Uh oh.....

So readers, I was minding my own business when I heard I was in trouble with Mrs Blogger (as usual). See I had mistakenly thought that by buying her a device to enhance our "intimate times", I was doing us a favour and keeping the spark in our relationship. I was wrong.... I have now added this to my list that I will pass down to my Blogger Jr when he is old enough to man a keyboard, as they say. I surveyed a few players to help add to my list and so here is an extract of....

THINGS THAT PISS YOUR GIRL OFF

1. Dildos as presents - you think "great, free dildo shows", she's thinks "this pervert wants to watch me use this"
2. Saying someone elses's name during love-squish time - Sure, you did it right. Candles, fine wine and the dulcet tones of Engelbert Humperdinck but calling out Michelle when the girl wedged firmly between your bedhead, mattress and gimp mask is named Sharon is a sure fire way to get your dick snapped.
3. Disclosing of past deeds - Never mention the menage trois with your old neighbours the Smith twins, never recant the tale of the first time you used a bike tyre, water bottle and jackhammer to make squishee with a cougar and never ever remind her of where she sits on your "Best Roots of All Time List" (We've all got one, Mrs Blogger sits number 53 of 65. Unfortunately, I peaked early)
4. Attempted spelunking - Nothing will kill her eagerness for a bit of afternoon delight quicker than if you little the little parrot knock on the backdoor. Instant castration by many females.
5. Get caught whacking the badger - She won't root you for ages! Hide your porn, don't look at bra catalogues and never ever think you can be ninja enough to rub one out when she's sleeping next to you.

Those are my little nuggets of advice so take heed and keep your woman happy, lest you never see the green, green fields of Glenhaven ever again.

A few of the boys have contributed what has pissed off their past or current partners, so that us males (the Rolls Royce of the genders) can keep the women (the VW Beetle of the genders) semi-content. We all realise that a happy woman is an unattainable fairytale, bred into creation by Hollywood. Happy woman do not occur as a natural phenomenen. They are by definition crabby, suspicisous and deseperate for control. On to the boys for their tips:

Geoff: Rooting someone else generally pisses them off.
Deluca: Apparently bathrooms are not wine production facilities. Who would've thought? Also, don't tell her to go in the front seat of Splash Mountain. Big one!
Edge: Stop calling me Edge, you fuckwit!
Werns: Eating their main, has irritated a few. One of my ex-girlfriends used to order 5 mains so she never really noticed but the other ones have.
George: Eh meh, climaxing when seeing myself doing push ups has turned a few off bro. One, eh meh, one even removed my roof, floor and wall mirrors from the bedroom. Too bad she never found old faithful, Mr Pocket Mirror! Oh yeah!
Mr Cool: Anything you do generally results in a cacophony of squeals, growls and hisses. I just like to hide.
Rens: Eating their birthday cake before anyone puts candles on it or sings to them.
Pricey: When I tell them how much I fucking hate quiches.
Frank: I've never had a woman upset with me. Once I was a ghost so I came back and haunted Demi Moore for a while. She wasn't even pissed just really upset that I wasn't real. Bummer it was pre-Striptease, I really missed the boat on that one.

And there we have it. Keep it secret, keep it safe.