Detective I.P. Freely

I've worked hard to get where I am. My detective skills have been enhanced over the past 18 years and I have finally cracked the Melbourne underworld. What you don't know is that it has all been run from Sydney by Geoffrey Werner or his underworld name, Mr Sparkles. It all made sense over the last week of activity both in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane. I'll take you through a rough timeline of what happened. Don't show this to anyone or I could become a target and Mrs Blogger just might shit herself at the thought of selling my LH Torana and Singing Fish collection so much that she'd tell Mick Gatto where my Apple IIe is stationed. The very Apple IIe that I play "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego" on and type this blog on. Please eject the 5.25 in floppy disk before you cap me, it is still in mint condition and could fetch a price upwards of $10.00 on eBay!

Friday

Geoffrey and Hayden leave their shared home as one of the first open same sex partnerships in the Australian Underworld.

Geoffrey orders a Skim Latte and skips through the Lifestyle section of the morning paper. Hayden has Eggs Benedict with a green tea. Chatter seems normal.

Underworld figure Sam "The Brick" Houseman arrives and warns Geoff of an arranged hit by an unknown motorcycle gang member.

Geoff is ran into by elderly community member, Ethel Rogers, on her gopher as she meets the girls for brunch. Geoff assumes this is the hit Sam was referring to and takes a sachet of orange drink Tang from Ethel's front basket. Ethel rams Geoff until he hands back the Tang. Geoff runs away, thankful that he escaped the hit. Hayden tends to his wounds.

Geoff attends job sight to meet Michael "Mick the Oil Slick" Galapanarous. Mick hands Geoff a box of pornography. Geoff thanks Mick and asks for a box of tissues and the nearest DVD player. Hayden appears disgusted.

Geoff tells labourer to remove his vehicle from job site. Labourer asks for a moment so he can finish helping an old lady across the street. Geoff throws dirt in his eyes. The labourer stumbles in to Geoff and Geoff assumes he is attacking him from behind. Geoff repeatedly punches the labourer until Hayden voices his concerns about damaged nails and the consequences of having uneven nails and satin sheets. Geoff immediately stops. The labourer tells Geoff it's ok, problem solved. The labourer introduces himself as Antonio Moran, the less known more flamboyant member of the Moran crime family. Geoff demands a box of tissues and DVD player.

SATURDAY

Geoff has arrived in Sydney to support his fellow man in the "Ride for Pride" same sex civil union movement.

Antonio Moran and Geoff share a drink, talking about their love of sequins and dolphins.

After attending the Sydney Aquarium, Antonio tells Geoff about how his father never let him do cross stitch or quiltwork. Geoff immediately flys to Melbourne.

MONDAY

Geoff whacks Des Moran and calls Antonio. Antonio says his dad was Les Moran from Gippsland not Des Moran. Hayden yells in the background. 'Yeah Geoff, you never listen!'. Enraged Geoff asks Antonio what's going on. Antonio hangs up.

Geoff arrives at Gippsland Falcons HQ, asking after Les Moran. Deaf Benny, the hearing impaired door man informs Geoff that he got whacked by his sister in law. Geoff, content in his bad-ass-ery flys home.

Les Moran asks Deaf Benny what the round headed, eye brow beast wanted. Deaf Benny tells Les about Geoff and says he was asking after Des Moran. Les, fires Benny for not being able to answer simple questions. Benny doesn't understand and asks Les, "What do you mean I am cracked?". Poor Deaf Benny.....

TUESDAY

Deaf Benny sees "Ab-Crunch-Roller-King by George" is coming out shortly. Deaf Benny plans on who he can root after getting the 'Abs-by-George-effect'. Deaf Benny decides on Tracy Grimshaw.

WEDNESDAY

Deaf Benny goes to the optometrist for a check up. Deaf Benny's eyes are fucked. Why'd he wanna root Tracy Grimshaw?

THURSDAY

In typical builder fashion, Geoff's DVD player and tissues arrive on site.