4-0

We did it... we did it.... we fucking did it!!!!!!!!

Way to catch a win fellas. It was awesome to sit atop my perch and be happy with our performance. Instead of a blow by blow detailed account let's just discuss the best parts.

Pops scored 3 goals and it was brilliant to see a team performance get him there. He did score a cracker from a free kick but it was probably the goal which went from Juice to Dowd to Pops to back of the net that gave me my biggest stiffy this year.

Speaking of stiffys, you probably could a put a stiff cold corpse out there instead of Werns and we would have played even better. It was the worst performance as a captain I have ever seen! Remember when you used to have atheltics carnivals at school and there was always the fat kid that came but didn't participate. Not through lack of physical ability but just resigned to the fact that he was too fat to actually be competitive. That's how I felt about Graham's perfomance. Maybe if he had steered clear of his competitive eating hobby and ditched out on the Sydney OPen Hot Dog Eating comp the night before he could have been more use than the lead weight he was. Like an anchor deployed too early, he just slowed us down. Thanks fat man...

The racially insensitive Graham Werner paints himself black as a tribute to Michael Jackson in Friday's Sydney Open Hot Dog Eating Competition. Graham won the 185kg division and then proceeded to eat all the competitors from the 150kg division.

Nick Deluca's 25 second perfomance was a thrilling tribute to his heros. Later Nicolas tipped his hat towards Sonny Bill and Gasnier saying "My injury prone career mirrors the greats and I'm right up there with them". Unfortunately Nick fails to realise that these are two of the most overrated NRL players of all time, providing headlines more for their unavailability due to injury than actual onfield performances. Nick gets our new award this week because doctors actually diagnosed Nick with an overdose of Deep Heat and no actual physical injury. In
honour of our favourite Olympian Nick wins the.....


..... "Lay Down Sally Award". When it all becomes too much, just take a break, have a lie down or make like Deluca and sub off.

Brendan Dowd's goal was a fun little number too.

I really liked the Asian kid who fell down when any off the Parrots breathed on him. What a legend!

Rens pushed an Indian kid. After the game Mr Cool pushed him back. Mr Cool said there's safety in numbers and there is like a billion of them! Mr Cool withdrew his omment when he realised the rest of the world is against him because he has denied getting cheap naan ovens for the rest of the globe.

That'll do for the match report. Nice win turds!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waste of my 30th blog in 30 days..... I don't care....

Watson: I've got this great Michael Jackson joke.

Holmes: It's not about him touching children is it?

Watson: No don't be stupid. That would be disgusting.

Holmes: Go on then....

Watson: Michael Jackons walks into a bar....

Holmes: No he didn't. He's dead.

Watson: ......... I see your point........

A Target Set & Almost Made

At the start of June, I made a pact with myself. I'd make 30 blogs in 30 days for the month of June. I am one more blog away and I need your help. Vote for who the blog should be centred around and really get involved. This is a blog for the people by the people... more accurately, this person a.k.a. me a.k.a. The Blogger a.k.a. Rob Schneider....

http://www.addpoll.com/vote" method="post" target="_top" style="margin:0;" name="addPollVote">

Who should the 30th blog in 30 days be about?

• Kenny "Pow Wow" Keow (Dave)
• Geoffrey Werner
• Graham Werner
• George
• Nicolas Deluca

view results
Free vote poll

I May Like Nick Deluca But Nick Deluca LOVES Ices Skating

When you talk Nick Deluca, you inevitably talk about his first love, ice skating. It's 7AM on a Monday morning and I am meeting him Macquarie Ice Rink where he trains religiously with world famous Ms Madeline of France. It's not his frame, his face or his routines that draw attention. It is his unwavering support to the IGSFU or International Gay Figure Skating Union ( www.igsfu.org ). He has become a beacon of light in this ever darkening world of ours and the ice may be cool but it melts below his fire hot routines commonly known as and referred to by Nick as "Red Hot Fire Ice Love".

As I seat myself next to Nick in preparation of the interview, I examine the man and try to see what makes the world love Nick and Nick love ice skating. Is it his seemingly effortless dishevelled locks, unquestionable fanboy attitude towards Ronan Keating or almost crossgender apparell that draw the crowds? It certainly isn't his looks and this conundrum still has me baffled.

I just wished that he'd opened up more about his ice skating and less about his other pursuits. I had to cut the interview short cos I just couldn't take it anymore. Anyway, read on and you'll see what I am talking about. Thanks for your time Nick.

BallsToFeet: Thanks for meeting with us mate. We really appreciate it.

Nick: No worries Balls. I love your work. Sometimes when I curl up on the couch after a hard day of choreography with my toy poodle 'Samson', we flick over the site and have a little chuckle.

BTF: Great to know champ. Thanks.

Nick: Cool. I suppose you wanna hear me sing right? "The smile on your face lets me know that you love me...."

BTF: No, no. It's quite alright. I wasn't expecting that at all.

Nick: You sure? I love to sing. I've been listening to some George Michael to plan my latest routines to. "If you're looking for fastlove.... Fastlove in your eyes..."

BTF: Ummm... Thanks for that. You sound great.

Nick: Well, I think I can just harmonise really well. Sometimes when the ice machine is on the rink I can feel the rhythm and so I start to move and sing. "I'm blue daba dee daba doo daba deee..... I have house with a blue window..."

BTF: Let's talk signature moves. You don't just stop at the toe loop, Lutz or Axel but you go for the more audacious moves don't you?

Nick: Yeah. I like the one-foot salchow, toeless lutz or the mazurka. I like the different ones that make me wanna sing with excitement. It's like the embodiment of a Vanessa Amorosi single. "Floating in a weir and you think you'll never sink, so you, forget all your fears, your fears..."

BTF: Isn't that Killing Heidi?

Nick: Umm, no. I think I know my Vanessa Amorisi. I've only got like all her albums and singles like "Sorrento Moon". "I remember, how it all came true, It was oh so tender, And I was lost with you, By the sweet sorrento moon...."

BTF: Dude, that's Tina Arena.

Nick: Whatever. "What you want..... Baby I got..... What you need..... You know I got..... All I'm asking for...... is a little respect when you come home......"

BTF: I'm lost. I thought this was about ice skating and all you're doing is singing.

Nick: I love singing and singing loves me back. I would've made it to Sydney if that fat fuck Kyle Sandilands hadn't said no. He said my act was too heavy on the dancing but Marcia knew what I was on about. She said "Mmmmhmmmm, you got it girlfriend". As the token black member on the panel like Randy Jackson is on American Idol, I took it as a massive compliment. I was singing some Mariah that day... "Dreamlover come rescue me....."

BTF: Fuck this. I thought I'd get an interesting article and all you're doing is singing.

Nick: "Baby come back, you can blame it all on me, I was wrong, and I just can't live without you"

BTF: I'm out....

Nick: "I said I love you but I lied.... Cos this more than love I feel inside...."

BTF: You're singing Michael Bolton at me? Really?

Nick: "It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen! I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get Absolutely soaking wet! It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! It's Raining Men! Every Specimen! Tall, blonde, dark and leanRough and tough and strong and mean..."

BTF: Fuck this.....

Nick: Dude, where you goin? Don't you wanna talk IGSFU and the conservative right's plan to crush all same sex relationships as they believe that those people could rise to create an economic super class, undermining the very basis of the conservative right via persuading changes in policy based on the dollar and not on the corrupted moral groundings which they so valiantly try to hold on to????? Oh well....... "Accidentally Kelly Street where friends and strangers sometimes meet..."

A Night Beneath The Disco Ball: Clubbing with Graham Werner

8:00PM Get dressed at home. Maybe a Strongbow or 2 to get night started.

8:16PM Pump up Skitz Mix 3 and stretch for 'Worm' move.

8:17PM Change clothes into something a little more appropriate. Opting for Hawaiian button down shirt, blue Levi 501s, Jim Beam belt buckle and new leather shoes. Clarks, same brand as my Year 8 school shoes. The retro look is all the rage.

8:23PM Start doing hair.

8:49PM 3 tubs of hair gel later, hair is complete.

9:01PM Drive to job site near city. Park car and catch cab to cross.

9:58PM Meet boys for beer in generic Irish Pub. Got to the city in 23 minutes. Nobody believes me. Explain shortcut via Wiseman's Ferry, Gold Coast and Ballina. Nobody understands, may have fooled them.

10:26PM Buy Jagermeister bomb. Barman doesn't know what I mean. He says "Oh, you mean a Jager bomb". I say "Yeah, that's what I said. Jagermeister Bomb".

10:39PM Request Screaming Jets song from DJ. Looks at me weird. Plays song instead, I sing along anyway. I dunno the words but I don't think anyone notices.

11:01PM Time to hit the first club. Hope I get laid....

11:39PM Haven't been allowed into any clubs so far. I tried talking to the bouncers but they thought I was smashed. Spose I am....

12:04AM Get into the Bourbon and head straight for the bar. Vodka, lemonade, red cordial and Red Bull. Fuck the disco biscuits, I'll be out there in a minute.

12:08AM On the dance floor. carving up! Been knocked back by 18 chicks so far. Oh well, with each failure I am closer to success.

12:12AM I've used all my dance moves except the 'Worm' and it's too early for that. I've already done the point, the my hands are guns point, right foot forward with head shake, left foot forward with head shake, hand clap and hands in the air. I thought they'd last longer....

12:14AM Try the 'Worm' out of desperation. Shame Thommo spewed on the floor before I did it.

12:16AM Buy new shirt from Asian shop next door. $3 and it's heaps better than the one I just ruined.

12:40AM Run into the Ibrahim boys. Tell 'em how pissed off I am about their bro gettin' chk chk boomed. They don't recognise me. Told them we'd met heaps.

1:03AM Realise I've never met the Ibrahim boys before but had only seen them on TV. Boys think I am a legend so I keep it up.

1:27AM Angus reckons he knows a place that heaps of celebrities go to like Ian Roberts, Tom Cruise, John Travolta & Perez Hilton. I'm in...

1:38AM Arrive at Lotus Butterfly and walk straight in. There are chicks gettin' onto chicks everywhere!

1:42AM Have hit on 6 chicks and they all say they are lezos. I say 'so what? Bring your girl too!' They ask me if I know that lezos only like other birds. I say yeah but let me in on the action. They walk off. I don't get lezos....

2:15AM Have had my arse smacked 23 times without a girl in sight. They must be ninjas. Guys seem friendly though.

3:21AM They've played Lady Gaga here about 400 times. The guys go crazy about disco sticks. Dunno what they are but I want one.....

3:27AM Guy keeps asking if I'm a bear. I keep saying no, I go for the Tigers. Ya know, Benji, Farrah and Tuaiki. Bought me a drink though. Appletini's rock!

8:09AM Just woke up. Must've picked up cos I've got pash rash. Man, must've done a ring stinger last night cos my arse kills.... I'm goin for Yum Cha.

The Juice: Freshly Squeezed

A lot people think they know The Juice but really have no idea. Here are some home truths about the Juice straight from my new Biography of the man called 'The Juice: Freshly Squeezed'.

He grew up in Goulburn prison. Committing his first B & E at the tender age of 6 months.

He has had 5 nose reduction surgeries. Each one a giant success.

His favourite television program of all time is A Country Practice.

He dreams of living in Wandin Valley.

Says that Graham would be Matron, Jeremy Evans would be Cookie and Frank would be Esme Watson.

Rumoured to actually like Nicolas Deluca. (Rumour later proven to be false)

Has the most powerful hips this side of Frank.

Left professional wrestling due to a union dispute.

Left professional hitman business due to lack of health and superannuation benefits.

Left professional email forgery business after lack of support from Federal Liberal party centred around 'Utegate" fallacy.

Puts Rhianna at #73 on his "Boning Accomplishments of All Time List". Louise Savage occupies spots 1 through 72.

Wrote the hit song "Wasn't Me" for Shaggy and traded to him for lessons in impersonating Shaggy. Still getting voiceover work today. No guesses who the real winner was....

Has never been diagnosed with Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome and is the closest to an Uncle Jesse I've seen (excluding Frank).

Is not in possession of the gayest photo ever taken. I have that and it was taken on Saturday night.

Has a dance routine for every Salt 'N Pepa song ever recorded.

Received the first ever 'Touchdown' from Mark Holden.

Shot Steady Eddy to fame after defeating the former "Stable Eddy" of the NSW Amateur Wrestling Championships, he caused several brain damaging injuries and told Eddy jokes on the way to hospital where he would operate on him and save his life. Eddy retells this jokes on a nightly basis and gets paid good money for them.

All time highest scorer on Tetris...... BLINDFOLDED!!!

Tried to create porn spin off of children's television show Hannah Montana called Hymen Montoya. Waiting to be picked up by a film studio. Misty Hyemn signed on as lead actress. Hymen is still attached (pun not intended).

Had a clear assasination attempt on Robert Mugabe but he reminded him too much of Bill Cosby. Juice didn't know it was Bill Cosby sweater day in Zimbabwe and everyone looked like Bill Cosby.

Used to shoot an electro-fireball which made a sound like 'Haduken'. Signed rights over to Street Fighter video game. Mr Cool is the inspriration for Dhalsim.

Secretly likes Rove.... NOT! Nobody likes Rove.

Safety Dance

We can dance if we want to.

We can leave your friends behind.

Cause' your friend don't dance,

and if they don't dance,

well they're no friends of mine.

The Roller Disco of Your Life

Left..... right..... left...... right......

The four wheels attached to bottom of his feet spin wildly as he races along the asphalt.

Left..... right...... left...... right....... SPIN!!!!! Wooohooo!!!!! Left..... right.......

Hutcho adjusts the volume on his iPod Nano. Jonas Bros are now blaring in his ears as he roller skates down the road to his local Juice Bar. 'One more Boost Juice and I get a free wheatgrass shot' he thinks to himself.

The high white tube socks hug his calf muscles and the baby blue short shorts swivel on his hips as he cuts an elegant frame next to cars, trucks and Vespas. Hat on backwards and sun on his face, this topless man is enjoying one of life's simple pleasures, roller skating to Castle Towers for a Boost Juice while listening to some of the best music ever. Pink is the next song up and Hutcho accelerates his pace cos now he feels like moving!

"So what? I'm still a rockstar!" he screams at the 3 boys riding along in their convertible Jeep. They know what he is talking about as they sing along with him, "I got my rock moves...". Grabbing hold of the tow bar, he snakes from side to side. Giving his gleaming hairless legs the rest they deserve, he takes it easy.

He spies a turn off up ahead and says "Seeya boys, thanks for the ride. Rock on!". Giving the devil horn hand signal to the boys, he peels off and flys down the street. The cool wind hits his nipples and a shiver hits his spine. Now away from the hustle and bustle of the traffic, he has a quiet thought to himself. "This is the roller disco of my life and I'm lovin' it!".

His face pops in front of yours and with an unwielding quiver of the eye brows, he questions "Is this the roller disco of your life? Stop being a wallflower, get out there and move!"

Next thing behind him. Graham starts doing the worm..... I guess it's the roller disco of his life......

Detective I.P. Freely

I've worked hard to get where I am. My detective skills have been enhanced over the past 18 years and I have finally cracked the Melbourne underworld. What you don't know is that it has all been run from Sydney by Geoffrey Werner or his underworld name, Mr Sparkles. It all made sense over the last week of activity both in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane. I'll take you through a rough timeline of what happened. Don't show this to anyone or I could become a target and Mrs Blogger just might shit herself at the thought of selling my LH Torana and Singing Fish collection so much that she'd tell Mick Gatto where my Apple IIe is stationed. The very Apple IIe that I play "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego" on and type this blog on. Please eject the 5.25 in floppy disk before you cap me, it is still in mint condition and could fetch a price upwards of $10.00 on eBay!

Friday

Geoffrey and Hayden leave their shared home as one of the first open same sex partnerships in the Australian Underworld.

Geoffrey orders a Skim Latte and skips through the Lifestyle section of the morning paper. Hayden has Eggs Benedict with a green tea. Chatter seems normal.

Underworld figure Sam "The Brick" Houseman arrives and warns Geoff of an arranged hit by an unknown motorcycle gang member.

Geoff is ran into by elderly community member, Ethel Rogers, on her gopher as she meets the girls for brunch. Geoff assumes this is the hit Sam was referring to and takes a sachet of orange drink Tang from Ethel's front basket. Ethel rams Geoff until he hands back the Tang. Geoff runs away, thankful that he escaped the hit. Hayden tends to his wounds.

Geoff attends job sight to meet Michael "Mick the Oil Slick" Galapanarous. Mick hands Geoff a box of pornography. Geoff thanks Mick and asks for a box of tissues and the nearest DVD player. Hayden appears disgusted.

Geoff tells labourer to remove his vehicle from job site. Labourer asks for a moment so he can finish helping an old lady across the street. Geoff throws dirt in his eyes. The labourer stumbles in to Geoff and Geoff assumes he is attacking him from behind. Geoff repeatedly punches the labourer until Hayden voices his concerns about damaged nails and the consequences of having uneven nails and satin sheets. Geoff immediately stops. The labourer tells Geoff it's ok, problem solved. The labourer introduces himself as Antonio Moran, the less known more flamboyant member of the Moran crime family. Geoff demands a box of tissues and DVD player.

SATURDAY

Geoff has arrived in Sydney to support his fellow man in the "Ride for Pride" same sex civil union movement.

Antonio Moran and Geoff share a drink, talking about their love of sequins and dolphins.

After attending the Sydney Aquarium, Antonio tells Geoff about how his father never let him do cross stitch or quiltwork. Geoff immediately flys to Melbourne.

MONDAY

Geoff whacks Des Moran and calls Antonio. Antonio says his dad was Les Moran from Gippsland not Des Moran. Hayden yells in the background. 'Yeah Geoff, you never listen!'. Enraged Geoff asks Antonio what's going on. Antonio hangs up.

Geoff arrives at Gippsland Falcons HQ, asking after Les Moran. Deaf Benny, the hearing impaired door man informs Geoff that he got whacked by his sister in law. Geoff, content in his bad-ass-ery flys home.

Les Moran asks Deaf Benny what the round headed, eye brow beast wanted. Deaf Benny tells Les about Geoff and says he was asking after Des Moran. Les, fires Benny for not being able to answer simple questions. Benny doesn't understand and asks Les, "What do you mean I am cracked?". Poor Deaf Benny.....

TUESDAY

Deaf Benny sees "Ab-Crunch-Roller-King by George" is coming out shortly. Deaf Benny plans on who he can root after getting the 'Abs-by-George-effect'. Deaf Benny decides on Tracy Grimshaw.

WEDNESDAY

Deaf Benny goes to the optometrist for a check up. Deaf Benny's eyes are fucked. Why'd he wanna root Tracy Grimshaw?

THURSDAY

In typical builder fashion, Geoff's DVD player and tissues arrive on site.

Commitment Isn't a Four Letter Word (But It Feels Like it Should Be)

The sun's first rays crept under his door, caressing the empty protein shake canisters, reflecting off the mirror-like wrapping from his protein bars and touched upon 3 Dutch triplets. Nude in the morn's first light and embracing the smiles on their collective faces, you could tell that something wonderful had occurred last night. Just how wonderful will never be known as a member of the local gentry, George knows that loose lips sink ships.

By the stage the sun touches the bed, he is up. Shaking off a Eurasian bombshell and sliding on his runners you can almost see the thoughts running through his head and the focus in his eyes. "If I build it, eh meh, they will come" is the mantra he chants softly, careful not to wake the famous Japanese pop singers Iri Noshikawa and Yoki Gorikini. He sidesteps his way to the door and pulls the handle. In a moment he turns back to survey what he accomplished from a single night at Harold Park trots and is content, if only for a minute.

Today he has more pressing issues. The production of his revolutionary new piece of fitness equipment has suffered a set back and George knows that the valueable television market is susceptible to changing it's purchasing mind on a whim. With the competition heated already and knowing he is only days away from falling behind Billy Blanks and his new fitness equipment, "Ab Flabber Plus", he must remain focused with scientists working round the clock.

"Eh meh, Professor Davis. Have you figured out the solution yet"

"No George. Only your abs have been able to withstand the rapid muscle growth promoted by the oscillating action only available in the 'Ab-crunch-roller-king By George'. The Peter Andre we transported from 1993 had a meltdown when he tried it. Literally his abdominal section melted!"

"But I saw him in the film clip to Mysterious Girl and he was really ripped!"

"I know George. It's worrying us too! If the North Koreans ever got a hold of this...."

"I know a South Korean. Maybe we could send him in if shit gets dangerous."

"Dangerous. You think it will only get dangerous? This could be the end of the world and you're worried about it getting dangerous! Dammit, George! You have a gorgeous body. A gorgeous body full of gorgeous abs and I do not want it on my conscience, that those abs were paid for by the blood and tears of millions of communist citizens. When I helped Hulk Hogan lift the Iron Curtain and end the Cold War, I swore that I'd do everything to fight communsim and it's evil use of ab creating exercise equipment and if the North Koreans get this from Danoz Direct, we could be in the middle of a shit storm. A shit storm without an umbrella! You know what happens when you don't have an umbrella in the middle of a shit storm? You get covered in shit!"

"Eh meh, calm down bro. It's not like I borrowed your gravity boots to pick up all these chicks at Harold Park Trots and have an orgy with them which I just left to come down and speak to you while cleverly placing the gravity boots back in the safety box which should normally only be opened by NASA.... Jeez...."

"Orgy? Really?"

"For real bro!"

"Nice. High five!"

"Eh meh, ok."

*SNAP*

"Snap? I have it. If we insert a video projector and sound system into the 'Ab-crunch-roller-king By George' that plays the music video for Snap's 'Rhythm is a Dancer'. The song's unique melodic structure will harmonise with the increased brain waves, releasing serotnin into the blood stream, calming the brain and allowing for an increased strain on the abdominal region!"

"I love that song bro!!!!!"

I like Nick Deluca

I've been getting a bit of feedback about the blog and what people think is entertaining and what is not. A lot of people are saying how harsh I am towards Nick Deluca. To be honest, I like the guy. In fact, I would go as far to say that he is one of the nicest guys I know and there is not one time in my life I felt an emtion other than love, respect and a tinge of sexual tension towards the man. Sure, every time I see a picture like this:

my mind goes straight to Nick Deluca but it is only cause I think he is a champion. Just like Martina!

So what are the best things about Deluca? I have used science to find them out, and as Einstein says, "Dude, you can't fuck with science".

THE BEST THINGS ABOUT NICOLAS DELUCA

1. He has skipped the 'H' in his first name, making him heaps cooler than anyone using a 'H' in theirs! No, Hutcho, we won't start calling you Utco so you can cash in on the Nick-Deluca-"I ain't puttin' no stinkin' 'H' in my name!"-policy.

2. Even though he gets more injuries than Sonny Bill, he still comes to games to support the team and never says a bad word about anyone....... of importance. I must admit, there is more beer too after he brings a 6pack of West Coast Cooler for himself.

3. People make rhymes about him using popular food stuffs and confectionary item such as - "Nick, Nick, we love your dick, I want use it as a Wizz Fizz stick!" - Mr Cool circa. 2008 or "God made Rice Bubbles, God made Fruit Loops, God knows I'd love to stick it up your poop shoot" - unknown circa. Year 9 camp, 3rd bunk from the door, bottom bunk, Buzz Lightyear Sleeping Bag.

4. He isn't afraid to let his emotions out, like he says "Dowd, you're a jerk". That probably keeps him in a very fit mental state, which allows numerous posts by myself to erode this healthy state and drive him into a world of self loathing and hair issues.

5. Almost always, Nick has had very nice hair. Except for this one time....

6. He is an unselfish player who only steals this finest of goal oppurtunities and leaves the forgettable ones to everyone else.

7. Always has a goal celebration planned, but rarely follows through with it.

8. He has a cat and cats are awesome! They're like mini-lions that you can put on your lap. Who doesn't like mini-lions? What's that Satan? You and your devil spawn are the only people on Earth who don't like them? Shame on you... No wonder Jesus didn't invite you to the Ewok's hug giveaway!

9. He's married so you know he's been laid at least once, unlike other guys that you think could still be virgins and hide it by jumping on your bed screaming "I'm the best".

10. He's friend's with Frank. If there's a better judge than Frank, I don't wanna meet him.

To Nick Deluca, you're a cool guy. You take everything I say with a grain of salt and you always thank me for my honest insight. It's either that or you can't read and I am wasting my time with this entire post.

"God made the bolt, God made the nut, God made Nick get a lesbian hair cut" - The Blogger circa. 2009

I love you Nicolas Deluca, Prince amongst thieves, rose amongst thorns, mushroom amongst turds....

Getting to know your players

I decided last week when I was trying to develop some new material for the blog that I'd do an email interview with a player and see how they respond to some of the media's hard hitting questions. I chose Mr Cool because he got picked on in school for having really big ears. Here it is, all from Mr Cool's mouth... or keyboard as it were. I also added my critique or additional comments to how it should be answered or developed on a bit more. A good first effort though. Enjoy:

Mr Cool in his Year 6 Talent Show

mailto:Nicholas_D to me show details Jun 12 (3 days ago) Reply

D'Cruz, what is that? Spanish?



Way back I think it's Portuguese.

EDITOR: Where are the Oporto vouchers then?



How do you think, the roundhouse kick can:
a) be countered in a streetfight?

Only Frank can successfuly negotiate a properly executed roundhouse kick... while doing La Bamba!

b) be improved and remain relevant in an ever changing world? Anything can be improved with the addition of Frank.

ED: Agreed.



Ok, you're being held hostage and in order to save your life you have to perform in a Broadway Musical of television's Perfect Strangers. Do you take the role of Larry Appleton or Balki Bartokomous?

Balki... no contest. Deluca is more of a Cousin Larry, and Hutcho could have a cameo as Ellen.



How many roundhouse kicks is enough roundhouse kicks?

No such thing as 'enough roundhouse kicks'.



Why can't you get your 'friends' reasonably priced naan ovens?

Part of being Indian is being lazy. Also, there's a billion Indians in the world, and a fair proportion of them make their living from selling Indian food to fat bastards like Reynolds. If I started getting my friends reasonably priced naan ovens, I'd have a lot of relatives out of work. Don't forget that Indians have a very different concept of what is 'reasonably priced' to Australian's.

ED: Are you Portuguese or Indian? I disagree with the fact that Indians are lazy. Most work 12 hours shifts and I am not even sure what benefits Premier Cabs gives them for that!



Have your ears ever held you back from doing something you wanted to do? If so, what? When I was really young, I once got stuck in the door to Nick's while trying to buy some Toffee Apples, a pack of Fags and a Bubbalo Bill. But Nick showed me how to get through by walking in sideways, and I've never had a problem since.



Who do you feel is our team's Kimmy Gibbler? Be honest.

Does the annoying little poof from the navy count? What's his name.... Rossi. Yeah, he's the most annoying, Kimmy Gibbler-like Parrot.

ED: Nah, we'll let that one count.



Will you be buying the "AB-crunch-roller-king By George"?

I've heard that if you're one of the first 50 buyers, you get a free personal session with George where he shows us how to hit on 20 girls in 20 seconds at the Hillside, how to covince a bouncer to throw you out of the Mogah before Neigbours has even finished, and how to sweet talk chicks with an "eh meh" every two seconds in conversation. Considering it also comes with George's guide to achieving wash-board abba dabbas, I think I'll have to at least buy one for Piggy... that "Biggest Loser" shit is just too gay, and we've already got one Dowd.



What do you think of this totally awesome blog?

It's totally awesome!



You are stuck on a deserted island with Edge, Juice, Cottee and Richard Hatch. Who do you eat first? Who do you roundhouse kick first? What do you think Bear Grylls would do?

I'd eat Juice first, because of the dietary supplements available in his awesomely JUICEY body. Besides, Cottee would probably be working 26 hour days, and wouldn't be around much, so it'd be mean to take what little time he has away from spending it with his Committment Puppy. I don't watch what I'm assuming is crap reality TV, so I don't know shit about Richard Hatch and Bear Grylls.

ED: I think you and Richard Hatch would get along quite well....



Who's this "Edge" guy?

I think I saw him at one game, but he kept calling himself "Reg". As much as he tried, I don't think it's going to catch on.

ED: Yeah, why would you wanna shake such an awesome name anyway??? There was even a guy on Australia's best teen drama ever "Blue Water High" called Edge.



You're at home alone and you hear the doorbell ring. It's Jennifer Lopez in lingerie, but wait. What's that? A knock at the back door! It's Kirstie Alley nude. What do you do? Go.

I've never turned down some back-door action, and I don't intend to start now.

ED: NO! Never ever Kirstie Alley. Maybe a plump Carrie Fisher but never ever a Kirstie Alley! BAD COOL! VERY BAD!



Ted Danson has written you a letter. He wants to be your friend. Woody Harrelson has sent a court order, informing you that you must stay at least 100m from him at all times. Which letter to you throw away and which do you obey?

I probably wouldn't see Ted Danson's because it would be in the huge pile of letters from people who want to be my friend. I'd tell Woody that he's just jealous cause I'm half-black (well, poo brown, at least) which means I can jump higher than him. I'd also remind him that Coach was a better bartender than Woody, just to rub it in a bit.



Home & Away is on television. You have to watch it and it isn't an episode with the lezo action in it. You can either sit their and watch it or attend Australian Idol auditions. Which do you choose?

The world needs more YMCA performances. It doesn't need encouragement of shit acting.

ED: Question not thought through well enough. Idol also gave us Guy Sebastian, Casey Donovan and Geoff's inlfated opinion of himself that he could actually quit his hard labour life and become a classically trained singer to rival Susan Boyle. They'd then fall in love and be the older fatter version of Miley Cyrus and a Jonas Bro. No good can come of that! Sit there, watch the non-lezo episode and figure out if you rooted the hot cop at the diner, would Ada Nicadamamaamamamado bring you a post coital milkshake.



When is the only time you should wait 1 month to have sex?

Depends on who you ask... I asked Dowd and he said "until he's had the operation in Thailand", I asked Werner, and he said "until Caren's asleep and Rens has a new bed".

ED: When your girlfriend is 17 years 11 months old, is also an acceptable answer.



Darryl Somers calls and wants you to tape a new variety television show. Do you go?

Not unless he's starring in "when midgets attack", featuring an all-in-rumble with Rove, Tim Bailey and Grant Denyer. I reckon Darryl will lay some smack-down on the other midgets... Juice Style!



What do you say to the rumours that Rhonda Birchmore used Nick Deluca as a walking stick? Makes sense. I heard she also used Hutcho to learn some awesome new footloose-esque dance moves.



Has Geoff ever touched you? Ya know, down there.... Did you mind?

I don't kiss and tell... but I also don't get violated and keep it to myself - he totally took advantage of me. Kinda weird though, he kept calling me Hayden, and asked if I knew how to perform a "double-header".

ED: You too! I'm not alone?


Thanks for your time Cool. It's much appreciated.

The Greatest Non-dual Olympian Ever. EVER!!!!

Andrew Reynolds is probably the greatest non-dual Olympian ever. EVER! Why? His awesome skills! Which skills? Let's find out!

Skill no. 1: Yo-yo. What's that you say? Can he rock the cradle? Bitch please. He can do shoot the rocket and the dog bite.

Skill no. 2: Captain ball. Ever captained a captain ball squad while still making the tunnel ball team? He has!

Skill no. 3: Hopscotch. What do you mean nobody has ever made it through while missing 6 & 7? Of course he has and he picked up the jacks at home. Boi, you better step correct if you wanna hopscotch!

Skill no. 4: Juggling. No it's not magic, it's a skill and one that kills!

Skill no. 5: Holding my breath underwater. It's as close to drowning as your body's instincts will allow so the chick's no it's dangerous. Clocked 37 seconds last summer. What up?

Dr Carl's Diagnosis

After quite some deliberation and research we have some shocking news from Dr Carl regarding Nick Deluca.

Dr Carl

Nick & his various hairstyles

Dr Carl has personally informed me that Nick Deluca is suffering from the worst case of Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome or KGS ever recorded. Read my post below if you unaware of KGS and its horrible symptoms.

Nick Deluca is a Self-centred Arsehole

From Prick Deluca:

AB,

After our 2 games on the weekend I have lost count of the individual goal scoring tally for this season, since you are so well connected with all the facts of the team can you please post this on your blog?

Kind Regards,Nick

Well arsehole, the goal tally as I am sure your Oompa Loompa looking arse damn well knows is as follows:

Golden Boot Race:

Nick Deluca - 2
Brendan Dowd - 2
Johnny English - 1
Hutcho - 1
Adam Delpopolo - 1

Other great questions in history similar to Nick Deluca's:

W. Churchill -"Dear Mr Hitler, just writing to confirm to see if you know who won the 2nd World War aka the second time your country has tried to conquer the world and was thwarted by our great empire"
Hayden - "Geoff, were you trying to pick up that girl that I just had relations with?"
Frank Lampard - "Dear Mr Cahill, do you know who scored the winning goal the other day. I can't remember for the life of me after all this champagne and caviar"
Frankie - "Excuse me Miss, could you please inform me of who the greatest love maker in the history of the world is?"
Rove - "Dear Television Watching Public, what is the worst show ever?"
Blogger - "Dear Awesome Jesus, who is the best blogger ever?"
Graham - "Have you seen my baseball?"
Graham - "I boke my back...."
Graham - "Angel dust....."
Deluca - "Am I an arsehole?"
Everyone else - "YES!!!"

Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome

When I was younger I used to put everything to the context of Full House. Lately I have found myself falling into the same old trap as Full House is the great metaphor for life. There are the good, bad, annoying, complicated, simple and love. I myself used to love coming home as a the Young Blogger from being out writing and publishing my own fan-zine of my favourite local basketball team, The Hills Hornets. Delmas Green was a hero (still is!) and sit down in front of the television with some fish and chips to watch the latest episode of everyone's favourite family sitcom (behind Family Ties).

I had a crush on Stephanie Tanner and couldn't wait to hear her use her catch phrase on our wedding night when I would give her the old Dutch oven only to hear that heavanly voice belt out the ever funny, "How rude!". We'd go and visit Danny Tanner on the set of Good Morning San Francisco then I would have a prolonged affair with Becky. Uncle Jesse would be screaming "have mercy!" if he had any idea what we were doing. Ahh..... but that was fantasy and this is real life. I more or less married Roseanne and have a similar figure to John Goodman. That's what I call having a case of the Kimmy Gibblers or Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome. It's something inexplicably shit, annoying and frustrating all rolled into one. Sure the fact my wife and I have sex but at the risk of sounding ungrateful, the effort involved in getting there may not seem worth it. Dry swallowing 2 Nurofen, inserting a rubber pump into my "inflation zone" in my groin and then choking down a viagra whilst fantasising about a topless Jennifer Anniston has killed the romance. Total Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome!

When I think about the Parrots, I don't think of a situation where we as team have Kimmy Gibbler Syndrome or KGS for short, it is more a less a team mate that I think resembles Kimmy Gibbler. Not in looks otherwise we'd prolly hog tie them and throw them to Tony Zappia for a good old fashioned beat down, but I mean in terms of attitude, annoyingness or my new favourite word "shitstainededness". In this team you may think one player is a total Kimmy Gibbler while Geoff may wanna Stephanie Tanner them while Frankie may be a DJ Tanner style guy (older, more experienced and with looser moral standards) but it all comes back to the fact that they are probably just an Uncle Joey. Awkwardly unfunny, Canadian with no real discernible value. Hats off to the Unle Joeys of this team, you remain annoying but some how relevant with your "Cut. It. Out!" catch phrases, sterile haircuts and horrible dress sense but you don't drift into the world of Kimmy Gibbler and for this we applaud you. It takes effort to be that close to KGS without fully taking on the persona of that one bit of shit you forget to whip which ends up all over your white jockeys, just before you settle down to make out with your latest date who resembles a less feminine version of Samantha Ronson.

We all know who the Kimmy Gibblers are in this team and to them, I'm glad your not Stephanie Tanner because the chemistry between could tear apart the universe.

P.S. Dowd, don't think for a minute you are Uncle Jesse. That is such an Uncle Joey think to do.

P.P.S. Yes Hutcho, your physical resemblance to Danny Tanner is amazing but not as amazing as the distance you'd have to cover to be half the man Bob Saget is.

P.P.P.S. It's ok to wanna do DJ Tanner aka Frank. Happens to the best of us.

P.P.P.P.S. Devil's 3-way with Gibbler is not an option. If you were on a deserted island with Megan Fox, you'd kill yourself from the shame of rooting a girl that is almost a dude, with another dude there. Way too many dudes!

P.P.P.P.P.S. Michelle Tanner was kinda a cute baby but a fucking annoying toddler. Nick Deluca anybody?

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Sorry Mr Cool, you probably don't get any of this. You may now continue watching reruns of The Kumars at No. 42 and be frighteningly amazed at how close to your life, that show is. I agree, it is like looking in a mirror....

Honorary Parrot

To be inducted as an Honorary Parrot you must have a poem written about you. Here is mine about Geoff. Nominations are open for the next Honorary Parrot. Suggestions have been Jeremy Evans, Andrew Baxter and John Kwan.


G is for Geoffrey your angelic first name,
E is for Excellent, your grading in the love game,
O is for O-face, like you give to Hayden,
F is for Fighting like Mortal Kombat's Raiden
F is for Fuckwit, you know you are sometimes,
R is for Rooting girls with big waistlines,
E is the Exciting lots of the Girls,
Y is the Yes, you are the worst coach in the World.

Won't be at training?

Jewbacca won't be at training cos he has a function. Who knew the Rebel Alliance encouraged Line Dancing at Crows Nest Community Centre?????? 2...3...4..... banjo solo......
"Arrrrggggghhhhh"

"What's that Jewbacca? Lando Cozzarin is coming to save me from Werner The Hutt?"

I've turned to religion for comfort.

After yesterday's loss I am still quite sad. At these points in mine and Mrs Blogger's life we like to turn to religion and as such, I'd like to shared with you my prayer from last night. Just before I went to bed. Maybe you could say it too and hopefully it can get the boys back to where they need to be.

Dear Jesus,

You're so frickin sweet and I know today's loss was a test. When I think of you I think of Arthur Fonzarelli meets Vinnie Barbarino meets a frickin sweet dude. Maybe we'll never know why you let us lose yesterday but I know it was for the right reasons. I know how much you like riding unicorns and motor bikes so I drew you two drawings. Hopefully you and God can put them on the fridge.

I didn't colour them in because I thought you might like to do that. I was gonna draw the motorbike doing a wheelie but I didn't know if you liked doing wheelies or jumps better. I like wheelies. My friend Graham has a motorbike but I bet he wishes he could have a turn on your unicorn.

Jesus, you know you are a sweet dude and I was wondering if I could take back something I said last week. When I was praying to you, I asked for a BMX bike for Christmas this year. I was wondering if I could change it to either the Parrots winning the Grand Final or giving Graham a ride on your unicorn. Whichever one you choose is cool with me but it would be really sweet if Graham got to ride a unicorn to the Grand Final!

Anyway Jesus, you're probably busy with other stuff like listening to Lady Gaga or drawing dragons, oh my God (no offense) how good are dragons? I like red ones!!!! Please be good to me at Christmas, my brother got a scooter last year and I know it was cos of you. If the Parrots win heaps this year I'll only expect a new Nintendo DS game.

Bye Jesus, thanks for listening.

P.S. I think Frank's an angel. Is he?

P.P.S. Bet you wish you could take back Rove now! LOL. JK. But seriously, LOL!

P.P.P.S. Tell your dad I said hi!

Amen.

Sugar with the spice, a little bit of sweetness with the sting

I should have posted twice, one for each game. That's the problem with double headers, eventually the games bleed into one game of soccer and I am at loss to sepearte them. I enjoyed being out for the weekend seeing the boys play twice but cringed at the result.

So.... Game 1 at Thornleigh was good. Great even. Again some efforts were great and some were disappointing. I won't name names but we could've really put a few more on them and the 2-1 scoreline doesn't do justice to how some of the guys played but then again it is flattering to a few of the slackers involved.

Everyone will end up talking about the game winner and less people talking about Dowd's 2 metre strike. It beat the keeper, was never gonna miss and just great positioning on his part. That was great til we let in a goal. It was just brain fart city that let the player past and he scored. It was crap but hey, it did the job for those fwits and the scopres remained level until there was 9 minutes to go. The boys or some of them were playing some really inspired football. Some attacking runs from midfield went unrewarded due to stray balls or in the most disappointing situations, non-existent balls.

It took one of the classiest strikes of the year to break the deadlock and it was beautiful. Reynolds was sitting about 20 yards out and summed up the situation with a breath then delivered the ball to the top right. The ball struck the bar and was knocked down across the line. The ref didn't blow the whistle but Rens was screaming "goal" like a retard and already walking back to halfway. Deluca then ran to the bouncing ball and walked it into the net. For some reason the goal was awarded to him and the game continued.

The last 9 minutes were tense and some solid defense saw the boys through and it was good enough for the second game of the season.

Today was shit. There were some good performances from some of the boys but the West Pennant Hills team were too good, slaming us 5-0. See I don't mind the odd game where we look off or when a couple of the boys don't put in 110% but when we do it front of the fans, I get upset. I especially get upset when Australia's greatest actor is out there watching us because he is a fan of our operation and what achieve. I get embarassed to think that he gives up his time to come and support his number one team and we turn in a performance that is laskluster at best. I wish he would've been there on Saturday to see Reynolds' strike so he can witness the beauty that we can achieve.

Maybe you're happy to read that the most promising actor from our great land witnessed his team cop a 5-0 hammering in Sydney Confidential but I certainly don't want to hear from Ros Reines that I'll never see Andrew Telford grace our screens again because he was so distraught about staying in Australia from his team turning out a performance not fit for our number ticket holder. That's right, I'm not the number one ticket holder, he is!

Hopefully we can get over this form slump. I'm not angry at you guys......just disappointed!

P.S. Deluca's injury could be worse than expected. His Gynecologist at first thought he'd flushed out all the sand but has discovered that he ripped his skirt as well. Now when he goes out to play bingo with Ethel, he'll have to wear slacks and a blouse.

P.P.S. Anyone see Werner and Rens collide? It was like two Hippo's bathing. DISGUSTING!

P.P.P.S. Biggest loss ever was Frank. I am sure the boys didn't even wanna play after that.

Controvesy!

Graham weighs in on the Deluca vs Reynolds goal debate!

Werner Supports Rens from Andrew Reynolds on Vimeo.

Thanks to Rens for providing video evidence to further his cause.

I call this one.....

What a lot of people don't know about me is that I am an artist. A photographer to be precise and I've been doing some work with larger nosed models. I call this one...... "Juice with Mo"

For those who missed it

Carrot with a dong is pictured in the post named Guten Morgen. I repeat, I have posted a picture of a carrot with a dong.

State of the Nation/Origin

Ever since Wednesday night I have been inundated with emails about State of Origin. Was it a try? Were we robbed? Should being Jarryd Hayne be a capital offence?

I sat there with Mrs Blogger and the Blogettes. Each with hot chocolate in hand, a marshmallow lazily floating on top as the blue hair from their wigs littered the ground around them. We were all enraptured with the game and first blood was awesome. 2-0 up and we were cruising! I reminded everyone how Queensland won a game in the mid-90's by the thrilling score of 2-0. I thought we were home and hosed.

As Jarryd Hayne danced down the sideline, I couldn't wait to get to work the next day and take 20 bucks off of Davo who had unwisely backed the cane toad fuckers. Then it struck.... Everything that is wrong with football robbed us of the match!

It should have been awarded a try. Yes, I hold the same opinion as everyone else. I can see his foot is on the line but it should still be a try. Failed logic you say? Well Gus Gould agrees with me! We both think that even though he blatantly steps on the line, a clear breach of the rules and the current video referee confirms this decision, but he still should of awarded it. You see, when you are a talentless buthole from Parramatta Eels, the retarded media or a mentally deficient NSW Blues supporter, like me, we think that the rules can be thrown out the window at our whim so we can win games! Just because we first practised love making with the family pet does not make our opinions any less valid.... Actually, maybe it does... I digress, Gus and I agree. He was out as stated in the rules, adjudicated as allowed for in the rules but we still think it's a try. See, we are Rugby League visionaries and the people in the administration of the game are holding us back. Should've been a try.....

P.S. To refute the question of Jarryd Hayne's forward pass. The right call was made. Yes the ball exited his hands in a forward manner, yes the ball then continued on a path in front of the passing player to a team member but it was all in the spirit of the game. I am sure Gus would agree that rules are loose guidelines which we can just bend to make sure the game is played in the interest of the NSW Blues. Rules aren't there to be used as a stringent set of by-laws which we apply to the game to ensure a fair and balanced contest with no side gaining a discernible advantage through exploitation or breaching of the aforementioned rules. We're just meant to do it in the spirit...... We've out-origined ourselves on this one!

P.P.S. Jarryd Hayne is a fuckwit.

P.P.P.S. Green boots... Seriously? The part of the brain that chooses football footwear is affected if the player has ever attempted to fuck a jug. It's called Jug-Fuckers Syndrome or Graham Werner Displacia.

Guten Morgen

I have been thinking a lot about this season as we have seen so little of it. It's almost as if it is suffering from a hairline fracture of the awesome bone. Opening of knowledge baskets aside, I just want to emphasise what a cruel bitch mother nature has been. She has been awesome before, like blowing that faint gust of wind behind Hutcho's kick so it just sailed over the keepers head or the time it cruelly punished Werns for scoring 14 own goals in a season by presenting his skid marked undies on some fresh powder at the snow fields, the resultant picture looking like a sick reversed version of Cadbury Top Deck.


My main beef with Mother Nature is this, she has created some awesome stuff before.



Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Why, oh why would the force that created a carrot with a dong force this much wet weather on us???? Oh cruel bitch, have mercy on us all and grant us some rain free soccer!

P.S. I've been thinking about who next to induct into my fuckwit hall of fame. Sure, Karl Stevanovic is a good choice but can he follow up Rove's induction? Probably not. Geoff isn't a big enough of a name so I thought of someone else. Patricia Heaton. Who is that you say? It is Ray Barone's wife from the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. Yes she is on my list of top 50 over 50 I wanna 69 but still, being an idiot gets her on the shortlist for fuckwit hall of fame. Maybe it's her pro-life stance which is ultimately pro-death based on her opinion of embryonic stem cell research, maybe it is her association with Kelsey Grammer or maybe, just maybe it's because she is a moron. The Blogger hates morons. The Blogger hates Kelsey Grammer. The Blogger hates a lot of things but he especially hates ill informed retards who believe because they have the talent to remember lines from a page and recite them in front of a camera, they have the right to forgo all knowledge, fact and reason and form fucked up opinions which shall be inflicted upon anyone who will listen. Shame on you Patricia Heaton, shame on you!

P.P.S. I fucking love Betty White! I want to meet her and give her a hug.

If I.....

Last night I was playing little game with Mrs Blogger called "If I...". It's quite simple, you just follow up "If I" with shit you'd like to have or do. I wanna play it in a Parrot themed way so here it comes.

If I were a millionaire I'd sign Jeremy Evans to an exclusive contract to the Parrots so I'd never have to go this long without seeing him ever again!

If I were a doctor I'd fix Baxter's knees and back so he could return for the Parrots.

If I had a television program called Biggest Loser, I'd strap Werns to a treadmill untill he dropped below 150 kilos or 5% butter.

If I could invest in any new revolutionary exercise equipment designed in the Hills District I would put all my money into the "ab-crunch-roller-king by George" or whatever the fuck it's called.

If I were a detective I would find out why Edge suddenly wants us to call him Reg. It's annoying and really childish.

If I were bad at blogging..... hahahaha, as if that would ever happen!

If I were hypothetically attracted to any player in a homosexual nature it would be Frank.

If I were a lesbian, I'd probably hit on Hutcho until he told me he is in fact a male and not a member of the Degeneres family.

If I were Indian, I could probably score my friends sweet deals on naan ovens unlike some......

If I were Jewish, I might understand Dowdstein a little better and then use it against him to break into his secret safe and steal all his gold and precious stones.

If I were Daniel Fairclough, I'd probably by a Dido CD and listen to it in the dark with a solitary burgandy candle lighting my face as i sang along.

If I watched Lost I'd probably think it was awesome but know in my heart of hearts that it is the single worst television show to feature a fat guy, lezo and polar bear.

If I were on Lost, I'd feed the fat guy to the polar bear and hang out with the lezo.

If I were The Juice I'd be happy that everybody had finally caught on and was calling me The Juice.

If I bought a commitment dog I wouldn't tell anyone about it or let my girlfriend post pictures of me and it on facebook.

If I were a Korean immigrant, destined to play soccer with the Parrots, I would take offense at some Kraut eroticising over 2 of my favourite players.

If I were George, I too would not stop checking myself eh meh, out.

If I were Geoff, I would probably try to stop checking George out.

If I were Hayden, I'd get out of Geoff's bed. It's almost 3:30pm!

Spotto!

Deluca and the Juice, just hanging out......

NEW EMAIL! I just received this email.

I received this email this morning. Don't know this cat but sounds excellent! He even included a photo. I have posted the email in it's entirety with no editing or touch ups from me.

Dear Herr Blogger

My name ist Klaus von Weiner Muncher. I come from ze great state of Bavaria in beautiful Germany. I have been great admirer of Parrots Soccer for a long time and found your blog on accident whilst searching for literature on ze internet. Ze literature in question is a book describing ze journey of podophila sperm entitled ‘From Balls to Feet’. I am interested in such literature as I myself, Klaus von Weiner Muncher, am a foot fetish man. How coincindental zat whilst looking for sexyness I find my favourite Australian Soccer team. Zat is humerous, ja?

My favourite player ist ze little fat boy with ze green shoes. He looks like he has eaten lots of sausage in his life, ja? I wonder if he will come to my house for sausage sizzle? I provide ze sizzle if he provide ze sausage. He also gets called dick head - I would like to have his dick in my head if you understand my imperfect English. My second favourite ist ze midfielder with ze blue shoes. He reminds me of a young Rudi Voller in the way the he plays (picture attached). People say his name as Wrens. Zat is because he looks like many birds? Birds are beautiful creatures and he is beautiful man, zerefore his name ist Wrens. I understand ze Australian humour now, ja? How I love to spend 90 minutes on weekend standing in ze trees having self sexual pleasure watching ze two boys. I yearn to one day run on field and crash tackle one of zem. I zen peel back ze boy’s shoes and socks to uncover ze beautiful, sweaty, hairy skin beneath. I would zen lap up ze sweaty goodness, scraping filth from behind toe nails with my buck teeth. That would be audacious sexy move, ja? I am nervous about such approach, but ze fat boy may welcome ze attention.

Mr Blogger, your expert description of ze games and performances has been super. I will lend my opinion to your analysis through future emails. My Germanic heritage means I am tactically astute, ruthlessly efficient and good at invading countries zat are not islands.

Regards Klaus

p.s. ze boy named Geoff looks like a kind boy, but he has boyfriend Hayden, ja?

From the desk of F Cozzarin

Dear World,

I just thought I would let you know that I am awesome.

Thank you for being you and allowing me to walk about all day being awesome. Sometimes I don't think people realise how awesome it is being awesome but then I remind them who I am and they reluctantly open up their knowledge baskets.

Take my team for example (and believe me, it's my team!), the guys there are ok. Sure there are some dickheads but sometimes they get down. I was talking to Craig and he was upset that his ballet show or whatever it was had just finished. I couldn't understand why he was upset because my awesomeness was getting in the way. I'd only be upset if the role forced me to drink Tequila and nail hot chicks. I think that leaving that would force me to cry.

Oh wait.... Text message..... It's your mum saying she wants me to nail her! Boom! Smell that? It's you getting burnt! Zing!

Anyways world, I was also being awesome the other day when I got a call from Daniel Fairclough. He has body issues and I can understand that. We were talking about the new Kings of Leon CD..... Hmmm... I can't remember anymore cos I tend to zone out when boring things come up in conversation. Like the time I was hanging out with Edge and Pricey when The Juice started banging on about quiches. We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes. I drifted off and started thinking about the time I nailed Farrah Fawcett and Suzanne Somers. Word to the wise, thigh masters gets the Frank tick of approval! Ahh....

Ok world, thanks for listening and showing me how awesome I can be. We'll talk again soon, I'm getting bored and starting to think about the tryst I had with Olsen twins. Don't worry it was legal.... Well they were legal. The shit we did is illegal everywhere except a small African nation where a Gazelle is actually the President. True story, I nailed a chick from the senate.

Peace out world.

Frank.

Piggy in the Middle

*Knock knock*

The rap at the door woke Graham from his slumber. His white surf brand polo shirt showed the scars from the night before. Mustard stains coloured the neck and chest area. He lifted the shirt to scratch his side, flashing perfect bruising around the kidney area.

*Knock knock*

The person at the door was growing impatient as Graham rolled from side to side in an effort to gain enough momentum to rise from his bed. It wasn't a water bed or mattress that wpuld naturally allow you to sink into, just his Darryl Brohman-esque figure made sure he was implanted some 6 inches below the lip of the bed.

*Knock knock*

"I'm coming" wailed the now rocking Graham. Cogniscent of the fact that girl scouts don't wait forever to pawn off their cheap tasting, incredibly over priced cookies, Graham was bounding his way to the front door. His kidney bruises feeling every step as the fat around his mid section rippled like a lava lamp.

*Kno-*

Only half a knock this time as Graham swung the door open, at the same time blurting out "2 boxes of the choc chip, one hazlenut and a macadamia surp-" stopping half way as he was greeted not by a girl scout but by a man with extremely large ears. A clear bottle clenched in his right hand, empty packets of confectionary in the left.

"I'm so sorry!" Said the funny looking Indian man. "What is that taste in my mouth?" He questioned, in a way that a fellow Indian male might say in a comical manner destined for television advertisement for a low carb beer. The label of his bottle now revealed itself as once containing 750ml of Schnapps.

"You prick!" were the first words from the fat kids lips. "I've been pissing blood all night". Sure enough, Graham had been visiting the toilet every hour or so throughout the night to urinate a scarlet red. The realisation on Graham's round face was haunting as his mind caught up with Mr Cool's apology. The bottle of schnapps he had given to Cool as an early birthday present was consumed over the course of the night with the big ears growing as red as Graham's urine would eventually run. His wry smile slowly shifted to a devilish grin and he began punching people in the kidneys. The 10 packets of Wizz Fizz did nought to quell his appetite for inflicting pain and at the end of the night the victims lay motionless only clutching at there sides every hour or so.

Graham staggered to find his couch and broke down in tears. Half happy that he now held the world record for hot dog consumption in a 24 hour period and half shattered that the bottle of schnapps had forsaken him, only fuelling the big-eared Indian prick's run of destruction. Peace was eventually restored at about 3am when an amubulance came and Mr Cool had worn himself out by showing everyone how many roundhouse kicks he can do in 15 minutes. It's 112 in case you are wondering.

Every now and then I look back and think, maybe I'll get him some schnapps this year. Graham always prevents me. When I study his obtuse torso, I take thanks that I am not so girthy. My rippling abs define my persona and my rooting skills. I then take stock of the situation and tell myself, "Eh meh, I'm George and I can do whoever or whatever I like!". This year I am buying Mr Cool a case of schnapps, a bucket of Wizz Fizz and a helmet cam. The poster of Kevin Costner in my bedroom tells me to build it and they will come. I plan on building the shit out of it. This year McGraths Hill. Next year Cannes.

The first time....

His bulbus head lifted out of the white Hilux ute he had arrived at the ground in. The girth of his eyebrows seemingly providing a lower boundry for his pronounced forehead as they danced and intertwined millimetres above the bridge of his nose. Nostrils flaring he hobbled with an elderly person's gait to the mountain of bags, cigarette clenched in right hand, balls cupped in his left palm. It was the debut of Geoffery Werner as a coach and although football didn't know it yet, it's course was set to change forever....

Nick Deluca laces his boots in a criss cross fashion, eyelets dancing in the early afternoon sun to the song falling from his lips directed at the man he considers his closest and most revered friend, "Hey Rens, ready for the season. I reckon Geoff's gonna be an arsehole". Reynolds replies in a quickfire tone, loaded with wit in almost Wildean prose, "You're a season. Snap!". Nick fondles for a response but realises his best friend has just served him up with some cooking straight from 'You got served' kitchen.

"Ahmmm", Geoff clears his throat. His crows feet stretch and wrinkle as he widens his eyes to take in and observe all that lies before him. Like the great Macedonian named Alexander, he feels that he owns all of the known world. Johnny English gazes upon the newborn coach with listless eyes, his soul begging to be vocalised so it can scream 'what the fuck?'.
"Ok guys, Rens you're the best keeper and striker so I am not sure where to put you...."

I don't remember what happened after the that. I blacked out after he actually said the fat ass was competent at 2 positions. I guess what matters is that Geoff isn't here anymore. Yay for progress!