywhere. I mean everywhere! Even a smidge on the Logies, Australia’s night of nights (behind Water Rats reruns and the Allan Border Medal. Am I right or am I right?). We’re just one more ill placed hermaphrodite joke away from a violent outburst at the Logies. I just wish Nick Darcy was invited, he’d sort it out…. Then again, at least Rove isn’t Kyle Sandilands so it isn’t all bad news. Maybe Rove isn’t that bad but he’s at least the white version of Chris Rock. Incredibly overrated, over appreciated and semi-retarded.

The good thing is, Rove Live is a light entertainment program. Light in entertainment, heavy in being shit.

So here it is. My top ten list of people that piss me off:

10. The conservative right.
9. Dicko
8. Cast, crew, writers, producers, backers of Home & Away (except Ashwood and the cast that used to be on Blue Water High).
7. Gus Gould
6. Jarryd Hayne
5. Andrew G
4. Idiots
3. Graham Werner
2. Rove McManus
1. Kyle Sandilands


And my top ten people that should get their own variety/light entertainment show ahead of Rove:

10. Lawrence Leung
9. Dave Hughes
8. Katy Perry, Alyssa Milano & Lily Allen present Celebrity Hot Chick Jelly Wrestling
7. Blue Water High Cast
6. The Janitor
5. Barney Stinson
4. Frank The Tank
3. Kyle Sandilands
2. Bert Newton
1. Graham Werner

Logies, Losers and Less than Perfect Football: A Beginner's Guide to Losing to Your Nemesis

Some have described us as a team who plays champagne football on a beer budget. Some have described our antics as "a non-stop rollercoaster of excitement, punctuated with side splitting gags that make you wanna piss on your neighbours cat" (Sun-Herald 2008). Some call us the awkward Rove McManus joke thrown in at the logies. Some call Hutcho, Gretel Kileen with less Kileen and more Gretel. I call us Parrots.

Unfunny Rove.



Hilarious Rove!

For those of you that don't know. First Rove is a dickhead, the kind of guy who still thinks saying not after everything is the comedic equivalent of splitting an atom. Second Rove is Karl Rove was part of the Bush administration and all round funny man. He believes that you are entitled to your math and he is entitled to his math. So 1+1 may not equal 2 for Karl Rove. Genuine funny guy... Started the Iraq invasion after a prank call gone wrong to George W. Bush.

ROVE: Yeah, I'm one of these terrorist guys and have this weapons that could cause mass destruction.

GEORGE W. : No way!

ROVE: Yeah dude. Serious. They are all explosive and stuff.

GEORGE W.: Just wait til I tell Daddy and Jeb. Lucky I effed over Florida, that Gore pansy would've just planted trees. Ima go postal on Iraq's ass!!!! (drops phone, can be heard singing War in the background)

ROVE: Crap. I think the jackass thinks it's real. His dad did mention something about his dream as a 26 year old was to fight against the Rebel Alliance in the Star Wars. He said the Empire was his life...

GEORGE W.: Hoo... Haaa. War! What is it good for? Absolutely George W.......

And so it was. Karl Rove started it all. As I said, funny dude. Funnier than Rove anyways.

I guess that means I have to talk about yesterday's game and how we played. Played poorly. Lost 5-1. Our goal was a screamer netted by Pops off an equally great cross. Crappy passing. Some players ran their nuts off and others seemed lost. They were quick through the middle, we were Harold Bishop in a world of Usain Bolts. The boys just looked really uncomfortable aside from a few flashes of brilliance where they genuinely looked good (for 30 seconds). Their ball retention was horrible and the possession was almost non-existent. I guess we have to look to skies and hope that they click cos right now they are in a 7 goal with 2 losses against them. Hardly grand final worthy..... Probably Werner's fault.......

We all have one thing to take away from the match, and that is a memory of Daniel fairclough's "attempted" bicycle kick. The intentions were grand, the execution lacked the same pizazz as the intention. Minds were cast back to the great bicycle of 2008 when Reynolds netted what is probably the best goal in the history of Glenhaven football.

So we left the field sad, distraught and generally upset. Have we sunk this low? To lose to Roselea? To battle against the retards of the football world? I hope not. Hopefully it's a slump and we all have slumps, some of us just choose not to have it on the football field. Everyone deserves a facepalm. Well, not everyone... Hopefully everyone works on passing, supporting the player with the ball and giving him easy options instead of the panic station style of kick and hope.

Mr Cool should stop headding the ball. For you, Sir Cool.

And so that finishes Round 2. I've tallied my votes for the Nick Darcy Medal for Bravery, Courage and Sportsmanship. I have scored the book holding the ballots for the Darryl Somers "Why be good at one thing when I can do a few things really poorly?" and selected the nominees for the Andrew G "I'm just like you but cooler, more attractive and have really, really nice hair" Trophy.

So the plays of the day and vote getters were.....

Nathan Ottley - Scored a screamer. Wrong net champ.... I know you are upset about it but it's ok cos we don't really have a great aversion to own goals cos Werner normally nets about 10-15 a year.

Corey "David Copperfield" Knuckles - A handball with no hands and a trip with no body contact. Closest thing I have seen to someone actually using 'the force". Blew my mind! (Blew the ref's whistle, hahaha <---- Rove-style joke)

Graham Werner - The boots are still there. The pace sure isn't. I wonder if Graham has ever seen the front of a soccer player, he sure has seen a lot of their backs.....

Roselea - Look like a combination of librarians, Trekkies and Maths students from UTS. Emabarassing!

Word-of-the-work: Shitstain as in: "That number 17 is a real shitstain".