Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Arseface McButtmunch


Hi everyone, my name is Arseface McButtmunch or I go by Richard Wilkins as my stage name. Hey, what is the difference between a washing machine and your mother? The washing machine doesn't follow me round for a week after I dump a load in her. But seriously, I have business.

I am writing from my secret headquarters. It is in a very secret place where nobody has ever been before. Hobart. While I am here I am announcing my intention of world domination. The axis of evil and I have been watching reruns of Heartbreak High and laughing about how we forced Ada Nicadamamamamamdoo onto the world! Bwahahahaha, phase one complete!

What? Hang on a second. Something has come up. Paul McDermott's wife is making us change something. We wanted to be the Axis of Evil but she is making us change it....

I don't like this.....

We're changing our name. We used to be tough. It has been stolen from us! I regret to inform you all, we are no longer the Axis of Evil but the Axis of Social Club. Tshirts are 20 bucks. Email me....

Arseface McButtmunch, out!

:(

Friday, September 18, 2009

Hello.


First it was green boots. Now it's yellow bikinis....


Nelson Aspen, The Olive Branch and I




Nelson Aspen and I - Look at those eyes! DREAMBOAT!



The Blogger waits patiently outside LAX niteclub in Los Angeles. The large black bouncer, wears a smart black button down shirt with pinstriped slacks and shiny jackboots. Large breasted scantily clad women crawl about the path, desperate for their chance to give Charlie Sheen a BJ. One older woman sees Martin Sheen exit and immediately is all over him. Before she can unbuckle his belt, hired security goons remove her.

Martin: Jesus, I am the President! Now I know how Clinton felt...

Goon No. 1: Wow, this muthf*cka still hasn't gotten over the West Wing (in hushed tones to Goon No. 2)

Goon No. 2: Yeah dawg. Stupid ass cracker!

Goon No. 1: Yeah white people are stupid!

Goon No. 2: Hahaha, did you get that from a Chris Rock DVD?

Older Woman: Tell Emilio I loved him in The Outsiders!

Martin: Who the fuck is Emilio? Is that the guy that irons my delicates in DC?

The bouncer unclips the velvet rope separating me from the red velour and black tiled interior of LAX. Young women throw themselves at middle aged men with 'leverage' in the 'industry'. By leverage, I of course men he is a male secretary for a female mail clerk.

Tart #1: Oh my god! This place is amazing!

Tart #2: I think I just fucked Jackie Chan in the janitor's closet!

Me: Excuse me, but I think that guy is the janitor. It says "Janitor" on the back of his jumpsuit and on the front there is a nametag that reads "Miguel".

Tart #2: So?

Me: Jackie Chan isn't a Mexican janitor.

Tart #3: So who are you? What do you do?

Me: Ummm, I'm kind of a writer...

Nelson Aspen: Lame!

With a flourish of his wrist he dismisses the girls now circling me. Their eyes glow green as the neon lighting picks up their sinister smiles. Each one feeling they have just squandered a chance to make it big by not infecting me with some venereal disease.

NA: So, what brings a pretty young thing like you here?

Me: Well I came here to see you... I think we should talk about this olive branch situation.

NA: Ok, so you wanna spank me with an olive branch.

Me: No, it's about your blog.

NA: My blog? Well it's only the most read counterculture, underground, gay hipster, pirate themed thrash metal jazz fusion based weblog in the West Hollywood area!

Me: huh? But it's about the Parrots.

NA: Ahh, not you again. I just had PETA and the RSPCA here yelling at me for using real Parrots in the "Captain Jacks A-Sparrow shoot". I didn't know Simon Rex had done gay porn and I didn't know that birds could catch herpes. Now any further questions will be answered by my legal team.

Me: No. The Parrots Confidential blog. I offered you an olive branch.

NA: What are you talking about? I'm gonna have to ask Kochie about this one...

Me: Kochie? Don't you mean that fuckwit builder guy from all those Jamie Durie 'let's build a house for retards' shows.

NA: Umm, no. he is a fuckwit but I mean Kochie from Channel 7's Sunrise program. You know, the top rating breakfast program that people make joke's about Fifi's box?

Me: But I thought you were that guy?

NA: Oh my god! You don't mean Richard Reid?

Me: Yeah, you. Richard Reid.

NA: Honey, my name is Nelson Aspen and I am a fucking Hollywood correspondent. I can tell you why Emilio Estevez never won an oscar for 'Champions', I can tell you who dyes george Clooney's pubes and if indeed Lady Gaga has man and boy bits.

Me: Then what the fuck does Richard Reid do?

NA: He buys pillows for lounges that don't come with pillows on tv shows that make you wanna put said pillows over his face until the last inch of life is kicked from his limp, brainless corpse.

Me: But I thought he was you. I thought he was at least that semi-normal gay American on Australian tv.

NA: No way. I'm outta here and tell that Richard Reid, I know he's been taping Patti Newton in the shower. He thinks it's Bert. Whacking off over a woman that you think is a man is pretty much the most embarassing act an interior designer can sink to, especially when Underbelly 2 was littered with scenes of Matthew Newton's arse.

Me: Hahaha. What an idiot!

NA: BTW handsome, Emilio never won an Oscar because he married Paula Abdul. 'Opposites Attract' cost him that statue so don't make that mistake. When you get famous, which celebrity will you marry?

Me: Ita Buttrose!

NA: Fist bump that shit!

Me: Nelson, this place is heaps like The Ivy in Sydney right?
NA: No way! This place is full of cocaine swilling reality television stars. The Ivy is full of fuckwits who wear Ed Hardy shirts. Huge difference! It's the kind of place you'd expect to find Dieter Brummer.
Me: Whoa, that bad. Lucky I've never been. Richard Reid has.
NA: I told you he was an idiot. He'd probably try to give Karl Stevanovic a handjob.
Me: He totally did!
NA: Giving the gays a bad name...
Me: See you later Nelson Aspen. Hollywood correspondent and all round sweet dude. I'm glad you clarified that you are not that retarded bloke of Channel 9 who I shall have to track down in my next adventure.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Can I have the 2 minutes it took to read that back?


So. You know how sometimes you get things you didn't ask for? You know how the things are so painfully shit house that you'd rather sit through a Rove McManus monologue or apply vinegar to your freshly circumcised penis? You know these kind of things like a Hey! Hey! It's Saturday comeback or Paul McDermott singing?


"I've come to rape your ears with my boundless talent for turning the human voice and my lack of wit into a glacially paced song loaded with as much humour as a Hey Dad scriptwriter's apology to his wife for nailing Betty in her Walgett"

Well, we got another thing we didn't ask for this week. Another blog from Richard Reid. Apart from the seemingly incorrect use of actors for current Parrots (I had Michelle Kwan as Mr Cool, Tasma Walton as Dowd, Tom Selleck is the correct moustached choice to play Reynolds - Magnum P.I. era of course, Kevin James as Fairclough and that fat guy that played Gimli in Lord of the Rings to play Werns. Actually no, let's go for Oprah. No... Let's go for someone like Tony Robins that ate Gimli and Oprah. We need this character to be proportionately correct). Oh no, I've got caught up in the magic of it all and forgot where I was..... I was giving it to Richard Reid for infecting the internet with such a disgusting excuse for a blog. Reading that blog makes me feel like I did the first time I saw those Nikki Webster pics in FHM. Should I have a boner? Then I saw the non-photoshopped pics and realised that I should not have had a boner. No amount of Sard Wonder Soap can clean your mind of that image and no amount of Jif can scrub this filth from the internet.

I do however have a solution! I am willing to welcome Richard Reid into my internet bossom if we as Australians do one thing. I am willing to help pave the way for him and allow him to be revered in the god-like manner that you adore me. I will share my harem, my riches, my fame/infamy and most importantly my Segway!



So help me. Come along. Help me rid the world of Paul McDermott! I have already cut him out of the Doug Anthony All Stars poster in my bedroom and sang over all his songs. I have re-edited Good News Week to include only the guests, that fat guy who everybody cheers for losing weight even though he is still the biggest fat arse on tv and that awkward blonde completely devoid of funny comedienne. It actually turn into a good show! Wes Carr actually proves he isn't one dimensional and does a stand up job at a mop impersenation. One girl even fucked a mop, thinking it was him. Turns out it was his girlfriend and she reckons the mop is better!

Anyway. Get rid of Paul McDermott. He was born in Adelaide. ADELAIDE! I didn't even think that was still part of Australia. I thought it existed as some outlaw colony run under pseudo-marshall law where bacteria live in houses and Adelaide-ians live in bins as they are the least evolved form of life. I saw a documentary on Adelaide called Mad Max. You should watch it!



Snowtown residents offer bank tours to tourists. Come and chew the vat.... I mean fat.

So Richard, what do you say? Friends? You are such a Ross after all....

Friday, September 4, 2009

I dunno what to do with myself...

The season is over. Pricey is the new Parrot of the Year. Mylanta is on special 2 for $10 at Priceline. I've reviewed the season. I've won Blogger of the Year. Considered learning Spanish. Given up learning Spanish. Found out Spanish in the sexual sense is where you finish on the decollatage. Thinking about Spanish again. Now what?


After the John Della Bosca saga, I thought about doing a political blog but after quickly realising that Mr Della Bosca reminded me of The Man Without A Face and wondering what the bird he nailed really liked about him, I thought about it again. I ruled a line through the political blog.




I flirted with the thought of a fashion blog. I like clothes. I like womens clothes, especially when they are made of fishing line and lace so I thought I could add something positive to the fashion world. Then I saw a woman that reminded me of Werns and I could not do back to back blogs about hemlines on women that look like Mimi Bobeck.



Finance? Is economics the key to my new blogging success? Keynesian economics, Marxist Financial Theory, Alan Greenspan? Would we really find fiscal & monetary policy interesting or would I just try to find nudes of an 83 year old Greenspan. I think it will be the later...



If I rule out those options, could I move to something that garners millions of readers a day. A gossip blog? Would you want to read about Lindsay Lohan's latest lesbian fling at the San Diego zoo or Scarlett Johansson's rumoured 3rd nipple. I'd probably just post pictures of how awesome it would be if Britney Spears was in Twilight so she could pash Rob Pattinson. No blog there...



Maybe celebrity is the answer but not gossip. What about music? I like music. I listen to Taylor Swift. Maybe I could give you all the latest news and answer questions like is Lady Gaga a fucking hack or is she just retarded? Not like heaps retarded just like 3 or 4%. She definitely airbrushes her photos! She's got serious Juice-nose going on too. I hate her...


I dunno what to do. I feel like Tracey Grimshaw getting ready to go out. Should I take a belt sander to my face, put on dress and pretend I am a lady or do I dust off the old brown tux and let everyone know that I am in fact a man. Decisions, decisions.

SIDEBAR: So pissed off I didn't get to see George! In fact I will be following a group of investigators trying to track him down. Maybe I can hire that guy says he found Olivia netwon-John's ex but hasn't so much as shown a photo. He sounds good... Where in the world is George San Diego?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Blogies

As we creep forward to the night of nights and everyone is anticipation playing that wizard game (which I understand is less like a game and more like a one man beer snake competition made from empty tinnies) it is time to announce the award categories for the Blogies! Yes, just like the Logies but with no Darryl Summers *sad face*.

This year awards (hopefully trophies if I can get my mits on some by Saturday night) will be awarded in the following categories:-

- Most Outstanding Performance in a Season Ending Injury

- Most Situps in Minute & Creation of Patented Abdominal Training Device

- Most Work Hours Worked Outside of Normal Working Hours

- The Bronze Blogie - The Bestest Newest Nickname Award - *nominations will remain open until presentation

- The Silver Blogie - Most Stolen Goals & Credit aka Mr Coat Tail Rider

- The Gold Blogie - Blogger's Favourite Subject Matter

If anyone knows where I can get 6 cheap trophies on a quick turnaround, please let me know cos I now have 2 business days to pull together an entire awards how and I'm not Hugh Jackman. Please help! theparrotblogger@gmail.com

I'd also like to take this time to thank anyone who has any involvement in planning this weekend's festivities.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Night of the Parrot!

Guys.... I wish I was coming. I wish that I could be there to eat food from the over priced spit or drink cans of VB's but I cannot... $25 for some burnt meat off a butcher hired spit with salads provided by the bin behind Woolies is too steep and I cannot get Mrs Blogger to part with the cash for that, couple of dolphin chokers full of Australias finest most tasteful beer under $11 a sixer and a pack of Peter Jackson lung fuckers.

I know we all enjoy Parrot night as the night we sit around and eat in gala fashion with speeches and award presentations. It's like the Allan Border medal - Frankston edition. Enjoy your night fellas, my presence will go largely unnoticed thanks to fact I'll be emailing my honour role and presentation speech to Reynolds this year. We've discussed it and because he's been stuffing donuts in his face, he hasn't had the time to write his usual 2 minute thanksgetting speech. Instead I am the brain behind the pen this year and I will only be using fat arse as my communication medium.

Have fun ladies.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Poor Sports "Journalism"

He's at it again... Richard Reid. I've tried to reach out to Richard personally to increase his viewership, I've tried to give him some tough love (unfortunately not the tough love he requested. That tough love involved a 3 metre length of rope, steel spikes, baby wipes, 5 litres of motor oil and some football headgear) through this blog but none of it has worked. He continually goes about reporting based on rumour, sexual inuendo (in-his-endo! ZING!!!) as well as a lack of proper moral & ethical standards (Yes my morals are loose but not as loose as Richard's. He once swallowed a hamburger whole to show off in front of his new lover but unfortunately he forgot about his destroyed rectum and the burger fell out whole...... on the set of Random Acts of Kindness..... NOT COOL!)



The lies that are published in his "blog" (if we can lower ourselves to call an internet gossip column a blog) are an insult to us as members of the reading public. I adore good literature (once waited in line for 3 days for the latest Danielle Steele novel, worth it!) and abhore false or misleading journalistic claims.



I have secured a number of phone interviews in response to P CON's claims.



BallsToFeet: Do you guys really feel hurt by my actions as a blogger and the light in which I portrayed you?



Deluca: No, not at all. I think it's a fair representation of who we are and the roles which we play in the team. It made my skin crawl to be represented like that. There has been no legal action against BTF, which is probably the premier sports blog in the country.



Mr Cool: From a viewership standpoint, I can see what he (Richard Reid) is trying to do. It's a tough market with exceptional competition... Oh golly gosh, my Rhogan Josh is burning...



Dowd: I feel great just to be counted in with these guys and be mentioned by the greatest sports journalist since Ian "The Bear" Maurice. Sometimes I think about how us Jews have had it hard. We've put up with a lot of shit but now we have people to look up to. As long as I am mentioned in the press then it's good exposure for us. I was talking to that one Jewish guy in Mad Men and we were talking about how BTF has contributed more to the Jewish community in this last season than any self deprecating Jewish comedian has done in the last 6-years. BTF humanises us and makes people realise that as Jews, we are part human.



Werns: Wow, I can't believe the lies that have spurted forth from that degenerate. I love BTF and the light I am shown in. As an intellectual I look at what he does to me and I piss myself. I have always considered myself as a great user of the Queen's English so when I see myself portrayed as someone who can barely speak, it's polarising for people. BTF and I get the joke and that's all the matters. I'm not some retarded jackass who wipes my arse with one hand and types with the other, like Richard Reid. Richard Reid is an anangram for rider chadri and I think that suits him fine. Chadri obviously being another name for a burqa, he is the rider of oppression and infinite abuse. When history has it's pages written you'll find a long list of names looked at in a bad light from Stalin to Hitler to Kim Jong Il to Richard Reid, these people will be remembered like a penis in a porno, an absoloute boner killer but who need them to show you how good the rest of the shit is....



BTF: Wow, what an analgy.



Werns: I don't have no allergy.



BTF: I said analgy.



Werns: Anal? I'm not a poof.



BTF: Forget it.... Hutcho?



Hutcho: I love BTF!!!! Funniest thing since Kyle Sandilands on Enough Rope with Andrew Denton!!!! I'd also like to go on record and say that the quote used on P CON was wholey inaccurate and not the way I feel about Andrew Reynolds at all. He is obviously one of the senior players that everyone looks to for guidance. I don't wanna say hero but.... Fuck it, I do wanna say hero. He's probably the greatest football mind and coupled with his ability it is the best package in GHFA football you'll see going round. If not for the mistakes of others, he'd be leading goal scorer and we'd be playing the Grand Final this weekend. He was played in the wrong position a number of times this year and only given a chance at one free kick. By being limited like that, he still outshone everyone else and proved in the last game, he is the most threatening dead ball kicker in the game. If someone is a better natural, team orientated striker in the world, I've never seen them...



Wow! That is exclusive evidence about the lies and filth that Richard Reid spreads. Let's face it, would you let this guy through your front door?









Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Friends

Now that the season is over and I have regaled a tale of my younger years, you all seem to have a thirst for more knowledge about who I am and what I do. Well, I suppose you all want to know what the names of all my friends are and what they do. Well get ready and open up your knowledge basket cos he come the facts.

You've already met Nuts.

You've already met Shooter.

Wheels is a close friend. He lives in Coober Pedy which I believe is wedged somewhere in the affluent area between Pitt Town & McGraths Hill. He enjoys long work hours and.... Well that's all he really likes.

Leonard is a man of English descent who despite living in Australia for close to 30 years speaks with a thick accent when drunk & around ladies. He has set both the indiviudal and double sit-up world records when he entered the sit-up world champs last year. He entered the doubles by himself and still flattened the competition. Rumours are abound that one night he went for a swim in the Atlantic and this passenger ship called the Titanic and hit him then sunk. I've looked for the answer on snopes.com but nothing so far...

Baldwin is the theatre lover amongst us. An accomplished thespian and television actor, he once had a pivotal role in Water Rats where they wound up in an alternate dimension where he had to give a handjob to Jay L'aigua. In his normal dimension or universe he had to give the handjob to Gary Sweet. He had a similar role in Stingers where he had to give a handjob to Frankie J. Holden and a recurring spot on Home & Away where he gives Morag a handjob. Don't worry, I thought she was meant to be a female too. Turns out she's a hemmy like Lady GaGa.

Henkel Goldstein is our frugel Jewish friend. He was raised in a catholic household but was adopted from a Dan Brown book at an early age. Apparently he has a direct lineage to Jesus, unfortunately not Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus was a fairly common name back then. His lineage is in fact to Jesus Luz who of course is Madonna's new boyfriend.

Waqar is an avid supporter of the Boston Red Sox. He also supports Liverpool. We're guessing he'll be supporting whoever wins the NRL Grand Final and Super Bowl this year.

Azradin is our Pakistani pal. He has HHHUUUUGGGGEEEEE ears and cannot price you a cheap naan oven. He will however let you launch a Jihad from his backyard using Russian artillery and Inzamam-ul-Huq.

I think you've been hit with enough knowledge today. Maybe we'll continue later and I can tell you about Nectar. He's a funny guy. Big nose and all!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Orly?+

"I am zee guy zat has beens stalking zis Shooter man. I wants him more than zat Burberry and suede satchel by Marc Jacobs"

It's Over

The season's over boys and now we're left with this sick feeling in our collective stomach. Where do we take it now? What do we do? How can we live a life where we don't see each other? I must admit, I'm getting emotional.

It casts my mind back to when I was a 17 year old young man, out on the prowl. It was the summer of 1999 and I'd gotten my licence in July of that year. My best friends and I used to go for a drive, still relishing our newly found independence. We'll say for privacy purposes that Shooter and Nuts were there names and we were a 3 man wolf pack. Hunting down car boot sales and wine tastings, being fierce young predators of the female variety.

Shooter was a baby faced 5ft 6in womanizing monster. An avid fan of the Stargate television series and obscure sports like Lacrosse he had an air of mystery about him that the ladies liked, or more correctly several of the ladies liked. He often took to the dance floor to exhibit his cat like manoveurs with the crowd that such agile and quick motions deserved. One time we snuck into Rooty Hill RSL while they were hosting WSFM's Jukebox Saturday. Shooter danced from 9:30pm to 10:15pm without even stopping to grab a complimentary soft drink. Like I said, the dude was a party animal.

Nuts was more of a rotund, less elegant mass that enjoyed bad food and even worse women. He preferred to adorn himself in garish garments and radically overstated novelty items like liquor branded belt buckles. His weight proved no issue in his mind and thus he strode about in a gnome-like wimsy. Nuts struggled with the English language and tended to speak in grunts and other garbled tones that neither Shooter nor I fully understood but we let him tag along because if it was only two of us, we'd look like massive fags.

As Shooter was the trend-setter amongst us, he brought us countless items of interest that were ahead of the curve. Like way ahead of the curve! Like the first day of kindergarten he wore a hypercolour t-shirt. At first everyone was like, "What the fuck is that????". 4 Years later the rest of the world new. He had Reebok Pump baby booties, the guy was just that far ahead. This took him far as by his 20th birthday he'd become Karl Lagerfield's new muse and was once pinned down in an Swedish Snow Cabin by both Dolce & Gabbana. Anyway, this one day he brough us our most prized possession, the very first CRAIG DAVID CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I am not for swearing or taking the Lord's name in vein but this particularly day I screamed something about goats, Jesus in a fluoro jumpsuit and a rumoured guy named George who can do 4 situps per second. Shit was crazy!

Now you may say that it didn't come out til 2000 but that is how far ahead of the curve, young Shooter was. For the next 3 months we drove around in Nuts' Nissan Exa playing Craig David at the loudest possible volume. It was at that moment that Nuts all of a sudden belted out "Took her for a drink on Tuesday, did in the arse on Wednesday". Our jaws dropped and we were amazed to hear his first words. That was when Shooter and I realised we were best friends.

Pictures


The offending CD







The car owned and adored by Nuts



Fans of Shooter, petitioning for him to star in Clover Moore's biopic "Oh my Lord (Mayor): More of Moore, The Clover Moore Story"



Nuts on his all-grape diet

P.S. Guys, I am debating whether or not to come to Parrot night. Would I be stealing someone's thunder by planning something when something else was already planned? Probably...

P.P.S. I completely got caught up and forgot to mention how I caught up with George

P.P.P.S. Have we all had enough of the blog this year or should I keep going so I can tell the summer tales of Hutcho making out with a dude in his new play while I hit play on my ghetto blaster pumping out Kate Cebrano singing "Kiss me passionately...." at 400 decibels? I think I'll keep going cos that shit will be priceless.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Happy 100 Posts!

That's right guys, this post is number 100! It's taken a little while and we've had a lot of fun but we made it.

I thought in honour of this accomplishment, I shall post a picture of the one guy worse than Graham at dancing.

funny animated gif
Jean Claude god damn!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Frank?

As I was scowling the internet looking transgender peoples to verify the existance of Lady Gaga's ding dong (you didn't click the link, did you?). I came across Frank. Frank doing some very unFranklike things.... Namely being a...... DUH DUH DAH!!!! BLACK MANWOMAN FROM ATLANTA!!!!!!

"Hi, my name is Fran... uh... I mean Shaquanda Tanaqueka Jones. What chu talkin' bout? You know I love hot wings! I like your hot wing! You don't know me, don't act like you know me!"

The Warriors

Special mention goes to the guys who showed up at 1pm on Sunday for our game.


Good work Fairclough, Eunice, Nathan, Cottee, Dowd, Frank, Hutcho, Mr Cool & Rens. You have made an old man very hard.... I mean happy... yeah, happy!


For those that couldn't make it, it was unfortunate. One player more and we would've smoked 'em. I guess this post can serve as a kind of tribute to all you fags who couldn't be there. Cos while we were playing, they were.....


George was oiling his abs and snacking on a carb-free juice bar. (No not Juice's bar)


Graham was trying to convince everyone he'd won THE race. Really, detectives just chased him down a hill and lost him. Apparently there is a warrant out for his arrest as he was discovered to be what was eating Gilbert Grape.


The Juice was trying to track down Tim Bailey's weather report. He had planned to ask him if he wanted some freshly squeezed nuts and then after waiting for Tim's, "which nuts?" reply, grabbing and thrusting his own nuts in the direction of the spray tanned midget, while screaming "THESE NUTS!!!!".


Edge was at the court house trying to change his name back to Reg. Judge responded with "Son, you need to be more careful. That internets can be a real motherfucker." Name remians as Edge...


English was busy being English in England. That involves getting pantsed by the worst Australian cricket captain in the history of Trevor Chappell. Those internets, really can be a motherfucker.


Nick Deluca was at a lunch in the city. How lovely! Unfortunately he left his penis at home and Erin has refused to give him back his balls so until he finds it, he is stuck in a state of gender mystery. Much like Lady Gaga and those hemmy rumours. (Srsly click the link)


Pops was at... Pops was.. Where the fuck was that guy? Oh right, Christening. No, completely understandable. I know when I was Christened, Uncle Blogger was at Rosehill backing "Rocket Raider" in the 5th. Never forgave that prick........ I told him if he was ditching my Christening, could he throw a pineapple on "Carmen Homefirst" in the 7th (Paying $32 on the nose!). He didn't and "Carmen" came home first by about 9 lengths. Said to mum, that if Uncle Blogger comes round ever again, he'll leave a gelding.


Is that it? Is that all we were missing?


New coach for next year? Kenny Powers has the job!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Introducing.....

What I like best about this photo is what The Juice is saying without saying anything. It's his piercing eyes that are saying "Hello Mrs Robinson, I've come to clean your pool and play with your vagina....."


Friday, August 7, 2009

How To Waste Your Votes

WHAT A WASTE! he's played like 3 games this year. Probably should've been directed to a Cottee or a Dowd or a Rens. You know, the 3 favourites to take out this years Andrew Baxter Memorial Award for Excellence in the Field of Goodness. Nick Deluca might get the Ryan Baxter Encouragement Award "Baxter'll Do It..... in about 18 Years".

Names have been changed to protect their identity.


danielle fairchild to me
show details Aug 3 (4 days ago) Reply


Hi AB,
Hope you saw the game on Saturday it was a cracker I hit a volley 25m out and it crashed into the cross bar…
Any ways please see below how much of a jerk deluca is




From: Younis [mailto:ykhan@eunis.com]
Sent: Monday, 3 August 2009 11:43 AM
To: Fairchild, Danielle
Subject: RE:

That second goal he scored was a cracker though… And then after I voted for him, he last minute bailed on coming over on Sat night. Should have known better! Haha

Regards Younis




From: Fairchild, Danielle
Sent: Monday, 3 August 2009 11:41 AM
To: Younis
Subject: RE:

You voted for Deluca….. Yuk! I never vote for that guy it goes to his head too often.


From: Younis
Sent: Monday, 3 August 2009 11:40 AM
To: Fairchild, Danielle
Subject: RE:

He sure did… getting better as the season goes on. I know he normally sucks but Deluca played a bit awesome on the weekend too. He got my 3 votes!

Regards Younis

I Do Prank Calls Good


What's the difference between Kevin Federline & Graham Werner?


While they both weigh about 150 kilos, one is hilarious and the other has been making a prank call or two while he has been entering himself in the competitve eating section of Channel 9's Wild Winter Weekend.


It is alleged that there was a phone call to rens earlier in the week that consisted of:


"Hey.... You're a fat fuck....... Ummmm........ You're fat....... *unintelligible garble* fatty....... *mumbles* What should I say guys??? Oh, yeah. Big dick prick. You're fat......... This is funny right guys??? Then why are none of you laughing??? Fat....."


While the truth of Graham's comments cut to the core of Rens like a lazer beam full of self hatred and physical discomfort. Rens can take comfort knowing that if George ever needed a wingman (Ha, as if that would ever happen! He doesn't need a wingman, in fact wingmen just detract from his staggering figures of female bedding conquests) he'd most likely pick the chiselled features and slighlty obtuse frame of Andrew "I'd like to Juan Antonio you're Samaranch" Reynolds to the disgustingly rotund and now we can announce, human incarnation of the Purple People Eater, Graham "I singlehandedly drove the American bison to point of extinction before they were brought back to safer numbers by eating them all and being the first person to champion the product, beefalo" Werner. Check and mate....

Thanks for the laughs tubby. Shoulda been a rapper....


"If someone starts an avalanche at the snow fields, it wasn't me, ok?"

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The President & I



That my friends is Vladimir Putin topless, feeding a horse, in some mountauin range with mirrored lenses on his favourite glasses. What does it have to do with us? Everything! See, Vladimir Putin is like Graham Werner. They both think they are really important when the team is around, going as far as handing out instructions and advice but the moment they turn around, the action begins.





Take Saturday for instance. A day that should lay claim to being an historic event. We won and won well without the "advantage" of Graham Werner's presence. Sure, the back was tighter, faster and fitter than it had been all year and Rens really controlled the middle but what we all loved was thinking about that fat fuck being shirtless, feeding a horse in some mountain ranges wearing his most favouritest cheapest $12:00 servo sunnies. Look around, take a deep breath and enjoy the serenity that surrounds you.... P.S. Don't eat the 3ft marshmallows running around, they're called children!





I am glad we won, it was great because we all feel it deep within our bones. We've strived to achieve the unachieveable. Thought to think the unthinkable. Attempted to attain the unattainable and Werns has even eaten the inedible. I enjoy my weekend Juice as much as the next guy (man not the beverage) and it will not seeing him this weekend but we must take it..... Hark. "Take it where?", you say. Why the next level of course. We're talking pennant time bitches!!!!!!!!!!




Unfortunately, it looks like we may only have 9 players and that's if Craig Hutchinson gets over his period, sniffles or whatever reason he felt under the weather on Tuesday. 9 players!!! Can we still win? YES! I say we go out and give it our best. No, Nick Deluca won't be there as Sunday is training day as he aims for this years Tour de Fag unicycle race.


"Gotta get to the finish to see Perez Hilton at the Gala Dinner tonight. Hope he thinks my outfit is Faboosh!" *SNAPS*

Some of the boys are down the snow this weekend and that's been planned for ages so I don't blame them. In fact everyone deserves a week off every now and then. So while they are riding the Pink runs at Perisher, sipping on a Hot Toddy and giving each other back massages, let's go out and position ourselves for the pennant boys! We need a win this weekend, a big one. So Hutcho, pull out your tampon, Franky dust off those boots, Cottee bring Commitment the Dog, Fairclough win back that golden boot and Dowd strap on your bestest favourite sports yamaka, we're gonna win us some pennant boys!

1, 2, 3... NO DILDOS!!!!!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Athletes

Hey guys. I'm the blogger. I am happily married to my wife, we have to kids and I'm doing they're aunty on the side. My hobbies are woodwork, photography and music. I used to like Kings of Leon a lot before they started playing them on 2dayFM.

Being a blogger is like an episode of Beyond 2000, fucking awesome! This weekend was great. We went from the lows of getting a game stolen from us to snatching a draw from our arch nemesis. Lemme break it down:



SATURDAY


Started off great. Got up to a score of 4-2 with some great goals and efforts. Fairclough's back post header was "CENTIMETRE PERFECT" and Dowd's 6 yard tap in went way above the posts. You could've put a goal on top of the goal and it still would've missed.

Either way, the effort put in to get to that scoreline was all for nought because of 3 plays:-

- Mr Cool unfortunately didn't realise you cannot hip check players in the box Fulton Reed style. A bash brother you may be, Pele you are not. While Gunnar Stahl maybe feeling tingly from you laying a guy out, you'll get no BJ action from Julie the Cat thanks to that indiscretion. So next time you are channelling Fulton Reed, just wear a bandana instead.


- It wouldn't be a loss without a Graham Werner incident now would it? From the day you a born, you are told to communicate with the keeper so you can organise your defensive strategy. Graham might as well have sent Price a letter from Cuba when he attempted to call Price's ball from about a metre inside halfway! As soon as Graham and the player he was marking crossed halway, he was yelling out "Keeper's!". Price responded correctly "No". I would have added a few expletives highlighting the laziness of said defender, lack of marking the attacking player and all round defensive inefficiency of defending player. Lay off the Nintendo dude...




- Crazy or Batshit crazy as I like to call him. Well Crazy went fucking mental on Saturday and decided to get in on the Bash Brothers act with little result. I know the guy is called Crazy right, but I was thinking he should be more along the lines of Rain Man cos the dude is retarded. Thanks for leaving us with 10 men. Last week I said by Football Fans, for Football Fans, no dildos. I was wrong, you're the dildo, Rain Man!


..... and that is how the West was lost. Save for those 3 incidents we go on to win 4-2. Head scratcher ain't it?


SUNDAY

I really liked the Sunday game we played this week. There were a lot of positives but most of all I was just happy because the boys played like athletes and not FATletes like normal. The rain tumbled down..... everyone slipped and slid....... Frank got a YELLOW CARD!!!!!!! Awesome!

I will highlight 2 things on today's performance.

No. 1 - The unmarked guy at the top of the box screaming out your fucking name is not doing it to get attention like some bag lady in Taylor Square. No, no, no. He is doing it because if you pass the ball within a 2 metre vicinity of him, he will score. Ill advised pot shots from the corners are the wrong play. We call it Fred Coiro Syndrome (FCS) or Phantom Conscious Ailment (PCA). FCS and PCA basically boil down to the same thing. Where in a game of basketball Fred Coiro would jack up contested 3 after contested 3, sometimes from as far away as 38 feet, he would do so without any regret, remorse or guilt. This is especially prevalent when a teammate is ina better position to make a higher percentage play. The lack of conscious guilt shown when making such a play is the only symptom of FCS or PCA.


Long time FCS and PCA sufferer - Stirling Mortlock

No. 2 - Mr Cool's Redemption and last minute Bruce Lee Enter The Dragon -esque kick to score the winning goal. Hats off to you... I take back what I said, maybe you are Pele. The Indian Pele. Pele Singh, famous for his tikka naan and unruly turban.


P.S. Highlight 3 was:
Referee: "We can't it's a head injury"
Rens: "You're a head injury! ZING!!"

WeTube

Today's ref via youtube.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Fuck Richard Reid

I had a really nice blog planned that would've highlighted our great performance on the weekend but instead my attention was drawn to that fucking moron, Richard Reid and his new blog. I had a nice little piece to run about an exciting victory, Nicolas Deluca screaming "twwwoooooooo" at his bestie Andrew Reynolds after his 2nd goal and some good old fashioned Hutcho beat downs after his personal excursion to NIDA instead of attendance at the Fortress.


Now, let it never be said that I think competition is a bad thing, in fact I welcome it. It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth, kinda like the bad taste Richard Reid left in Todd McKenney's mouth after laste year's Logies. Instead this herpes infested mule:




Whoops. That's the London shoe bomber Richard Reid not the herpes infested mule I was thinking of...... or maybe...... Can you get the internets inside a Colorado Supermax??????? Anyway, I think it's this chicken fucking lunatic that's the opposition blogger:

Richard Reid after visiting the stables finds out you really can have a 3 way with 2 horses - "I fink my jaw 'ill be lock like dis for weeks. Shoulda jus let Makybe this Diva up the batty...."





Like I said I don't mind the competition, normally but I must take issue with the branding of his blog. "Parrots Confidential with Richard Reid" evokes some kind of vagina related female gossip rag. We here at Balls To Feet are opposed to have having any names of any contibuting writers involved with any titular section of our blog. We do not whore ourselves around like a set of phone books at Rove McManus photo shoot. We are Balls To Feet, by football fans for football fans, NO DILDOS! Parrots Confidential is by a cock loving Romanian window washer for drape adoring pansies. Balls To Feet readers have balls between our feet, our nuts are just that fucking big that gravity has taken a hold and they live at our ankles. So you choose, Balls To Feet or Richard Reid's (not shoe bombing guy) balls between your teeth.

Parrots Confidential with Richard Reid (PCWRR) also got another fact wrong! I work off a laptop and the porn key is way bigger than the music key dbag!


Also does Andrew Reynolds really eat pancakes? I went to breakfast once with the dude and he orders a full Englisg Breakfast with a mixed grill on the side. He almost loves meat as much as the non-shoe bombing Richard Reid but in unfathomably different ways. Let me illustrate:




ANDREW REYNOLDS TYPE OF MEAT HE LOVES








TYPE OF MEAT RICHARD REID (NOT SHOE BOMBER) LOVES



Richard is not one to speak about about putting things in arses. I secured an exclusive interview with Todd McKenney. We asked him to pick out of a line up who gave him herpes. The evidence speaks for itself....



"Him. That's the guy that fucked me in the ass, left me in the park in a sex coma with drugs on my person. Richard Reid, I'd come after you so bad if you didn't get me cheap Hannah Montana merchandise you herpes ridden mule!!!!!"

I guess it's up to you guys. Who do you wanna follow? A terrorist or me? If you hate freedom, democracy, breasts, a God given right to porn, red meat, beer and Australia I can see why you would side with a shoe bombing crazy man. I guess it's UnAustralian to follow Parrots Confidential but that's a choice you'll have to make.

Always remember we are Balls To Feet, by football fans, for football fans, NO DILDOS!


Friday, July 17, 2009

The Baloney Fisherman

Nicolas looks up and catches the eye of his best friend. The man he admires, follows and strives to be like. Reynolds looks back at Nick and says "Why are you looking at me weird?"


Nick cannot explain and fumbles for a response "Um.... uh...... look at me???"


"Hahaha, good one" chuckles Reynolds as he laughs off what he thinks is a joke.


"Phew" exclaims Deluca, happy in the knowledge that he escaped an awkward situation with the man he calls number one.


"Now guys" grunts Werner, interupting what was a nice moment, "We need to just shoot more..."

The boys drift off into a temporary slumber as Graham regales them of days gone by when shooting more resulted in scoring goals. The round headed man towards the back of the shrinking crowd wears his sunglasses with purpose, waiting for everyone to notice. The leather vest he sports screams 1 part recently outed lesbian and 1 part Lord of the Rings reenactment enthusiast. He steps forward and with a draw from his cigarette announces "I'm back!".


"Ah, Geoff..." a number of the boys reply with indifference. "Didn't know Geoff's big gay ride on his big gay bike was this big gay weekend. Welcome back you big fruit!"


P.S. Hutcho needs some help rehearsing a scene for his new play and is nervous ask if you'd help him out.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Again....

Once again everyone decides to take holidays before season is over and it has resulted in three of the most fucked things I've ever had to witness.

No. 1 - Werner steering his fat ass around. It looked like he was trying to drive a bus on an ice rink. I can't believe he scored. It's horrible!

No. 2 - Letting a team score 11 against us is just sad. I feel bad for those who I witnessed try their darndest but it was the lazy few that cost them. Whether it was Fairclough having a few Appletinis in the city, Cottee attending a weekend intensive hairdressing workshop to expand his horizons (and work an almost technically impossible 167 hour week) or Reynolds trialling for Australia's Biggest Loser, it was the absentees that cost us. I tip my hat to those brave and true who did their best.

No. 3 - Hutcho should not be allowed internet access when he is on his period cos I just received this:-

"Dear anonamous Blogger, You wanna rib me for not turning up last week, go ahead I can take it. Being injured and turning up to the game I would have still played, because I can't help myself, but not turning up at all with no injury present is just fucked. To those brave sould that turned up today to face a strong 11 man Gladesville side you need a medal or some big fucking trophy. With only 9 men in the first half and driopping to 8 in the second due to Pops having to leave, we played with heart and spirit and never once gave up. Forfeit I hear you say? Would have only lost 3-0 I hear you say? FUCK that. I'd rather go down fighting and lose 11-1 than forfeit a game. Our defence in the first 30 mins was spirited to say the least. We were playing like posessed Parrots. Of course it wasn't going to end up well with injuries to boot and fatigue destined to set in, but not one of us gave up.......NOT ONE. Write about that Mr Absentee......"

I don't understand why I have become the target of his mid-menstrual rage but I shall rebut a few points and clarify some others.

I understand Hutcho's angst over the lack of numbers. To me it is stomach churning but don't for a second think running about in the city and ordering peach schnapps with a girl half your age is an acceptable reason for non-attendance.

Kudos to you! I agree, I'd rather play 90 minutes and get a real result, sense of accomplishment and hang out with Frank than hand in a "not coming to the kick-off, love The Parrots" letter to the ref.

Again, I agree. I had a boner just watching some of you fuckers give it your all. Although Dowd did go missing for large periods in the game for no apparent reason. He did have a hanky and was sobbing the words to Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough". MIght have had something to do with it.....

Mr Absentee? Who is that? I defy you to run over to me on your poorly constructed ankles and say that to my face! I was there at Morrison Bay. I witnessed it and I'm pissed of at it too! I don't know who the fuck you think I am so I will tell you. My name is Alex Fucking Dimitriades and I was in The Heartbreak Kid bitch, which then spawned Heartbreak High, home of Drazic so stick that up your ass! So next time you take a Sunday of to go rollerblading at Manly and share milkshakes with some young lady (or boy, I don't discriminate - it's probably a boy though, right?) don't come pointing the finger at me and hurling wild accustaions. I am the Blogger. Insinuating that I am anything less than a demigod is tantamount to heresy. Arsehole...

Sunday, July 5, 2009

"Awww, shit....."



I feel it apt to name today's blog after a quote from the big fat man himself. Hats off to you.

To the fags who didn't show up, fuck you! Way to leave us stranded with 10 men. I also believe our policy at the beginning of the year was injured players still attend matches especially home ones! I know of 2 injuries and those players should have still attended. Hutcho and Deluca..



Actually I am not entirely sure what happened to Lay-Down-Deluca but news has filtered through rather quickly that he was at Captain Snooze picking up a new pillow. Wear the other one out did we champ????

No Hutcho cos Hutcho was in the city. Photo above provides the evidence but he was also seen in LA sporting a blonde actress as pictured below. Crazy times!

Who knows what he'll do next? Everyone is going to his next play though. I have a camera set up and a red light ready to stick out the front. Shirts off and pucker up Hutcho, you'll be kissing some dude named Steve!

If anybody is interested, I'm collecting money for a present for Cottee. I know he's 26 and played soccer for almost 20 years but I thought it was about time we all invest in buying Cottee a copy of "MY FIRST BOOK OF SOCCER RULES"! I'll highlight the passage about hacking knees from behind in the box equals a penalty...... What a guy......

Remember when Werner sat on the ball and it almost popped? Jerk.....

This game pissed me off. At least I picked up the new book by Geoffrey Werner & Hayden Cooper called 'The Mechanics of Love - A Couples Guide to Port Douglas'. Good read.....

P.S. Dowd as spotted in Melbourne with some locals.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Excerpts From A Lovely Life - Frank's Twitter

My name is Frank and I'm the cause of a whole new generation of addicts. Some people like me but most people love me and they are diagnosed Frankaholics. You can bask in the glow of my awesomeness and join your fellow man to admire how freaking sweet I am. Just read my lessons of life and enjoy it. Here are my twitter entries from my day....

12:49pm: Decide it's time for a walk. Outshine the sun.....

1:32pm: Download the new Miley Cyrus single off iTunes. Delete it after one listen when I realise it sounds nothing like Achy Breaky Heart.

2:16pm: Can't be bothered doing situps for my abs. My abs agree and instantly grow. I look like Peter Andre from hip to shoulder.

3:24pm: Sick of abs. Tell them to go back to normal.

4:01pm: Get called to hospital to help sort another child out. Poor kid had a lazy eye. I present my beautiful face and immediately the kid's eyes look at me. Another miracle performed. I thought everyone knew that you need 2 eyes looking directly at Frank, to handle the beauty.

4:02pm: Kid's head explodes from my beauty..... Darn side effects....

4:47pm: Call my mate Willie Nelson. He's flying out this week just to hang out. We're getting matching American Indian tattoos. He smokes so much weed.......

5:29pm: Saw a Lady GaGa film clip. Does anyone get her?

6:01pm: Prawns for dinner. I thought I told Hutcho I don't eat shellfish as a main! I'm gonna have to choke a bitch!

7:01pm: Home & Away is on.... Boring!

7:47pm: Went to Hooters. Looks like I am expecting 8 junior Franks in about 9 months.....

8:36pm: Tired after the 9 way with the Hooters girls. too many Buffalo Wings. I'm going to bed.....

Graham Goes Goth.......


Sunday, June 28, 2009

4-0

We did it... we did it.... we fucking did it!!!!!!!!

Way to catch a win fellas. It was awesome to sit atop my perch and be happy with our performance. Instead of a blow by blow detailed account let's just discuss the best parts.

Pops scored 3 goals and it was brilliant to see a team performance get him there. He did score a cracker from a free kick but it was probably the goal which went from Juice to Dowd to Pops to back of the net that gave me my biggest stiffy this year.

Speaking of stiffys, you probably could a put a stiff cold corpse out there instead of Werns and we would have played even better. It was the worst performance as a captain I have ever seen! Remember when you used to have atheltics carnivals at school and there was always the fat kid that came but didn't participate. Not through lack of physical ability but just resigned to the fact that he was too fat to actually be competitive. That's how I felt about Graham's perfomance. Maybe if he had steered clear of his competitive eating hobby and ditched out on the Sydney OPen Hot Dog Eating comp the night before he could have been more use than the lead weight he was. Like an anchor deployed too early, he just slowed us down. Thanks fat man...

The racially insensitive Graham Werner paints himself black as a tribute to Michael Jackson in Friday's Sydney Open Hot Dog Eating Competition. Graham won the 185kg division and then proceeded to eat all the competitors from the 150kg division.

Nick Deluca's 25 second perfomance was a thrilling tribute to his heros. Later Nicolas tipped his hat towards Sonny Bill and Gasnier saying "My injury prone career mirrors the greats and I'm right up there with them". Unfortunately Nick fails to realise that these are two of the most overrated NRL players of all time, providing headlines more for their unavailability due to injury than actual onfield performances. Nick gets our new award this week because doctors actually diagnosed Nick with an overdose of Deep Heat and no actual physical injury. In
honour of our favourite Olympian Nick wins the.....


..... "Lay Down Sally Award". When it all becomes too much, just take a break, have a lie down or make like Deluca and sub off.

Brendan Dowd's goal was a fun little number too.

I really liked the Asian kid who fell down when any off the Parrots breathed on him. What a legend!

Rens pushed an Indian kid. After the game Mr Cool pushed him back. Mr Cool said there's safety in numbers and there is like a billion of them! Mr Cool withdrew his omment when he realised the rest of the world is against him because he has denied getting cheap naan ovens for the rest of the globe.

That'll do for the match report. Nice win turds!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Waste of my 30th blog in 30 days..... I don't care....

Watson: I've got this great Michael Jackson joke.

Holmes: It's not about him touching children is it?

Watson: No don't be stupid. That would be disgusting.

Holmes: Go on then....

Watson: Michael Jackons walks into a bar....

Holmes: No he didn't. He's dead.

Watson: ......... I see your point........

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Target Set & Almost Made

At the start of June, I made a pact with myself. I'd make 30 blogs in 30 days for the month of June. I am one more blog away and I need your help. Vote for who the blog should be centred around and really get involved. This is a blog for the people by the people... more accurately, this person a.k.a. me a.k.a. The Blogger a.k.a. Rob Schneider....



http://www.addpoll.com/vote" method="post" target="_top" style="margin:0;" name="addPollVote">


I May Like Nick Deluca But Nick Deluca LOVES Ices Skating



When you talk Nick Deluca, you inevitably talk about his first love, ice skating. It's 7AM on a Monday morning and I am meeting him Macquarie Ice Rink where he trains religiously with world famous Ms Madeline of France. It's not his frame, his face or his routines that draw attention. It is his unwavering support to the IGSFU or International Gay Figure Skating Union ( www.igsfu.org ). He has become a beacon of light in this ever darkening world of ours and the ice may be cool but it melts below his fire hot routines commonly known as and referred to by Nick as "Red Hot Fire Ice Love".

As I seat myself next to Nick in preparation of the interview, I examine the man and try to see what makes the world love Nick and Nick love ice skating. Is it his seemingly effortless dishevelled locks, unquestionable fanboy attitude towards Ronan Keating or almost crossgender apparell that draw the crowds? It certainly isn't his looks and this conundrum still has me baffled.

I just wished that he'd opened up more about his ice skating and less about his other pursuits. I had to cut the interview short cos I just couldn't take it anymore. Anyway, read on and you'll see what I am talking about. Thanks for your time Nick.

BallsToFeet: Thanks for meeting with us mate. We really appreciate it.

Nick: No worries Balls. I love your work. Sometimes when I curl up on the couch after a hard day of choreography with my toy poodle 'Samson', we flick over the site and have a little chuckle.

BTF: Great to know champ. Thanks.

Nick: Cool. I suppose you wanna hear me sing right? "The smile on your face lets me know that you love me...."

BTF: No, no. It's quite alright. I wasn't expecting that at all.

Nick: You sure? I love to sing. I've been listening to some George Michael to plan my latest routines to. "If you're looking for fastlove.... Fastlove in your eyes..."

BTF: Ummm... Thanks for that. You sound great.

Nick: Well, I think I can just harmonise really well. Sometimes when the ice machine is on the rink I can feel the rhythm and so I start to move and sing. "I'm blue daba dee daba doo daba deee..... I have house with a blue window..."

BTF: Let's talk signature moves. You don't just stop at the toe loop, Lutz or Axel but you go for the more audacious moves don't you?

Nick: Yeah. I like the one-foot salchow, toeless lutz or the mazurka. I like the different ones that make me wanna sing with excitement. It's like the embodiment of a Vanessa Amorosi single. "Floating in a weir and you think you'll never sink, so you, forget all your fears, your fears..."

BTF: Isn't that Killing Heidi?

Nick: Umm, no. I think I know my Vanessa Amorisi. I've only got like all her albums and singles like "Sorrento Moon". "I remember, how it all came true, It was oh so tender, And I was lost with you, By the sweet sorrento moon...."

BTF: Dude, that's Tina Arena.

Nick: Whatever. "What you want..... Baby I got..... What you need..... You know I got..... All I'm asking for...... is a little respect when you come home......"

BTF: I'm lost. I thought this was about ice skating and all you're doing is singing.

Nick: I love singing and singing loves me back. I would've made it to Sydney if that fat fuck Kyle Sandilands hadn't said no. He said my act was too heavy on the dancing but Marcia knew what I was on about. She said "Mmmmhmmmm, you got it girlfriend". As the token black member on the panel like Randy Jackson is on American Idol, I took it as a massive compliment. I was singing some Mariah that day... "Dreamlover come rescue me....."

BTF: Fuck this. I thought I'd get an interesting article and all you're doing is singing.

Nick: "Baby come back, you can blame it all on me, I was wrong, and I just can't live without you"

BTF: I'm out....

Nick: "I said I love you but I lied.... Cos this more than love I feel inside...."

BTF: You're singing Michael Bolton at me? Really?

Nick: "It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen! I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get Absolutely soaking wet! It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! It's Raining Men! Every Specimen! Tall, blonde, dark and leanRough and tough and strong and mean..."

BTF: Fuck this.....

Nick: Dude, where you goin? Don't you wanna talk IGSFU and the conservative right's plan to crush all same sex relationships as they believe that those people could rise to create an economic super class, undermining the very basis of the conservative right via persuading changes in policy based on the dollar and not on the corrupted moral groundings which they so valiantly try to hold on to????? Oh well....... "Accidentally Kelly Street where friends and strangers sometimes meet..."

A Night Beneath The Disco Ball: Clubbing with Graham Werner



8:00PM Get dressed at home. Maybe a Strongbow or 2 to get night started.

8:16PM Pump up Skitz Mix 3 and stretch for 'Worm' move.

8:17PM Change clothes into something a little more appropriate. Opting for Hawaiian button down shirt, blue Levi 501s, Jim Beam belt buckle and new leather shoes. Clarks, same brand as my Year 8 school shoes. The retro look is all the rage.

8:23PM Start doing hair.

8:49PM 3 tubs of hair gel later, hair is complete.

9:01PM Drive to job site near city. Park car and catch cab to cross.

9:58PM Meet boys for beer in generic Irish Pub. Got to the city in 23 minutes. Nobody believes me. Explain shortcut via Wiseman's Ferry, Gold Coast and Ballina. Nobody understands, may have fooled them.

10:26PM Buy Jagermeister bomb. Barman doesn't know what I mean. He says "Oh, you mean a Jager bomb". I say "Yeah, that's what I said. Jagermeister Bomb".

10:39PM Request Screaming Jets song from DJ. Looks at me weird. Plays song instead, I sing along anyway. I dunno the words but I don't think anyone notices.

11:01PM Time to hit the first club. Hope I get laid....

11:39PM Haven't been allowed into any clubs so far. I tried talking to the bouncers but they thought I was smashed. Spose I am....

12:04AM Get into the Bourbon and head straight for the bar. Vodka, lemonade, red cordial and Red Bull. Fuck the disco biscuits, I'll be out there in a minute.

12:08AM On the dance floor. carving up! Been knocked back by 18 chicks so far. Oh well, with each failure I am closer to success.

12:12AM I've used all my dance moves except the 'Worm' and it's too early for that. I've already done the point, the my hands are guns point, right foot forward with head shake, left foot forward with head shake, hand clap and hands in the air. I thought they'd last longer....

12:14AM Try the 'Worm' out of desperation. Shame Thommo spewed on the floor before I did it.

12:16AM Buy new shirt from Asian shop next door. $3 and it's heaps better than the one I just ruined.

12:40AM Run into the Ibrahim boys. Tell 'em how pissed off I am about their bro gettin' chk chk boomed. They don't recognise me. Told them we'd met heaps.

1:03AM Realise I've never met the Ibrahim boys before but had only seen them on TV. Boys think I am a legend so I keep it up.

1:27AM Angus reckons he knows a place that heaps of celebrities go to like Ian Roberts, Tom Cruise, John Travolta & Perez Hilton. I'm in...

1:38AM Arrive at Lotus Butterfly and walk straight in. There are chicks gettin' onto chicks everywhere!

1:42AM Have hit on 6 chicks and they all say they are lezos. I say 'so what? Bring your girl too!' They ask me if I know that lezos only like other birds. I say yeah but let me in on the action. They walk off. I don't get lezos....

2:15AM Have had my arse smacked 23 times without a girl in sight. They must be ninjas. Guys seem friendly though.

3:21AM They've played Lady Gaga here about 400 times. The guys go crazy about disco sticks. Dunno what they are but I want one.....

3:27AM Guy keeps asking if I'm a bear. I keep saying no, I go for the Tigers. Ya know, Benji, Farrah and Tuaiki. Bought me a drink though. Appletini's rock!

8:09AM Just woke up. Must've picked up cos I've got pash rash. Man, must've done a ring stinger last night cos my arse kills.... I'm goin for Yum Cha.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Juice: Freshly Squeezed


A lot people think they know The Juice but really have no idea. Here are some home truths about the Juice straight from my new Biography of the man called 'The Juice: Freshly Squeezed'.

He grew up in Goulburn prison. Committing his first B & E at the tender age of 6 months.

He has had 5 nose reduction surgeries. Each one a giant success.

His favourite television program of all time is A Country Practice.

He dreams of living in Wandin Valley.

Says that Graham would be Matron, Jeremy Evans would be Cookie and Frank would be Esme Watson.

Rumoured to actually like Nicolas Deluca. (Rumour later proven to be false)

Has the most powerful hips this side of Frank.

Left professional wrestling due to a union dispute.

Left professional hitman business due to lack of health and superannuation benefits.

Left professional email forgery business after lack of support from Federal Liberal party centred around 'Utegate" fallacy.

Puts Rhianna at #73 on his "Boning Accomplishments of All Time List". Louise Savage occupies spots 1 through 72.

Wrote the hit song "Wasn't Me" for Shaggy and traded to him for lessons in impersonating Shaggy. Still getting voiceover work today. No guesses who the real winner was....

Has never been diagnosed with Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome and is the closest to an Uncle Jesse I've seen (excluding Frank).

Is not in possession of the gayest photo ever taken. I have that and it was taken on Saturday night.

Has a dance routine for every Salt 'N Pepa song ever recorded.

Received the first ever 'Touchdown' from Mark Holden.

Shot Steady Eddy to fame after defeating the former "Stable Eddy" of the NSW Amateur Wrestling Championships, he caused several brain damaging injuries and told Eddy jokes on the way to hospital where he would operate on him and save his life. Eddy retells this jokes on a nightly basis and gets paid good money for them.

All time highest scorer on Tetris...... BLINDFOLDED!!!

Tried to create porn spin off of children's television show Hannah Montana called Hymen Montoya. Waiting to be picked up by a film studio. Misty Hyemn signed on as lead actress. Hymen is still attached (pun not intended).

Had a clear assasination attempt on Robert Mugabe but he reminded him too much of Bill Cosby. Juice didn't know it was Bill Cosby sweater day in Zimbabwe and everyone looked like Bill Cosby.

Used to shoot an electro-fireball which made a sound like 'Haduken'. Signed rights over to Street Fighter video game. Mr Cool is the inspriration for Dhalsim.

Secretly likes Rove.... NOT! Nobody likes Rove.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Safety Dance


We can dance if we want to.


We can leave your friends behind.


Cause' your friend don't dance,


and if they don't dance,


well they're no friends of mine.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Roller Disco of Your Life



Left..... right..... left...... right......

The four wheels attached to bottom of his feet spin wildly as he races along the asphalt.

Left..... right...... left...... right....... SPIN!!!!! Wooohooo!!!!! Left..... right.......

Hutcho adjusts the volume on his iPod Nano. Jonas Bros are now blaring in his ears as he roller skates down the road to his local Juice Bar. 'One more Boost Juice and I get a free wheatgrass shot' he thinks to himself.

The high white tube socks hug his calf muscles and the baby blue short shorts swivel on his hips as he cuts an elegant frame next to cars, trucks and Vespas. Hat on backwards and sun on his face, this topless man is enjoying one of life's simple pleasures, roller skating to Castle Towers for a Boost Juice while listening to some of the best music ever. Pink is the next song up and Hutcho accelerates his pace cos now he feels like moving!

"So what? I'm still a rockstar!" he screams at the 3 boys riding along in their convertible Jeep. They know what he is talking about as they sing along with him, "I got my rock moves...". Grabbing hold of the tow bar, he snakes from side to side. Giving his gleaming hairless legs the rest they deserve, he takes it easy.

He spies a turn off up ahead and says "Seeya boys, thanks for the ride. Rock on!". Giving the devil horn hand signal to the boys, he peels off and flys down the street. The cool wind hits his nipples and a shiver hits his spine. Now away from the hustle and bustle of the traffic, he has a quiet thought to himself. "This is the roller disco of my life and I'm lovin' it!".

His face pops in front of yours and with an unwielding quiver of the eye brows, he questions "Is this the roller disco of your life? Stop being a wallflower, get out there and move!"

Next thing behind him. Graham starts doing the worm..... I guess it's the roller disco of his life......