The Juice: Freshly Squeezed

A lot people think they know The Juice but really have no idea. Here are some home truths about the Juice straight from my new Biography of the man called 'The Juice: Freshly Squeezed'.

He grew up in Goulburn prison. Committing his first B & E at the tender age of 6 months.

He has had 5 nose reduction surgeries. Each one a giant success.

His favourite television program of all time is A Country Practice.

He dreams of living in Wandin Valley.

Says that Graham would be Matron, Jeremy Evans would be Cookie and Frank would be Esme Watson.

Rumoured to actually like Nicolas Deluca. (Rumour later proven to be false)

Has the most powerful hips this side of Frank.

Left professional wrestling due to a union dispute.

Left professional hitman business due to lack of health and superannuation benefits.

Left professional email forgery business after lack of support from Federal Liberal party centred around 'Utegate" fallacy.

Puts Rhianna at #73 on his "Boning Accomplishments of All Time List". Louise Savage occupies spots 1 through 72.

Wrote the hit song "Wasn't Me" for Shaggy and traded to him for lessons in impersonating Shaggy. Still getting voiceover work today. No guesses who the real winner was....

Has never been diagnosed with Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome and is the closest to an Uncle Jesse I've seen (excluding Frank).

Is not in possession of the gayest photo ever taken. I have that and it was taken on Saturday night.

Has a dance routine for every Salt 'N Pepa song ever recorded.

Received the first ever 'Touchdown' from Mark Holden.

Shot Steady Eddy to fame after defeating the former "Stable Eddy" of the NSW Amateur Wrestling Championships, he caused several brain damaging injuries and told Eddy jokes on the way to hospital where he would operate on him and save his life. Eddy retells this jokes on a nightly basis and gets paid good money for them.

All time highest scorer on Tetris...... BLINDFOLDED!!!

Tried to create porn spin off of children's television show Hannah Montana called Hymen Montoya. Waiting to be picked up by a film studio. Misty Hyemn signed on as lead actress. Hymen is still attached (pun not intended).

Had a clear assasination attempt on Robert Mugabe but he reminded him too much of Bill Cosby. Juice didn't know it was Bill Cosby sweater day in Zimbabwe and everyone looked like Bill Cosby.

Used to shoot an electro-fireball which made a sound like 'Haduken'. Signed rights over to Street Fighter video game. Mr Cool is the inspriration for Dhalsim.

Secretly likes Rove.... NOT! Nobody likes Rove.